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To feel judged and to ask for a bit of compassion

(98 Posts)
Dollymixtureyumyum Fri 25-Mar-16 06:43:47

I piss a lot of people off
I have epilespy so I am one of those annoying adults that does not drive that apparently must be annoying people by begging for a lift. (Never do this by the way but a lot of my friends offer knowing my situation)
I have dyslexia and quite often get jumped on by the grammar and spelling police both on here and in real life.
I have discalcylar so get my numbers mixed up easily and it might take me more then 30 seconds to find my seat on a train or plane.
I use the disabled toilet if there is a queue as I know if I have an absence while needing the toilet I will wet myself. Get tuts for this all the time and have even been challenged a few times.
And the cardinal sin- I once refused to fold a pram down on a bus when DS was a baby, I can have little absences out of the blue due to epilepsy they only last a few seconds but I would have dropped DS if he was on my knee on a moving bus. (It was not a wheelchair user though it was another mum with a pram who wanted to get on)
For all these things I have got tuts and rolled eyes from people who don't understand my situation. I have even been called names.
Can I just please remain people that life is not always black and white and to have a bit of compassion. People struggle with everyday things though no fault of there own and the judgement just makes things ten times worse.

ihatethecold Fri 25-Mar-16 06:49:35

I think sadly that many people don't think before they tut at people.
Sorry your having a tough time. Not everyone judges everyone else. flowers

curren Fri 25-Mar-16 06:50:56

Op hope you are ok.

Mum has cataplexy (that may be spelt wrong) and gets alot of this. She can drive.

The worst is the abuse she gets off other disabled people for using disabled facilities. She has other health problems, so is now in a wheel chair alot as she can't walk very far. And she gets it less. But if she gets out of the wheelchair, to walk to a public bathroom she gets it.

A few weeks ago we were in town and she parked in disabled parking and a car pulled up along side and the driver started giving abuse saying I was disabled. I am no shrinking violet and told him straight. He seemed to be under the impression disabled people can't drive. He looked very sheepish when I got her disabled badge and wheel chair out. He waited there to watch us even after I told him to get grip.

I have no advice to you it's not something you can just ignore. but your sentiment is right. People need a bit more compassion for other people. thanks

KateSpade Fri 25-Mar-16 07:40:18

I have epilepsy (shit this has just made me realise I've ran out of tablets on a bank holiday weekend!)

Anyway, I never do any of the things you mentioned, I'd never use the disabled loos or use 'I might have a fit/absence as a reason'

Epilepsy sucks, but it feels like your pre-emepting something that might not happen?

Are you medicated op?

Pollyputhtekettleon Fri 25-Mar-16 08:08:42

Mumsnet is quite frankly full of hysterical extremists. It's also a place for people to rant freely. It's a strange combination of this but I think you would find that the OPs of all those topics that have upset you would actually treat you respectfully in real life.

So YABU to be upset about any of the rubbish people waffle on about on mumsnet.

Tabsicle Fri 25-Mar-16 08:11:39

People are peculiar on MN. I am not even sure some of these people have those attitudes in real life. They just like a bit of a scrap with faceless people on the internet.

Threesoundslikealot Fri 25-Mar-16 08:19:49

KateSpade, if you have epilepsy yourself I feel a bit foolish saying this as you must know it already, but epilepsy can manifest very differently in different people, and medication can't always control all seizures.

OP, I feel for you. I hope you can find better medication for your seizures (have you told your specialist how they are affecting you?).

CombineBananaFister Fri 25-Mar-16 08:26:54

people can be fucking horrible - sorry you feel like you're constantly being confronted and put down but unfortunatley the ones with the least informed opinions tend to be the ones with the biggest mouths sad

Can you carry a card like those with Crohns do stating you have an 'invisible' disability, not that you should have to advertise your life story to shut these idiots up? I can see how it would be wearing but its a reflection on them OP not on you, don't feel crap and ignore if you can flowers

KateSpade Fri 25-Mar-16 08:31:26

Of course I know three epilepsy is a horrible condition, I just meant in the kindest way possible, don't live your life thinking something might happen!

I've found in my life I don't know how you feel op that it's other people that have a problem with the fact I have epilepsy not myself!

I could tell you some stories that'd make you shocked about how I've been treated, if you ever want a chat about it op, feel free to message me!

Thank you for the tread though, I remembered to try & get my hands on a few more tablets for the bank holiday weekend as a direct result of this thread! smile

cuntycowfacemonkey Fri 25-Mar-16 08:32:12

The world is full of wankers OP many of who have found their way to MN. Your fine, your actions are fine flowers

Ladycrazycat Fri 25-Mar-16 08:34:01

It sounds like you are feeling a little down op. Hope you are ok. flowers

I think when people moan on mumsnet about a lot of these things, they aren't referring to people who have a need as such - they are talking about people who are just purely being selfish. So for example, I would never resent giving a friend a lift with a condition that meant they couldn't drive, be that permanently or temporary. However I have some friends who have chosen not to learn to drive. I will give them lifts somewhere and they won't offer petrol money, I will need to ask. Then they talk to others in front of me that driving is just unnecessary and they've never needed to drive anyway! That's annoying!

On th oath hand AIBU in particular brings out the worst in people and does show just how selfish some people can be.

The disabled toilet thing is tricky. I like to think I'd firmly but politely tell them that disabilities aren't always visible but appreciate that when you are in that situation and facing the confrontation it probably isn't that easy to be so firm.

BillBrysonsBeard Fri 25-Mar-16 08:35:27

I agree with Tabsicle, everything is elevated on mumsnet.. I am always using disabled loos and no-one has ever said anything, I can't drive and no-one has said anything.. I have never had any comments about being a SAHM or formula feeding. People are more judgy on here. Even I find myself being more judgy on here whereas in real life I really don't care what anyone does. But if you are getting flack in real life then I'm sorry, people should have more empathy. flowers

Hassled Fri 25-Mar-16 08:35:30

Do those medical alert wristbands exist for epilepsy? Or could you get one created? Then you'd have something to flash at people that looks official, IYSWIM.

WizardOfToss Fri 25-Mar-16 08:44:03

I think your post is very timely and should be remembered by the tutters and eye rollers. I'm not immune, I just try to keep them internal and be kind. It can be a struggle blush

I'm sorry you've come across what sounds like more if your fair share of judgemental arses flowers

kirinm Fri 25-Mar-16 09:07:52

I'm epileptic too although I'm fairly controlled. I know when I've been through periods where it hasn't been controlled (and my meds have been changed) I found life panic inducing.

I find MN quite unpleasant at times - or certain threads anyway . People who think they can bully and be abusive because they're behind a keyboard. But try not to be offended by those sorts of threads.

If you are feeling anxious which you do sound, have you seen your GP about done CBT? I had some following a horrible spate of seizure, absences and a great deal of time away from work and it did help. I still panic but it's not as bad. I actually thought some of my panic attacks were absences as they have really similar symptoms - confusion / headache etc.

Look after yourself smile

BlueJug Fri 25-Mar-16 09:37:20

The problem is we have so many selfish entitled people around now who do whatever they like that the eye-rollers and tutters are sick of it and are unable to make the distinction.

I am sorry OP - it must be hard for you. I try not to judge but sometimes I do.

I, by the way, suffer from frequent, severe migraines. I have sat at bus stations and airports slurring my speech, grey with pain, unable to walk straight. I have been dreadfully sick in public loos. I have given incoherent answers to questions. I have had time off work with migraines. And people are disgusted. They assume I am drunk. (One woman actually threatened to call the police on me). They think time off with a "migraine" is skiving with a headache. (Don't drink by the way - can't)

My son by the way is severely dyspraxic. I am not even going to start with that.

So we all get judged - but much compassion has gone in this black and white world. Not much live and let live at the moment.

miraclebabyplease Fri 25-Mar-16 09:50:23

I have epilepsy too and am currently uncontrolled. During these times I do whatever it takes to feel secure. If wetting yourself is a worry (and some people do this more frequently than others) then use the toilet.

To answer someone else, I wear a medic alert charm.

SinisterBumFacedCat Fri 25-Mar-16 09:57:20

My DF has a neuro disease which makes him shake/tic constantly, and unable to care from himself. People would assume he was drunk and tut and stare when he was out. I felt like going up to them and congratulating them on how wonderful and easy there life obviously was, that they should find mawkish fascination on other people's illnesses. I honestly don't know how some of these people have lived such charmed lives that they've never experienced anything unfortunate enough to allow them to develop some compassion.
But there were also many kind people, the ones who helped pick up Dad when he fell over in the street, or good naturedly laughed off his grumpiness, people who recognised him and said hello. Mumsnet unfortunately has some ignorant arses like the twat who started the driving thread last night but it also has some wonderfully compassionate posters who have helped me and others a lot.

miraclebabyplease Fri 25-Mar-16 10:37:07

The driving thread was so upsetting / annoying as I would love to drive and feel huge ammounts of guilt that I am always the passenger. Luckily, my friends and family seem to be much nicer than that op amd don't seem to bat an eyelid at giving me lifts.

FaceTheFace Fri 25-Mar-16 10:43:57

I have chronic pain (under investigation to identify the cause) and it's horrible the way my colleagues treat me and judge me. I look 'healthy' but often just can't keep up, and they keep making remarks that I just need to try harder or get fitter. I'm an average size now, but for a while I'd gained weight on a medication, which made the judginess even worse. Im now praised for having lost the weight ...I lost it by switching to stronger pain meds that took away my appetite and rapidly burnt off the previous medication's podge. I wish people would be kinder and accept that if someone is struggling it might be because they have issues beyond just being "lazy" and "not trying"

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 25-Mar-16 10:50:39

So sorry you get a rough time when out and about, OP, from some people at any rate.

While it shouldn't be necessary, perhaps getting a medic alert style bracelet would be an idea though, if you don't already have one.

Floggingmolly Fri 25-Mar-16 10:53:19

I find this "non drivers are a pain the arse" thing completely bizarre.
I can drive, but I hate it so very rarely do. This has zero impact on anybody else (expect my kids sometimes), why would it? If I was constantly begging lifts from all and sundry it might be a bit annoying, but that's a separate issue isn't it? confused
We chose our house specifically because of the excellent transport links; I don't want a bleeding lift from anyone...

Samcro Fri 25-Mar-16 11:34:42

yanbu. my dh can't drive due to epilepsy.
really pisses me off when people judge people like him. says a lot about them though

Tabsicle Fri 25-Mar-16 14:51:56

I have never encountered this 'non drivers are a pain' before. I thought it was just life that some people drove and some people didn't.

I have very occasionally encountered the argument (from people who live in major cities, always) that driving is socially irresponsible and we should all use public transport and private vehicles are wrong and bad and I find that equally bizarre.

I have a car. I like having a car. I use it a lot. If you don't (for whatever reason - you can't afford it, you have medical issues, etc), then you can either get public transport. If it's not too inconvenient for me, I'll give you lifts places. If you really need a lift and it's inconvenient, I'll give you a lift anyway, and I'm sure one day you'll do something equally inconvenient to help me out. And in the long run, it all works out.

I think Mumsnet has some very odd people on it if they really have time to get judgmental about stuff like this in real life. I assume 90% of them don't really, and just like being stroppy on the internet, and the 10% remaining are people who have way too much time on their hands, or are massively unhappy somewhere in their lives and displacing onto other people.

TippyTappyLappyToppy Fri 25-Mar-16 14:56:16

If you know you might wet yourself in public due to an epileptic absence wouldn't it be better to wear a protective pad in case of that? [confusion]

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