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To not really want to be a bridesmaid?

(48 Posts)
bingisthebest Thu 24-Mar-16 20:34:37

Closest friend getting married this year. We are a grp of 3 best mates I suppose. Friend 1 has discussed previously plans for young bridesmaids and all sorted.
Then I bump into friend 2 and she has been talking to friend 1 and now would like us both to be bridesmaids. Our kids are there at this conversation so don't really get a chance to discuss properly say I will talk to friend 1, next thing I know friend 1 texts me to say I have ordered the dresses and roll measure you up when I see you and they are £140 please could you pay for it.
I was gobsmacked! Replied (by txt as I was at work) that I wanted to talk to her about it and it was a lot of money for me. She replied pay when you can and you will look great.,,
But I just feel totally bamboozled, I was looking forward to choosing myself a nice outfit and it would've been cheaper than this. It's a lot of money for me. I'm not keen on the style of the dress and don't think it will fit me. I feel like it's all been decided but my mum and dh think I just have to accept it.
Aibu? What shall I do?

Birthgeek Thu 24-Mar-16 20:40:03

Not. Not a chance. Quite cheeky assumption really when you hadn't discussed it properly. And especially asking you to pay for the 'privilege'. Sod that.

Being a bridesmaid is shit anyway.

starry0ne Thu 24-Mar-16 20:41:32

I keep seeing these wedding threads popping up wondering why people don't fund there own wedding.. I would pull out at this point..You will soon get a list of bills and plans for hen party which you will of course not expect BTB pay..

Cathster Thu 24-Mar-16 20:45:11

YANBU. She can't expect you to pay for a dress that you haven't chosen and haven't agreed to!

You have the option of turning down being bridesmaid (it's not clear from your post if your friend has actually asked you direct?!), if you agree to being bridesmaid and she wants you to wear a certain dress than fine but she should pay for it herself.

TheCrumpettyTree Thu 24-Mar-16 20:45:45

What a bloody cheek! To assume you have a spare £140 for a dress without even asking you, you need to have a word with her. And it will only continue.

Birthgeek Thu 24-Mar-16 20:45:50

Text: I'm honoured you asked me, but we hadn't discussed it fully and I was going to tell you that I've decided to decline the offer to be bridesmaid. Still can't wait for your big day etc etc yada yada

seven201 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:45:58

So she hasn't properly asked you to be bridesmaid but just told you she'd ordered you an expensive dress and you have to pay for it?! Good lord! I think you should reply and say you'd prefer to be a guest but are happy to help her with planning etc. If you want to keep her as a friend then you need to tread very carefully as she's obviously gone bride mad!

bingisthebest Thu 24-Mar-16 20:47:02

How do I say no. Other friend is well up for it also.
The hen stuff is already coming up £££

seven201 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:47:47

Just say no and do it fast so she cancel the dress!

starry0ne Thu 24-Mar-16 20:50:21

Has she actually asked you yet?

expatinscotland Thu 24-Mar-16 20:53:02

What birthgeek wrote. Text it NOW. This will end up costing you hundreds if not more.

nocabbageinmyeye Thu 24-Mar-16 20:53:16

Did she actually ask you to be bridesmaid or did she just mention the dress as above ^?

"X this is awkward, I'm honoured you want me to be part of your day but being bm just isn't me, of course I will help with whatever I can and am very excited to be there as a guest and watch you walk down the aisle. I hope you understand, it's not personal but it would be awful of me to accept when my heart really isn't in it"

nocabbageinmyeye Thu 24-Mar-16 20:54:29

And yes to acting on the quickly, it's like ripping of a plaster, best done sooner rather than later

bingisthebest Thu 24-Mar-16 20:56:03

she never spoke to me. Just had the chat when I bumped into friend 2, then got the text. I'm feeling really cornered.

WonderingAspie Thu 24-Mar-16 20:57:02

"Sorry, couldn't have a proper chat with the kids there the other day. Thinking on it, I'm going to have to decline your kind offer of being a BM, thanks for thinking of me though and I'm looking forward to the wedding"

lertgush Thu 24-Mar-16 20:59:55

Give her a call and talk to her about it.

ethelb Thu 24-Mar-16 21:04:06

I wish I had declined being a bridesmaid. Mainly the cost but also the weird politics that happened with an otherwise nice normal bunch of people.
I think you are well within your rights at this stage to politely decline in response to the request for cash!
It is hard though when everyone is running around whooping with delight at wedding bolloks and you have to be the naysayer though. Which is why you get so many threads on here...

EverySongbirdSays Thu 24-Mar-16 21:07:50

I've been a bridesmaid twice.

I was a bridesmaid for my best friend and had a lovely day, but Christ almighty the expenses didn't half add up over the course of the year. Totally unreasonable some were too.

Being bridesmaid for my sister was an awful experience. I knew that she didn't really want me from the start, but felt forced to as she was having our other sister. I knew full well she was having me "for show" - the dress didn't suit me either colour or shape and she made me pay for mine even though she bought my siblings and the other bridesmaids who were younger relatives. Ramming the point home. On the actual day she repeatedly referred to 3 of her close friends as the REAL BRIDESMAIDS. To this day I still think WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING HAVE THEM THEN?

IMO a bridesmaid should NEVER be expected to pay for the dress. I was not by my friend - it's extremely poor etiquette.

Birthgeek Thu 24-Mar-16 21:12:05

She's being incredibly rude. Don't stand for it. Let her down gently, or let her down hard, but don't say yes just because you feel cornered. That'd be awful. Come on, big girl pants time!

BennyTheBall Thu 24-Mar-16 21:12:24

I think it's completely outrageous to ask a bridesmaid to pay for her own dress.

I have only ever heard of it on MN.

loveslily Thu 24-Mar-16 21:28:53

WTF?! Why is she making you pay for the dress? It's her responsibility to pay for her own wedding, not yours. Especially if she is choosing the dress and cost for you!

My sister paid for my bridesmaid dress at her wedding and I'll be doing the same for her at mine next year.

Tell your 'friend' to poke it!

MsVestibule Thu 24-Mar-16 21:30:53

My sister asked me (20 years ago) , with no enthusiasm at all:
'Do you want to be my bridesmaid?'
Me: Oh thank you, that would be great
Her: It's up to you if you buy or hire the dress

At that point I was still desperately trying to get her to like me so went along with it. Now I'd tell her to shove the dress up her arse. Well, actually, I'd politely decline, but you get my drift.

OP, there have been some good text suggestions, please use one. And of course come back and update us 😀.

Alasalas2 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:34:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dollymixtureyumyum Thu 24-Mar-16 21:34:24

I am a maid of honour in the summer and have paid for my own dress but I offered to. It was £35 and I have got shoes for £15 and and my head band was £5 so I have paid for my outfit and it has cost me £55. I prob would have paid memory then that on an outfit that a choose. More importantly we had full consultation with the dresses and it's a style I will def wear again.

Dollymixtureyumyum Thu 24-Mar-16 21:35:25

My god what went wrong with the grammar and spelling in that last post. Apologies grin

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