To think this isn't worth ending a friendship

[Allisgood1]

Background: I have a friend who I met through a mutual friend around 6 years ago. I've known mutual friend for 8 years. Both are not British (not sure if that matters but worth saying), and I am American.

We were all family friends for around 4 years until my friend moved back to her home country. We stayed friends with mutual friends (e.g. BBQ's, bday parties, etc). Mutual friend helped us with our house sale over the summer.
Our friend's dad very sadly passed away in Feb. He had a stroke Dec. 31 and passed Feb 21. I was in touch daily with my friend about his progress. When he died I felt that I needed and wanted to be there for her so I flew (18hr flight) to be by her side as she buried her dad.
When I booked flights I think I f'Ed up. I said:

Me: "Guess what?" I'm flying to (home country) Sunday for a week"
Her: Why?
Me: "L and trying to integrate my work into (their country)
Her: "does she know?"
Me: Yes. I'll be staying with her.
And she's helping organize the business side of stuff"
Her: "If she's ok with it then fine and actually not my place to say but I know I can tell you straight but she's burying her father... Work and entertainment will not be on her mind."
Me: It was her idea. I'm going for her because she's burying her father. The way around it was to make it a business trip. She knows the right people."

No response. So a few days later I text her to say I was upset at her reaction and I thighs she knew me better than to think I would use her fathers death as an excuse to go out to her country.

She responded:

"ANYONE who cares and knows about what they are going through (DH had helped them through Many a difficult situation) see this as You trying to take advantage and financially benefit from this situation.
So yes we contacted our friends out of concern! You would too in your situation.
However we now see this as you needed to tell your DH all this so you could go! So yes I'm a friend but I will protect my friends who are grieving and check with them that they are ok with this! Bottom lie, tell the truth in the beginning...."

I didn't lie to my DH, I've got no idea where she got this from.

Anyway, I went and was at my friends side as she buried her father, held her 5 year old as she sobbed at the funeral, and gave as much emotional support as possible during the 2 weeks I was there.

Mutual friend won't talk to me. We are emigrating in less than 2 weeks and I have text her twice trying to arrange to meet up and clear the air with no response.
I know IABU in my original text. It was insensitive and I should have not ever mentioned business. But is it worth ending a friendship?

[incandescentalright]

What does she mean about 'tell the truth in the beginning'? I think it's fine for her to have asked your mutual friend sensitively if she is ok with the trip, but otherwise, she's behaved horribly. If you're asking whether you should end your friendship with her, I'd say yes.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

You explained it in a very weird way though, did you go for business or to support her because in describing it you said you were concerned so you booked a trip straight out to support her, then to friend you acted like the dads death hadn't even happened and you were going on a business jolly. I would have thought you were a dick too.

[Trills]

It sounds as if she has a very strict idea of how one "does grieving". She's imagining that your friend must be reacting exactly as she thinks she would react in that situation.

[EverySongbirdSays]

Your post here doesn't make a lot of sense and your texts to your mutual friend do seem to indicate a manipulation of a sad situation to your advantage as opposed to the other way round. If that's truly not the case then it may be worth a last shot. But from the way it reads I would imagine your mutual friend now feels she has "seen through you" and hasn't liked what she's seen.

[Vintage45]

The way you said it was awful OP. I'd have a bit of a problem with you about it too.

[TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat]

Sorry - I can't understand your OP at all. Very convoluted. Can anyone break it down and make sense of it?

[RubbleBubble00]

reading your message to friend, it's all about working with burying other friends father tagged on the end - it looks all about work, not supporting your friend.

why on earth didn't you just say your going to visit friend to support her while she's burying her dad - why did your work stuff even have to be mentioned?

[EverySongbirdSays]

Duchess As I have understood it 3 friends all of different nationalities all in the UK, one (Friend 1) returns home to country of origin. On the death of Friend 1s father OP travels out for the funeral, but when expressing this to Friend 2 makes it seem as though her main priority is business connections and other local knowledge she can take advantage of whilst there. Friend 2 understandably thinks this breathtakingly insensitive and is no longer friends with OP. OP would like to smooth things over before she too leaves the UK

[TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat]

Thank you Songbird - That makes it all more understandable!

[EverySongbirdSays]

You're most welcome

For what it's worth OP, you're emigrating, how likely is it you'll see her again ever anyway?

[Allisgood1]

I know I never should have mentioned business. I feel like a dick for even mentioning it but as I had discussed it with my friend, we had agreed that I would come to the funeral and she had a few contacts for me while I was there. I did try to explain this to mutual friend but she didn't get it.

As it happens, my friend did introduce me to her contacts and things worked out very well and I ended up staying an extra week, much to her (and my) pleasure. When I left she cried. She said I was such a good "distraction" for her.

What bothers me is that mutual friend (who I thought was close to us) now won't speak to me over this. If she knew me, she would know better.

[bakeoffcake]

I'm really shocked reading the text you sent to the mutual friend. I'm not surprised at how she reacted.

Why did you even mention business?

[Allisgood1]

Songbird, I know I'm leaving but I value the friendship and thought it was worth saving. I can't understand why she thinks it isn't.

[bakeoffcake]

Xposted

[BillSykesDog]

You put it very, very oddly. Your OP is confusing, but is it correct to say that you tacked the funeral onto a business trip, and also during that week long trip, at the time of the funeral, you were expecting your friend who had just lost her father to help you with your business activities? If that's right it's just not on. Even if she offered, you should have turned her down. TBH, even if she wasn't involved I think you should have gone as a friend only or not at all. Although you went for the funeral you also used her home as a base for a business trip at the same time. Really, not appropriate. If you were going out on business rather than spending all your time supporting her you would have been an inconvenient house guest and extra headache at a time she didn't need it.

[bakeoffcake]

Maybe she just feels it was very low of you to mention business in the same breath as someone's funeral.

As you're leaving she doesn't want to put the effort into renewing the friendship.

[EverySongbirdSays]

I think OP that the fact that your mutual friend found the whole situation so appalling to her she felt compelled to contact your grieving friend and 'warn' her about you gives you the answer. I'm just a random stranger on the internet, she KNOWS you and that's how she reacted. The friendship I'm afraid is over, and if as you say Friend 1, whose father it was is fine and you're closer than ever, then actually it's her loss.

[GarlicShake]

Me: "Guess what?" I'm flying to (home country) Sunday for a week"

OK, I read that and thought "Why's she making it sound like an exciting surprise?"

Swiftly followed by:
Me: "L and trying to integrate my work into (their country)

Me: What the fuck? She's making an exciting surprise trip to Homeland (why so exciting?) and it's all about the business Erm, dead father!

You sounded like a shallow, self-important, exploitative twat. I can see you tried to recover in the next few lines, but you didn't exactly climb down, did you? Had I been Friend 2, I'd have read your 'recovery' as patronising and self-aggrandising.

It's great to hear the trip was a success on all fronts, and I wish you well with your relocation. If you want to give this a final shot, I recommend a real apology with humble pie. I'm half wondering, though, whether you want to hold on to Friend 2 for some business advantage. I hope I'm wrong but, if not, don't expect her to come running - try the humble pie anyway. Good luck.

[EllieBee45]

Sorry, I do find it a bit insensitive... I get that it would be useful business wise whilst you were over there, but she is going through a huge bereavement and it will probably come across as you having alterior motives, even if it doesn't seem that way to you. Maybe go to see her now, then go back in a few months when she's feeling less vulnerable and mention it?

[SeeYouTomorrow]

Everything BillSkyes and Garlic say. To your estranged friend you appear to be an opportunist taking advantage of a vulnerable person. Most people would have said 'thank you for the offer of the contacts but we can deal with that another time'. It's just not the done thing.

Your explanation to this friend focused on the business aspects and bearly acknowledged the death and friend's grief. In your friend's position I, too, would have thought your actions were low and motivated by avarice than altruism.

[AyeAmarok]

If I had received your text like that about business and your bereaved friend "knowing the right people" and sorting out the business side of things for you when she has her dad's funeral to deal with, I'd think you were a selfish, inappropriate, self-absorbed, opportunistic twat.

And I'd feel really gutted for my friend that you put her in this position, and I'd not want to be your friend anymore.

I'm a bit at this.

[AyeAmarok]

X-posted with everyone else it seems. Glad I'm not alone!

[emotionsecho]

Your friend has clearly called time on the friendship, she is no longer interested in having you as a friend, you are emigrating just leave it and go. Long distance friendships require a lot of effort to maintain from both sides and one side of this friendship has already consigned the relationship to history.

Perhaps you could learn a lesson from this debacle - How Not to Win Friends and Influence People.

[Italiangreyhound]

Allisgood1 can I ask if your two friends are from the same country?

Which friend was your original friend? The one whose dad died? Or the one who is upset with you?

I think what really matters here is what your grieving friend thinks. Presumably the business venture was on the cards before her father's death and may have required a trip etc, and then her dad died.

As someone who recently lost Mum after a long illness and who lost Dad about a decade ago as a shock I would say it really, really does depend how one feels about it all and how one reacts to death.

Of course my mum's death was very sad but it was not the utter shock that my father's was. Would I have had energy to introduce a friend to friends during this time of my mum's death, yes, at my dad's, I think not. Would I have wanted a two week house guest at either time, no.

But what is crucial is what your grieving friend would want and the fact she offered you to stay an extra week (I am assuming, hopefully she offered and you did not ask) and you also said "When I left she cried. She said I was such a good "distraction" for her."

[Italiangreyhound]

It looks like it worked out well for both of you and that is between you.

In your shoes I would write a letter to the friend who is upset with you, explaining that your text did put things badly. If the idea to go for the funeral was yours or your friends I would tell her that and I would only explain as much of the rest of it as I felt was relevant.

If you want to lay everything on the line to your friend, then do so, but be aware she may not be interested to read it all!

I also think three other things may come into play here...

One, cultural differences. You are American and your friends are not. You do not say whether you all share a common first language or whether your two friends are from the same country. I can see that cultural differences could come into play here. Even in the UK and Ireland there are huge differences around funerals and we all share a common language!

Two, you are female and there seems to be a bigger expectation on women to be able to drop everything, to deal with emotional thins and not practical ones etc and to be able to stop working etc in situations when men would be possibly expected to keep on working.

If the business venture was already something you were thinking about and discussing it does not seem so odd to me. If the whole idea of making contact did not come up until your friend's dad died then I can see that that does look opportunistic and I can udnerstand why your friend would want to make sure the other friend was protected. But your other friend may not have known what was already in the pipe line (if anything).

Three, there may be a chance your friend is slightly jealous, either that your friendship is deepening or you are moving closer to her. It is not clear if the other friend attended the funeral etc.

I have known lots of jealously flare up between young kids and one likes to think by the time we get to be adults it all goes away but it does not always! I am friends with a group of women I have known for over 20 years and when we first met we all lived very close to each other, unbeknown to me there were two separate 'jealousy' friendship issues going on! Likewise almost ten years earlier I was friends with another group of women and again their was a jealously friendship element that almost stopped us all living together at college! So it may be that your closeness to this friend and her willingness to entertain you at this time has upset the other women!

Or it may simply be she sees this as opportunistic and is unhappy about it.