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To have done this (and wwyd as I feel awful)

(46 Posts)
Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:05:42

I get direct payments for dcs (4)

Seemed like a great idea.At first. Actually it turns out it's a huge hassle because
1. Finding activities has been a PITA as so many people/classes wouldn't allow dcs to join (complete discrimination which I've dealt with) so that was draining and upsetting
2. Could not get a carer from an agency as they couldn't provide the same person reliably who was trained in relevant things. As a result I had to employ a family member which seemed the best idea at the time
3. The paperwork. Horrendous amounts of work x4. Opening 4 current accounts, printing receipts, printing bank statements, putting everything in order, writing cheques and then the payroll stuff as I'm registered as an employer. Filling time sheets etc etc just everything added to my workload in general. I have four dcs to look after, have to fit in so much already-Appts, driving lessons etc, it was just too much.

I decided I needed to reduce my workload and stress so decided that I wouldn't continue to employ family member as a carer due to the work involved with being an employer as also because the local carers agency now has a bank of care workers and told me they could guarantee a regular person and all I'd need to do was send a cheque-they do all the paperwork etc.
this did not go down well. Big huge upset was caused as she relies on the income hugely apparently and is very upset and angry with me. Then other family members got involved asking me to reconsider. I feel bad as she obviously really needed the money but I need to prioritise my mental health and I've been overwhelmed by paperwork ( I also have things to do like blue badge renewals, dla renewals, bursary renewals throughout the year too so always something needs doing).

I explained that I've struggled to keep up with the paperwork as its meant that when dcs are being looked after and I'm meant to have a break I'm actually doing paperwork so it cancels out the help. The employer work is the time consuming stuff and I need to reduce what I'm having to do. I explained how tired iam yet when dcs in bed I'm printing stuff off and doing paperwork. I also have difficulties with maths so the pay side of things has been hard. For my sanity it's better to not continue with that part. I've also been really unwell with a thyroid issue so I'm just completely exhausted all the time.
Nobody will accept this. Feeling guilty I said to family member that although I'm stopping the employment part through the direct payments I would still offer some hours babysitting for same rate of pay if that would help (and I'd just pay out of my own money) not good enough apparently unless I guarantee the same hours or continue doing it as we are now.

Have I been U? I've just got to the point where I'm exhausted and need to claw back some time for myself somehow. It was suggested I cut back on my driving lessons but I can't as I need to pass so badly and I don't want to reduce them just to sit doing paperwork!

Bringmewineandcake Sat 26-Mar-16 19:09:25

Not unreasonable at all. It's supposed to help you, it isn't doing so. Not fair for your family to hold you to ransom like that.

Floggingmolly Sat 26-Mar-16 19:09:37

Do you have to pay the carer a separate amount for each child? Couldn't you run everything through the one bank account? It seems an excessive amount of paperwork to employ one person??

Floggingmolly Sat 26-Mar-16 19:10:58

You can outsource your payroll, although I'm not sure it would be cost effective for one employee...

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:12:12

It really hasn't helped. I've been disgusted at the blatant discrimination for a start when trying to find activities and then the paperwork involved is huge mostly due to the employer side of things.

Writing cheques for activities and filing the receipts I can deal with but it ended up being so much work due to employing a carer. I do feel bad though. Tbh for a few months it's been too much but I've now had to prioritise myself. I wasn't expecting such an extreme reaction

BillSykesDog Sat 26-Mar-16 19:12:39

Could you not pay an accountant to deal with the paperwork side for you? My OH is self employed and it can sometimes be possible to find them at very reasonable rates.

It does sound like a nightmare for you. But I also think that your relative does have a right to feel a little aggrieved as it sounds like you've treated her rather shabbily:

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:13:55

The actual payslip is done I have to send time sheet to them, then write out a cheque from each account. Then tax to pay so that will be separate payment to hmrc I think (they haven't given me details yet just told me every three months it has to be paid). It's just all too much and now with the offer of a regular carer and no paperwork ....

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:14:49

It had to be four separate accounts. The LA were insistent about that (and the bank were not happy it took ages)

BillSykesDog Sat 26-Mar-16 19:15:24

And with respect, the discrimination regarding the activities and the stress that caused you (which is now sorted) has no bearing on her employment. It's a separate issue.

Fyaral Sat 26-Mar-16 19:15:49

Yanbu at all. Could you suggest she gets a job with the agency? Recommend her and write a reference.

gleam Sat 26-Mar-16 19:16:42

I don't think you've treated your family member unfairly at all. I'm surprised they can't see your point of view.

PercyPigTheSecond Sat 26-Mar-16 19:16:51

Sorry I don't understand who or what you get payments for, I'm confused by your op. Are you disabled and getting help looking after your four dc?

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:17:19

billsykesdog I know that I was just generally moaning about the stress of direct payments-it's not been as helpful as I thought it would be and has just added to my stress and workload in general

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:18:09

All four of my dcs get a direct payment it's for 'short breaks' basically they are cared for or attend an activity and we get a break

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:18:54

fyaral that is a very good idea

BillSykesDog Sat 26-Mar-16 19:19:53

Have you asked on the SN boards? The people on there seem to be really knowledgable and could probably give you some good advice about simplifying the payment system.

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:21:16

I haven't I might have a look although it seems so much easier just doing it through an agency now I can get the same carer and not have any of the paperwork

leelu66 Sat 26-Mar-16 19:21:46


How has the OP treated her relative shabbily? Not having a go, truly want to understand.

I think OP has to do the best for herself and her children, and if that means she can't employ the relative anymore, then so be it.

I don't think it's the OP's responsibility to keep the relative in employment. They sound falsely entitled to me.

bringmelaughter Sat 26-Mar-16 19:22:18

You are absolutely not unreasonable at all and billsykesdog blatantly has never been near this sort of situation. Having a carer is supposed to make your life easier not harder. You need a set up that works for you and your children not for your family member at the expense of your sanity.

BillSykesDog Sat 26-Mar-16 19:30:35

I think (relative or not) to take someone on as an employee, make a commitment to them, then get rid of them for an agency worker is shabby treatment. In some cases it's not even legal.

From the relatives point of view they may well have either given up a job or come off benefits to do this job and may well be facing extreme hardship due to the loss of employment.

It's a bad idea to mix business and family. But especially if you're not really making a firm long term commitment.

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:34:56

I did make it very clear (as it was made very clear to me by the LA) that the direct payments are not guaranteed to be renewed even if dcs are eligible as it depends on the funds available. I passed this info on to my family member so she knew it was possibly not long term anyway and could have been ended if LA did not renew

I think the upset has been caused as its me that has made the decision and also it will affect some plans she had in regards to buying a property which she can't now afford if doesn't have income from being a carer so obviously I feel guilty but I need to put myself first as I was just under too much pressure

Bogeyface Sat 26-Mar-16 19:35:10

So you should give up what little respite you get, AND your driving lessons because an entitled madam thinks that you should keep her in a job?

I am guessing that this is your sister and your mum and dad are getting involved?

TiredOfSleep Sat 26-Mar-16 19:35:16

I know you can use direct payments for all sorts of things to make your life easier. I bet getting someone else to help you with your paperwork would be acceptable! Anyone you know good with forms who could help you out?

And don't feel pressured to keep your relative on, whatever works for you.

Directfrustrationandhassle Sat 26-Mar-16 19:39:45

I couldn't give up my driving, I'm so close to passing (I think!) and it's really important to me.

I suppose getting someone to do the paperwork was an option but then it's paying out more which could be spent on activities

Floggingmolly Sat 26-Mar-16 19:40:58

There should be no connection between your DC's payments and her ability to buy a property hmm.
How much of the payments are you actually handing over??

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