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To be intolerant and irritated with flakey mums...

(29 Posts)
YesIAmMoaning Fri 25-Mar-16 09:20:47

It seems to be the norm more and more that being a total flake because you have a child is normal.

I don't mean the totally normal times where you can't meet as you child is ill/ over-tired or the boiler packs up but those ones that give no reason/ always do it/ their pumpkin just decides not to 3 minutes after the meeting time/ just don't turn up. It seems to be normal lately with the newer mums I meet. I have 5 and it was rare with the older ones, but with the youngest it a nightmare and I find it so damn rude.

We have locally lots of established friends and a open local social group, we often organise simple events together. We could easily keep it very closed but we're not cliquey and it's nice for the youngest to meet their own new friends sometimes, so often we'll openly welcome people either when meeting or with a facebook post.

I organised an event recently that was near free to do so but needed a rough idea of numbers to prepare for, it was WAY more popular than I expected, about 20/30 people jumped in on facebook... and the usual 5 + 2 more turned up.
-Most just didn't come
-One said 20 min before their child had changed their mind
-One we waited to start for as they said they were close by and confirmed directions, then didn't come without another word so we hung around the meeting point
-Two were so late the other kids were getting very wound up wanting to start
-The extra two didn't contribute as everyone was asked to do (we spent 50P - £1 each roughly on shared sweets) then were obviously put out when there wasn't enough and their child wanted a whole chocolate bar and got half.

They all had contact details to say...

Also if you bloody invite a nursery friend the typical response is half an hour before, 'oh we're not coming now, we'll come on x instead'. Firstly we're busy and secondly my child is now rather upset that their fun is cancelled at the last minute. Not happening twice. Not even a reason, fair enough if something happened but the first few times it happened I asked and was told things like 'oh we decided to stay at the park/ get milk/ her friend knocked. I've wised up and don't tell the 3 yr old in advance now.

Or school friends... I've learnt to still go to the school to SEE them being collected, since I had a call the 6 yr old was still there. After I'd texted the mum to confirm at 2!

It's so bloody NORMAL round here now

My rant is triggered by the fact I've just been called cliquey! I told about a new event where tickets must be booked and I've only done it for new people/ those that turn up or politely cancel for fair reason. I've told others by PM how to self book, quite politely considering I felt like saying 'fuck off' to their 'int' or 'poss int'. Another jumped in with how her child was upset I didn't rearrange a playdate, after she just didn't come round the first time but of course that's just FINE....

I only do it because my kids love it so much, but I'm just becoming very very openly intolerant lately.

Is this nationwide? Or do I need to move...?

SweetieDrops Fri 25-Mar-16 09:24:33

YANBU. Flaky people boil my piss, especially if there's no good reason, I wouldn't be booking the tickets for them either.

neolara Fri 25-Mar-16 09:26:21

I'm with you. I now have a one strike policy for rudeness of either kids or parents.

It's not particularly normal behaviour for round here but does sometimes happen.

Backingvocals Fri 25-Mar-16 09:26:48

I think it's because you are organising things for people who are effectively just randoms. It's crap but loads of people are like this and they rely on people like you doing stuff but it's all a free option for them.

The reason you chose your friends is that you like them but also that they have the same ideas as you about reliability, lateness etc and therefore you can meet up in a fairly hassle free way. Id stick to them tbh but then I am very antisocial and only want to talk to tried and tested people who aren't crap.

YesIAmMoaning Fri 25-Mar-16 09:28:02

The problem is their always quite nice, just total flakes. I feel like a cow occasionally when I cut contact especially as with 5 kids we're always around so I guess it may feel awkward if you're new. But yes, it boils my piss.

MoreCakeMoreCake Fri 25-Mar-16 09:29:32

Yanbu. Flaky people really fuck me off.

I have a friend who will cancel last minute with "oh, 4 year old DS is refusing to leave the house" or "we've just been attacked by a polar bear" or whatever excuse she dreams up!

It's rude and suggests that their time is more precious than yours. Focus on the nice, non-flaky ones OP and sack the others off.

YesIAmMoaning Fri 25-Mar-16 09:30:29

Vocals- I agree, I'm just aware that in a small place there's a group of us with large families who meet a lot and those new may feel left out. I don't want to be the alternative PTA for the we're local lot. Some new people join in and are lovely. MY kids love meeting in large groups, it's normally only stuff like 'we'll be in the fields at xpm with nets, feel free to join'

Sallygoroundthemoon Fri 25-Mar-16 09:31:05

YANBU. Part of the preciousness around children these days I'm afraid. "Oh, Daisy/Millie/Alfie decided to do something else". Very rude and sends a message to kids that it is fine to let people down.

Chrysanthemum5 Fri 25-Mar-16 09:32:04

I've never experienced this level of flakiness, but my DCs are older so maybe it just wasn't as common 10 years ago. Anyway YANBU to be annoyed, I'd stick to organising things with people you know are reliable, it's not fair on your 3 year old if things keep changing.

YesIAmMoaning Fri 25-Mar-16 09:34:25

I agree 10yrs ago it was almost unheard of.
The culture now is so different...

ovenchips Fri 25-Mar-16 09:45:42

I would feel exactly the same as you in your situation.

Agree with backingvocals. You are copping the worst kind of ephemeral interest by organising Facebook outings. I don't mean you are doing anything wrong (you're actually doing something nice I know) but the commitment levels for that kind of event will be loooow.

As for playdates and whatnot, I also feel your pain. I would whittle people down to those who haven't let you down and make them the only ones you arrange stuff with.

BlueJug Fri 25-Mar-16 09:50:20

The ease of texting, facebooking etc has meant arrangements are more easily cancelled and that has contributed I think to people's being lax with them. No excuse though.

Didn't happen 15 years ago.


ExitPursuedByABear Fri 25-Mar-16 09:51:32

You sound great op. An organiser. Unfortunately many people are willing to let others do all the work.

I used to have a flaky friend. I'd invite her and her dd round for lunch, they'd turn up, stay for a while and then leave without eating my lovingly prepared food.

TeaOnEverest Fri 25-Mar-16 09:54:09


The mums who let their kids dictate the schedule are the worst. DCs deciding they don't want to go after all, or mum being an hour late because DC won't put on shoes. I just can't get my head around it.

ovenchips Fri 25-Mar-16 09:55:39

Sorry also meant to say or in your Facebook arrangements be very upfront 'We'll be setting off at at X a.m. If anyone arrives later we'll have gone! £X is needed which I'll collect off you on arrival otherwise your child unfortunately will not be able to have Y'. Then resend message evening before or morning of event. And follow through every single time.

Being an organiser is a very thankless job I find.

Chorltonswheelies422 Fri 25-Mar-16 10:02:00

YANBU it's so rude!

MrsJamin Fri 25-Mar-16 10:11:58

The larger the open invite, the easier you're making it for people to flake out on you, as they don't have such a large responsibility in making the event happen. Especially if this is costing you money, you'll need to change how you organise it so you're not let down so much. It's crap, and it shouldn't happen, you seem to be the most community - minded person and you're feeling the brunt of it.

GobbolinoCat Fri 25-Mar-16 10:12:11

we have little group of loosely connected mummy friends...been to each others houses over the years.

One mum who seems like a real goody two shoes, thinks it acceptable to accept invitation of hospitality then just not show, no text nothing!

Its really hard to cope with because the group is quite small, so you could in theory arrange to meet and no one turn up at all. This one mum just doesn't feel the need to be basically polite and jot a text, sorry cant come. Its happened so many times. Yet one feels one still has to include her.

I find it staggeringly rude.

Dc birthday parties! Same thing! why!

stubbornstains Fri 25-Mar-16 10:28:02

Yes, this boils my piss, and it's sad, because it means I have a much smaller friendship group than I would have otherwise. It just seems to be the norm around here, and people get quite surprised that I get upset by it.

I have a friend who's a single mum of three, and she's having a hard time at the moment. She needs support- she tells everybody she needs support, and human contact. So I'll contact her, and we'll arrange a meet up. And then she'll flake out. Memorably, she was worried about being alone over Christmas, so I invited them all round for lunch on Christmas Eve. Two days before, she cancelled because "she wanted to be alone to explore her dreams".

I understand it's tough for her, but...I was in that situation several years ago. And, fucking hell, if I got an invite to hang out and socialise, I bloody jumped at the chance, and no way would I cancel! And, yes, I got flaked out on numerous, numerous times, and God how it hurt at a period of loneliness and vulnerability sad.

FifteenFortyNine Fri 25-Mar-16 10:28:52

that's why i never organise anything, just not worth the hassle, people never want to come anyways.

stubbornstains Fri 25-Mar-16 10:30:35

You've just illustrated how that attitude is so damaging to communities and social circles, fifteen. People just stop trying sad.

stubbornstains Fri 25-Mar-16 10:31:22

(I meant general flakiness, not your attitude, sorry!)

KERALA1 Fri 25-Mar-16 10:33:31

I now have really really low expectations of people so can't be disappointed.

Also forces you to be cliquey almost as you end up just including those you know won't bail/are reliable and decent.

With you OP bloody annoying yet somehow if you say anything or allude to the fact you are even slightly irked you are the uptight/bossy/teacher figure to "rebel" against.

stubbornstains Fri 25-Mar-16 10:38:42

Exactly KERALA. You can't even express upset if you've arranged something, put off other social opportunities, the kids are excited about doing it, and then you get flaked out on at the last minute and you're all left climbing the walls with nothing left to do.

Because it's "just what parents with busy lives do" is it fuck hmm.

Sometimes I feel the need to explain to people that I have AS, and that's why it's so painful- I mean, perhaps that's why it's so painful- but perhaps I shouldn't need to explain myself, because it's them who are at fault!

Oh dear, this has touched a nerve....

Nanny0gg Fri 25-Mar-16 10:39:43

Yet one feels one still has to include her.

Why? If she complains that she hasn't been invited, just tell her that you assumed she wasn't interested and she never turns up.

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