Aibu for asking dp to help once in a while?(199 Posts)
Basically I have 2 boys, one a preschooler who goes to cm 2 days a week and a young baby who is starting to wean onto solids.
I'm on mat leave but due to return to work later this year. Dp is self employed but contracted so doesn't get to pick his days to work. He works a very physically demanding job and is generally out of the house by 7am often working miles away and doesn't come home til about 7pm. He is exhausted. He only works about 4 days a week tho.
I do the majority of the housework and everything child-related, take charge of the household bills and basically any other 'life-admin' that gets thrown in our general direction.
I never have 'me time', oldest son in the throes of potty training so all is fun in our house
I am constantly run ragged from the minute I get up with the kids to the moment I get to bed at night. Always mountains of laundry to do and bottles to sterilise and general drudgery that comes with running a house.
Dp got home early last night, just before I'd started making tea. He came home to a howling hungry baby who I had just made a bottle for, a preschooler whose pants I had just changed (for the umpteenth time that day) and me who couldn't even get tea started because of the afore-mentioned things. I asked dp if he would give baby his bottle. He did, so I could make tea. Afterwards it was near enough bedtime for kids, I asked dp if he wouldn't mind getting kids ready for bed whilst I tidied kitchen and put laundry away. He did this begrudgingly as he was tired from work. I understand this.
Now the thing that gets my goat is even on his days off I do majority of housework, sorting kids etc, packing bags when we have to go out the house, sorting everything from birthday presents, buying groceries, taking kids to docs/dental appointments, that sort of thing. Dp will quite happily sit in the same room with the kids but he will be on his iPad or phone doing 'research' - just generally ignoring his spawn. He will 'help' when asked but other than that not really. The phrase that comes out of my mouth most often but not massively is 'can you just do me a favour and do x?'.
He was on his phone this morning doing 'research' in bed whilst I was downstairs giving kids their breakfast, washing up pots afterwards, and taking clothes which had been sat in the washing machine all night and put them in the dryer. I came upstairs and asked dp if he could get them dressed whilst I showered. He was on his phone on the Internet, and kicked up a shit-storm about how he never has any time to himself and how I'm always asking him to do stuff. Lets just say a row followed.
When he comes home late from work which is often, I, generally speaking have bathed kids and put them to bed, sorted out bottles for baby's night feeds which I do and cleared the kitchen. All dp has to do when he gets home from work is heat his tea up, eat it, wash his plate, have a beer and go to bed ready for the next day. I never ask him to do stuff around the home when he comes home late at night.
Today I have pretty much done everything even tho he has had a day off. We've argued about his lack of help around the home and how I nag him. We've attended my friend's child's birthday party, done the food shop and he has gone to his parents house for the night who live about 25 miles away as his family are visiting over Easter so he can go for a drink/get pissed with them. He moaned because I asked if wouldn't mind returning home at a reasonable hour the next day. 'Oh look, I can have a night out for once but with conditions attached. You just don't want me to see my family!' Errmmm.... Nope I've been suggesting you go out for a drink with them all week, you arse!
Before he left the house tonight I was still pretty upset at the events of today and had been crying. After I bathed and put kids to bed (whilst he was on the phone to someone) I took clean clothes (mainly his work clothes) out of the dryer and was putting them away upstairs. He came up, saw me sorting the laundry, didn't bother to offer a hand even tho it was his stuff and asked 'did you empty my work pants pockets before they went in the wash?' I said yes. He asks me did I come across any lottery tickets in the pockets. I said no. He rifled thru the laundry basket despite the fact I was obviously upset, pulled out his work pants, checked the pockets and found some bits of paper which had been washed by accident. I an only assume they were the lotto tickets.
He then left the house in a huff! Not even an apology for being an arse.
I will be up tonite with baby. And up early the morning with oldest son. I have a back log of phone calls I need to make at some point which I can never get round to doing - dp knows this. And yet I seem to get sweet fa 'help' towards our responsibilities. His favourite lines are 'I don't understand why it takes you all day to do what you need to do. You shouldn't have washing to be putting away at night time' or another one is 'how do other mums manage?' Or the killer line which gets pulled out the bag as a last resort 'my mum had 7 kids and ran a business, why can't you cope?'. I can cope just fine ta very much, that's not the issue!!!
Sorry for long post. Aibu to feel absolutely fed up?!? I don't want pity, I just feel like I'm going out of my mind. Can't reason with him, he is irrational. Oh and has never looked after both kids for more than a couple of hours on his own.
TELL him...don't ask him...TELL him you will be having the entirety of Saturday (or Sunday) to yourself. Then get out, leave him with both kids and a list...I know he shouldn't need a list but if you don't then he can say "I didn't know!" about basic jobs.
Go out....all day. Do it weekly.
And how will this work when you go back to work? It won't. He's a child!
Gosh, it suddenly got late lol. I do feel the kids would 'suffer' some what if left with him
Yes but suffer from a late meal...or not being entertained that much...not serious suffering. It's hard to let go...but he'll need to learn what to do...how to manage them. And if you really can't trust him then should you be with him?
I have thought of leaving but what for? Breaking up a family over an untidy house and hurting the kids unnecessarily. He has become a lot worse since the arrival of ds2. It's like he's stopped giving a shit and I just can't respect him or his childish attitude. I never want to be intimate with him.
Can hear his shitty sentences echo in my head 'what does not sorting washing out have to do with not respecting you?'
Err, just about everything. He can't even clean the loo Ffs!!
I'd stop doing his laundry. I'd stop prepping his tea. I'd stop tidying up his crap. I'd stop doing anything at all for him. I wouldn't mention it, I'd just not do it.
How do other mums cope? I don't know about other people but I cope because my husband pulls his weight.
What does not sorting washing out have to do with not respecting you? Well, if you respected me you'd sorry out your own dirty underwear and not expect me to do it. If you respected me you'd pull your weight and not treat me like some kind of servant.
My mum coped with 7 children and a business, why can't you? You could ask the same of him - why can't he come home after a long shift and still find the energy to do household chores? After all, he only has 2 dc whereas his mother coped with 7 whilst running a business at the same time...
I don't know how to put stuff in quotations but I LOVE the part about why can't he come home after a long shift when he only has 2 kids and his mum had 7 and ran a business
Made my night/early morning. May have to store that one in my memory
Maybe he needs a proper scare. Could you get a babysitter OP and go out somewhere for a quiet drink with him and tell him that if things don't change, you're leaving him?
I get what you say about why leave if the kids suffer when it's about a messy house...but it's not just a messy house is it? It's his lack of respect and care for you.
When we love someone we want them to be happy, to be safe, to be cared for.
Just wanted to give you some and tell you what a fantastic job you are doing. If your dh would start behaving like a partnership there would be no need for nagging so don't feel bad about that. I do agree with others that discussing how you can ensure you both get time to yourself is important. Even if your kids end up watching TV when he has them try not to worry about it and enjoy your time off so to speak.
I don't understand why you continue to wash his clothing, make his meals and do anything else that contributes to his comfort and ease. Are you afraid of what will happen if you don't?
As others have said, don't make a big deal out of it, just stop doing it. And if he throws the example of his mom at you, tell him he certainly didn't inherit her abilities since he cannot do a job and take care of his own children at the same time.
Are you concerned that he would abuse the children if you went out for a day or even a weekend? If not I would absent myself for at least 12 hours if not overnight to your friends' or mother's place, once a week. He gets three days off, you should get one.
Truth be told I'm worried about how I'd cope financially if I left him. Plus I'd get my parents look of disapproval if I broke up with him as they would see it as me hurting the kids esp. the oldest one
He would never hurt the kids if I left them alone with him - nothing like that. But he gets super stressed when the baby is crying and starts saying 'what the fuck is wrong with you? Whhhhaaaaaaattttttt????' Over the sound of the crying child. That's usually where I have to stop what I'm doing and swoop in to take over as I don't want him to make the baby more distressed. God it's sounds unreal when I wrote it down.
If it helps at all, I left my ExH (he was exactly like yours and physically abusive to boot) when our DD and DS were 2 and 1. They certainly weren't and aren't unhappy about it, because they were too young to remember it. Neither of them have any memory at all of us ever living together. They are much happier though, as they see their Dad at the weekend and live with me and aren't subjected to the rows, abuse, attitude, etc etc.
Look at it this way, unless this situation resolves itself one way or another, you are going to spend the rest of your life/marriage demonstrating to your children every day how women are doormats who do housework and who are not deserving of any respect whatsoever.
Is that honestly what you want to teach your children?
And I suppose I do stuff for him cos its just as easy and convenient to do it for all of us. I also know he works extremely hard at work cos he has to otherwise no pay.
Still don't think it excuses dodging chores tho or waiting for me to ask him then mocking me for it. 'Can you just do me a favour...?' In a stupid whiny voice as if to imitate me but failing at it
I don't think I'm strong enough to leave. Sounds pathetic. It shouldn't even have to come to that but there's no way of getting thru to him without it becoming yet another row. And yet he speaks about his sisters' husbands'. According to him they are lazy and he doesn't know why his sisters put em with them.
Oh the irony
Okay. Just read your last post. He sounds exactly like my ExH.
The way he is talking to your baby is abusive imho.
You will be just fine financially. You may not have much money, but you will have access to support and benefits as well as your salary. Tax Credits will help you with childcare. I was a working lone parent from the get-go. It's tough but manageable.
Ignore your parents. This is YOUR life and your CHILDREN'S lives. That is what matters. If they love you they will hopefully support you. Do they have any idea at all what an arse you are married to, or do you 'protect' them (and him) from it by pretending he's Mr Fantastic? I understand btw - it's incredibly hard to admit you are married to someone who treats you badly because you feel like an idiot for doing it in the first place and it can also feel like you are burning bridges. Don't let this stop you though.
Seriously, I really don't think this is going to get better. I'm sorry.
He is unhelpful, sends you to tears often, lets you work like a dog, is indifferent to the children, mocks you in a whiny voice but you continue to sleep with him, wash his underwear and bear his children?
It's very difficult to understand. what age are you? Is this really how you want to spend your only life here on Planet Earth?
There are men out there who are kind and loving and nurturing, you know.
And frankly anyone who talked to my baby that way would be lucky to get away without injury. And i am NOT a particularly maternal person. But that is just bullshit. What good is he? Better than no man at all? Is that it?
No we're not married... I won't take that step. He is a 'devout' catholic and has said once married he is never getting divorced. Well in truth I wouldn't want to marry him. He's more like a live-in lodger. Eats, sleeps and poops here.
And we haven't been intimate for a while. As I said I can't respect him and I'm too tired for that anyway. I'm waiting for that issue to be addressed by him at some point as apparently he 'needs sex to survive'. Gross!
Oh and he was more helpful with the first child but had an easier job then. It's since the second child and this self employed job he has that is suddenly finding himself in over his head. Although he very much wanted the second child
I'd leave him OP. You will find life MUCH easier without an overgrown man child to cook and clean for. Yes it will be hard...but the stress and worry you've got is FAR worse.
YABU when you ask him to HELP you. You should be asking him to pull his weight. You have two sons. They are small now but if they grow up with this as an example, you'll soon be running around after three unappreciative men and your sons will just go through a string of divorces, while looking for a nice old-fashion woman like their mum.
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