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Who is being unreasonable? Me or DP

(59 Posts)
NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Thu 24-Mar-16 15:02:46

As most of us know it is Easter weekend this weekend. I work 9-5.30 Monday to Friday so have a long weekend off. Unfortunately my DP works nights in a call centre and is in all weekend. We have only lightly discussed it, saying that we will do the roast dinner and films and chocolate next weekend instead.

Here is a series of Facebook messages and I want you to tell me which of us is being unreasonable.

ME: urgh i hate PMT!!!!!

Just a general moan (which no, I don't do all the time lol) then a few minutes later I say: Bloody easter holiday on my lonesome. i'm gonna hate christmas this year sad (because DP has found out they are working that too, the easter thing got me thinking about Christmas) everyone will be having their nice lunch on easter sunday and ill be having a sandwich!

DP: I have to work. I know it's shit and I've said sorry. I know you've got pmt but can you not take it out on me

ME: I'm not I'm just moaning !

DP: I feel bad enough as it is, it's not my choice to work

ME: I'm just moaning silly, not taking my mood out on you

DP: Yeah well I took it personally seeing as you know how bad I feel about it

(DP hasn't expressed how bad they feel about working Easter)

ME: so now im in the doghouse for having a moan?!

DP: Pmt is not an excuse to start an argument with me. I'm not replying anymore (Gone offline)

Been together 3 years, live together etc no kids. I just feel its a bit harsh that I am having a moan then am being told off for having a moan and made to feel worse?!

juniperdingleberries Thu 24-Mar-16 15:06:26

Sounds like something else has happened before this.

TeenAndTween Thu 24-Mar-16 15:06:53

Neither or both.

Stereotypically:

Woman - likes to moan to get something off her chest

Man - hears a problem to be solved. He has 'caused' it, so feels got at.

Champagneformyrealfriends Thu 24-Mar-16 15:08:12

Agree with teen.

houseHuntinginmanchester Thu 24-Mar-16 15:08:46

Dp might not be a man.

LineyReborn Thu 24-Mar-16 15:09:43

But who were you moaning to on FB? Who saw it?

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Thu 24-Mar-16 15:10:20

We are both females smile

What do you mean Juniper? Like you suspect there is a backstory or argued today?

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Thu 24-Mar-16 15:11:02

It was just a Facebook message to DP - private message.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 24-Mar-16 15:11:28

Even thought you won't have meant it as such, I can see why your DP might have felt you were having a slight go about the fact he is working Easter and Xmas.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Sometimes, no matter what sex, you need to make things very clear that you're just having a general moan WHILE you're having the moan.

TheStoic Thu 24-Mar-16 15:11:41

If I had to work when someone else had time off, I would not want to hear them moaning about 'being alone'. That would be salt in the wound.

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Thu 24-Mar-16 15:15:10

TheStoic this did cross my mind after the moan.

I do get the impreession that I can't voice my concerns without us getting into a niggle though. I don't know if anyone remembers my thread about DP's sisters comment on my facebook? I ended up deleting FB (have clearly reactivated it lol) because I was fed up of nasty comments on there - not just from her Sister. Then DP made me text her Sister to tell her she was not the reason I deleted it. DP was really off with me. So yes, another moan that I am being punished for!

MaudGonneMad Thu 24-Mar-16 15:15:34

I think you are, sorry

AppleyName Thu 24-Mar-16 15:15:45

YABU. If I had to work Easter and Christmas I would be playing the world's smallest violin for my partner at home with their feet up.

CrownofStars Thu 24-Mar-16 15:16:48

I think you were in the wrong. I would read your post as a passive agressive dig at the person who is working.
It's one of those 'don't mind me, I'll just sit in a corner with the lights off' comments designed to make the other person feel dreadful.
Why can't you cook yourself a nice meal or go out and do something interesting if you're alone at Easter?

LineyReborn Thu 24-Mar-16 15:16:54

Well then you had a FB private message 'dig' at her.

Or is there some backstory thing?

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Thu 24-Mar-16 15:18:18

I agree with you.

However she is in a mood because she feels bad about working. She could have just said "boo fucking hoo, I have to work" but thats not where her beef lays is it? She is pissed off that I am moaning about it when she feels bad

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Thu 24-Mar-16 15:20:05

I think I owe her an apology then don't I? blush

I just didn't like the comment about me taking my PMT out on her!

She has bought me gardening things to keep me occupied on the weekend. I am a bitch aren't I?

Helmetbymidnight Thu 24-Mar-16 15:21:23

Tbh, I would have stopped replying to you much earlier.

Moaning face to face is one thing, but in writing as well?

PMT. Easter. Christmas...when will it end ;)

PS. I'm not much of a moaner though. I like to let it eat me up!

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Thu 24-Mar-16 15:22:13

I went to apologise, I opened up the chat but I can't bring myself to. I don't think my messages need an apology?

Helmetbymidnight Thu 24-Mar-16 15:22:52

Nah, don't need to apologise. Just be less moany tonight.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 24-Mar-16 15:23:49

OP: Was I unreasonable?
Most people: Probably, yes.
OP: Fine. But I'm not going to apologise.

Sigh.

Friendlystories Thu 24-Mar-16 15:24:33

What Teen said ^
I've learned over the years to moan to friends rather than DH if I just need to get something off my chest, he is a 'fixer' as are most men ime and doesn't understand moaning for the sake of venting my feelings. He will try to make suggestions or find a way to change the situation I'm complaining about so he gets frustrated when he can't and I get frustrated because all I wanted was for him to agree the situation is shit and sympathise with me. It's easier all round if I pick my audience so I talk to him if it's a practical problem that needs resolving and a friend if I just need a sympathetic ear. Neither of you is being unreasonable, it's shit for everyone him having to work holidays but it doesn't sound like he has much choice so I would avoid making him feel worse by moaning to him about it. I get that you just want to hear him say he's pissed off about it too but, if he's more of a practical thinker than an emotional one, he won't get that and all it will achieve is you both feeling more wound up.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 24-Mar-16 15:25:23

DH and I used to have arguments like this. The magical phrase is, "the story I'm telling myself...". So, the story DP is telling herself is... maybe that you are blaming her, maybe that you are moaning when she has to work, maybe that you moan a lot. Then it's not 'about' you and you can say, "oh the story I'm telling myself is that you chose to work" or whatever.

It's sorted out DH and my arguments!

LineyReborn Thu 24-Mar-16 15:26:05

Bloody easter holiday on my lonesome ... I'll be having a sandwich...

Guilt trip, no?

shoeaddict83 Thu 24-Mar-16 15:26:46

Dr Seth nailed it!! grin

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