To think this whole wedding, MY whole wedding, can go f it's self?

(102 Posts)
hearthattack Thu 24-Mar-16 23:18:06

I can't be bothered. We've been together 4 years. We have a 5 month old son. I have enough shit to do with him that actually matters to be worrying about this tosh. I really can't be arsed thinking about food and decorations and music and crap.

I have an otherwise wonderful DP who is the one that wanted the wedding. Wedding planning has turned him into my no 1 pain in the ass, because he has done nadda. I would like to be married, but I'd happilly do it on a rainy Tuesday afternoon in my jeans and then get on with life. DP wants a party. But he doesn't want to spend any money. And he doesn't want it to be at all formal, or planned or weddingy. But he does want to invite 50+ of his friends and family who will be spending time and money travelling from all over the country to get here.

I feel we have a responsibility to them to throw a decent party, since we're inviting them to one. But it's all fallen to me so far and I know it will only get worse.

The invitations are sitting on the corner of the dining table, stamps attached, waiting to be sent tomorrow. We've just had a stupid row about whether we should try to plan speeches at roughly a certain time or just 'let them happen'.

Would I be being unreasonable to just chuck the invites in the pond and sack the whole thing off?! Then I could get on with being a mum/housekeeper/dishcloth and eat cake while I'm up with the baby at 4am til the cows come home.

jamdonut Thu 24-Mar-16 23:23:08

Do the rainy Tuesday thing, then have a party another day! Keep it simple!

Glitteryfrog Thu 24-Mar-16 23:24:00

And this is why I've been engaged for 18 months with no progress.
I find the whole idea of organising a wedding dull. I've never dreamed about being a bride (or a princess).

neonrainbow Thu 24-Mar-16 23:24:47

Youre right if you're inviting people to a wedding they expect a party if they're traveling a long way. Do it the way you want to do it if he doesn't want to organise it.

tinyterrors Thu 24-Mar-16 23:25:28

If he wants a big wedding, or at least bigger than you'd be happy with, then let him sort it. Easier said then done though.

What have you planned / sorted so far?

If I were you I'd have a small registry office ceremony with parents and siblings, then have a big party afterwards in a pub and have a buffet about 4/5pm and maybe one later on about 9/10pm if you're friends and family are like mine and would party till closing time.

I'd leave the party planning to him though given that you'd be happy with just the ceremony.

BillSykesDog Thu 24-Mar-16 23:26:52

You could do what I did. Organised the registry office. Booked a pub and asked them to lay on some buffet and food and put a few balloons up. Tell everybody to turn up.

No bother, nice party. As long as your mates turn up and you have food and music nobody gives a shit about the other stuff. Ours was a great laugh.

BillSykesDog Thu 24-Mar-16 23:27:31

Xpost tinyterrors. You're family sound like mine, we must be related!

cuntycowfacemonkey Thu 24-Mar-16 23:29:07

I hated planing our wedding. When the invites got printed and were the wrong ones I just thought "fuck this" and told DH we were doing a small affair with close family and a couple of close friends. We lost about £500 in deposits but honestly I hated every aspect of wedding planning.

MyNameIsAlexDrake Thu 24-Mar-16 23:30:19

If you're at the stage of about to issue invites then surely you've done all the planning and costings, Organised ceremony, hired venue etc?

dodobookends Thu 24-Mar-16 23:33:41

Some money will have to be spent though - if you have 50 people coming they will need feeding and watering even if its only a barbecue in somebody's garden or sausage rolls and cheese sandwiches down the pub. Does your DP have some sort of budget at all?

comfortblankie Thu 24-Mar-16 23:39:34

Don't think of it as a wedding? Rather more like a 30th birthday party? It sounds like he just wants to see family and friends all together in one place and having fun.

ClaraLane Thu 24-Mar-16 23:43:15

I feel the same as you OP! I'm hating planning our wedding and resent spending a stupidly large amount of money on it which would be better spent on new windows and carpets. For someone who seems to want this big wedding (approx 90 day guests plus 40 more evening guests) my fiancé has done sod all in regards to organising it. All I want is to be married and I can't see the point in spending a fortune on one day of our lives! Our invitations were printed weeks ago but haven't been sent out yet because he hasn't done them like he promised...

Alasalas2 Thu 24-Mar-16 23:44:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hearthattack Thu 24-Mar-16 23:44:36

So far I've bought a very cheap, non weddingy dress, we've hired the registry office and a village hall for the weekend. Only deposit is £50 on the venue. We planned to do the catering ourselves (read: I'll end up doing it all).

If we go ahead I'll have to sort food, organise decorating the hall and buy things with which to do that, plan loose times for things like meals and speeches, get a sound system up and running and make sure people bring play lists and actually use them...blah blah.

In so many ways it would be easier to do what everyone else does and pay for it 'normal' people do, but a) we can't afford it and b) DP rebells like a teenager at anything remotely conventional. Huff.

If I had my way, we'd have about 12 people for a registry office and then a nice meal followed by a session in the pub. DP wants to include the world and his wife but go to no effort or expense. Basically he wants the best of both worlds and I can't be arsed bickering about it any more.

Maybe we shouldn't be getting married at all. We sound really ill suited!

BillSykesDog Thu 24-Mar-16 23:47:48

Oh fucking hell, don't do the catering yourself. Doing an event of that sort is a nightmare, and bloody impossible if you are getting married on top!

If money is an issue could you ask people to bring a dish? It doesn't need to be expensive or time consuming. If you do a little bit of coordination with what people are bringing and just get people to bring a few packs of sausage rolls or scotch eggs or pasta salad you could do a nice spread.

HowBadIsThisPlease Thu 24-Mar-16 23:52:08

Actually maybe you shouldn't be getting married until you have sorted out the issue of him wanting certain things - expensive, laborious and complicated things - to happen but wanting you to make them happen, but not wanting to admit to it. And arguing with you about how things are going to work but not doing anything about making them work.

I am sure you love each other very much but if this is his usual modus operandi this man will drive you truly mad.

Sit down and say very clearly what is your shit (registry office, jeans, night feeding a 5 month old baby - good god woman, respect for even thinking beyond what's for tea!) and what is his shit (every other damn thing) and say: deal with your shit, or only my shit will happen
then say: this is how it's going to be 4 LYFE

MyNameIsAlexDrake Thu 24-Mar-16 23:52:43

I'd cancel the village hall. Fine to organise food, music & decoration on a budget, but only possible with a TEAM of people willing to help. Not the bride, on her own, with a 5mth old! I'd go for your plan (my friend did similar and had her perfect wedding day). If your DP doesn't, then leave it to him to sort out ( but it sounds like that will not happen). If it comes to stalemate, well you either postpone or discuss in serious terms your future together.

hearthattack Fri 25-Mar-16 00:02:57

We are asking some people to bring a cold vegetarian dish for the table. But I don't want all our family, friends and their kids to travel all the way here (we live in rural North Wales) and not have something decent to eat. So we (I) are doing falafell and roasted veg to suplement it.

All the suggestions for keeping it small are valid and totally what we had in mind. Bu the reality is that organising a do-it-yourself wedding on a shoestring for 50+ people is actually a hell of a lot more work than a bog standard hotel do.

And I hate the idea if everyone looking at me all day. ffs. I've just had a baby. I ate 6 chocolate digestives at 4am yesterday because if I hadn't I might have cried/fallen asleep mid feed/thrown the baby out of the window.

PommelandCantle Fri 25-Mar-16 00:09:25

Darling DP - I am so looking forward to marrying you. Here is a list of the things I have managed to sort whilst looking after our small baby. I am eagerly anticipating enjoying the party that you will be organising.

I shudder everytime I read wedding stories. I bought my wedding dress, helped make invitations and pitched up on the day. DH did everything. I may have helped choose the caterer as we got to try the menu out grin

Goodluck and belated congratulations on your little one.

hearthattack Fri 25-Mar-16 00:11:03

HowBadIsThis Yes! This is my shit For LYFE. Thank you x

oldlaundbooth Fri 25-Mar-16 00:13:15

Bloody hell it sounds hard work already. Catering for 50 people is hard even if you keep it simple!

Could you get the caterers in? Local Indian maybe? M&S?

BillSykesDog Fri 25-Mar-16 00:14:39

I totally agree with you about the logistics of this. It sounds un-doable. You won't have a good time or a special day and that's what's important. You need to sit DP down and say it's not going to happen like this unless he's prepared to fork out for some catering. Re decorating, can you ask friends to help? I'd totally do that for a mate.

But re people looking at you. They will be looking at you because they're celebrating and happy with you. These are people who love you and care about you. Please don't worry about that. Or throw the baby out of the window. I think that sort of think is quite frowned upon.grin Throw DP out of the window by all means.

lertgush Fri 25-Mar-16 00:16:35

You have a 5 month old baby. This is not the time to be trying to arrange anything larger than a meal at Frankie and Benny's for the three of you.

Do it in a few years when you have some energy back.

ClarenceTheLion Fri 25-Mar-16 00:16:59

YOU don't have to do anything. If he wants the wedding, let him plan it. If he's as lazy as you say, he won't plan it and you have no wedding to worry about! But really, if you don't want to get married, you don't have to, just to please him...

Alasalas2 Fri 25-Mar-16 00:19:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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