Argument and husband left house without wedding ring(135 Posts)
I need some advice please! Sorry this is long.
I did a family meal last night as it was my late Dad's birthday and 1 year on I didn't want to ignore it but not really celebrate it either - so I just did an informal meal for us and the kids.
We didn't drink much - a glass for a toast and one more after. So no-one drunk but not completely sober.
Meal goes well then my husband and mum start a conversation - to which I know she has extreme views on and he equally. Think religion ... but it wasn't. Husband fed her with an awful line to consider to which her response was equally as awful. At this point I put a stop to the conversation - said each to their own opinion and left it there.
Husband then went into a mood and started to clear away - signalling the night was most definitely over. I knew he meant this, mum and sibling just took the hint and packed up to leave.
They thanked us for the evening and he muttered a goodbye.
I went to bed not wanting to cause a row. I couldn't sleep and was upset he'd ended the night on a sour note.
This morning he asks abruptly why I'm not speaking. I told him I thought he was rude last night and that due to the date he could have let it slide for once.
He asks if I'm going to give my mum 'as much grief' for what she'd said - to which I replied yes I'll tell her it was out of order too.
I tell him he's not innocent in it all and fed her a ridiculously awful line to consider.
Then ... all hell breaks lose and he goes mad saying how out of order my mum was, when I once again pointed out he'd fed her theory with an awful line ... he refused to accept any part.
She'd brought us an expensive gift round too ... so when I said "Look it was an important date, she brought us a lovely gift, couldn't it have just been an easy night ...
He flies off the handle and says 'give it her back' and then smashes a coffee pot and wine glass all over the side in the kitchen.
I couldn't quite believe how mad he'd gone. He throws toddler tantrums but doesn't usually smash stuff - and I stupidly cleaned it up.
He apologised to the kids and refused to apologies to me.
I told him I was sick of it and that I could do this all on my own.
I then told him I didn't mean what I'd said but what he'd done was unacceptable.
He showered, then I showered, then he left for work without saying a word.
He's left his wedding ring on the side. He never does this, so not accidently forgotten to put it back on.
I rang my mum and she said she was glad I stopped the conversation when I did, and each to their own on opinion, but she feels awful it esculated to an argument. She thought he was a bit 'off' at the end of the night but mainly that she just thought he was tired when he left the table.
She said to not argue back and just wait until he comes round.
We have a weekend of family stuff with both sides of the family which I can't 'fake' all weekend.
Am I seriously in the wrong here?
Hate arguments but don't think I need to apologies here ...
Feeling a bit numb more than anything at the moment.
What do you think?
I know it's always hard to tell from one side of the story - but from what you say, no, I don't see how you are in the wrong.
I would say at a time when you're remembering your dad (and your mum is presumably remembering her husband), your husband should have been extra considerate and accommodating. It's what anyone ought to do for their partner at a time like that.
He may not have meant to start the row and may not see his comment as being as out of order as you do (and does sound as if your mum doesn't see it as being as one-sided as you do). But I can't follow why he would get into such a temper about it, and smashing things and shouting is arsehole behaviour in anyone's book.
I'd be asking him what the heck is going on when he comes back - unless there's something he's not telling you he owes you a big apology.
telling your husband that his deeply held views are not important and it's just "each to their own opinion" is not good at all, unless the opinion is something trivial like the colour of socks that should be warn, nut it doesn't sound like it is. You don't end a discussion on deeply held topics by devaluing everyone's views to just opinions - So for that I would say you do need to apologise, or at least recognise the wrongness - particularly if by saying "each to their own" you were actually siding with your mother. i.e. your mother was suggesting a generally abhorrent viewpoint and you just said "each to their own", rather than challenge her on it.
It mostly sounds though that your DH and your DM have incompatible views, if you genuinely think both views are fine - then you probably just need to stop doing things with both of them, but it's quite odd that on such important matters you have no opinion.
I don't think it is devaluing opinions to call them that, even if they are deeply held. Surely, adults mostly learn that even if they feel strongly about something, another person may disagree?
I guess if the mum was saying something truly offensive to the husband - racism, or something along those lines - I'd be questioning it. But I wonder if it was that situation, since the comparison the OP uses is to religion, which is something where people disagree strongly, but isn't usually a matter of discrimination.
I'll come back properly shortly - but it was about reincarnation.
But regarding evil people and their acts.
For what it's worth I didn't agree with my mums point of view but thought the example my husband gave was out of order. I didn't want a debate yesterday of all days (don't get me wrong I'm happy to debate with the best of them usually) and just wanted to put an end to the potential escalating row.
They usually get on very well.
It sounds like your mum and Dh had equal and opposing views on the topic?
In this very instance I think your Dh should have just changed the topic and remembered the purpose of the meal and getting together. Surely for this once, he could give you all the benefit of the doubt.
His behaviour is truly awful and you did nothing wrong. Breaking the glass was really out of order and now leaving the ring behind is just to hurt you. I'm sorry you had to be in the middle of this .
No, you are not in the wrong. Sounds like he deliberately started an argument and then ramped it up, and his reaction afterwards is extreme. Could he be feeling guilty and now trying to justify it to himself?
He doesn't sound very nice,tbh, knowing it was a particularly difficult day for you and your Mum, being goady, throwing a tantrum, blaming you.
Does he like to be centre of attention , or is there some other reason he's kicked off?
I agreed with Jeanne, ask him what is going on, and yes, he does owe you an apology.
It was rude of both of them to get embroiled in an argument at the dinner table after you had cooked a lovely meal on the anniversary of your father's death. How is the relationship with your DH generally because his actions seem extreme?
OP, I get the feeling there's more to this than personal opinions. Maybe it's politics? My normally easy going husband went apeshit when the Scottish referendum was going on. We're Scots living south of the border.
Just a few "for instances" - switch channels when Andy Murray was playing. Swearing like a potty mouth. A lifelong fan of Sean Connery, he's as good as dead now. Turns off the Bond films he's in. His friend of 25yrs+ hung up on him due to vile behaviour and went no contact. When I asked if he was upset he shrugged. At a family wedding, that's all he spoke about to relatives and strangers. He was against separation. Tweeted furiously, even to the point of receiving death threats. He was like a bear with a sore head.
Now we're approaching the EU referendum he's firing up again. He can go and "bile his hied" to put it in the vernacular. You need to sit him down and ask him gently what's going on due to his massive over reaction. I just laugh at him now, won't engage anymore re politics or religion.
Does not sound like you were unreasonable.
An entrenched, heated debate is not suitable for the end of a meal like this. They should have let it be for the time being.
Your husband's behaviour this morning was very bad. Especially the smashing things which is inexcusable. He sounds like a bully. Is he?
Your mum's response this morning is very telling too. She has shown you how a reasonable person would respond I think.
I had a similar incident with my Son In Law, after my Mum died, it's changed the way I feel towards him.
It was an anniversary, as such, for you and your Mother, your DH should have respected that and steered clear of an argument.
Would you, or any posters really not respect how someone was feeling on the anniversary of the death, of her Husband, only a year on?
He behaved disgracefully, he had guests, there was grieving/remembering going on and now he's been violent with his children present.
You need a serious think and talk about his behaviour.
X post, he started a debate about reincarnation on the anniversary of your Dad's death, with his Widow?
If it had have been Religion etc, then I can see the point of arguing, it's causing wars, after all, but reincarnation?
It makes a difference to no-one what your views are on this.
He was inappropriate at a time when you were remembering your DDad.
He smashed things in front of your children.
He has toddler like temper tantrums.
I couldn't live with this shit sorry.
He throws toddler tantrums
Whatever else is going on, this is a big no-no for me.
The subject of reincarnation on the anniversary of a loved ones death, particularly when strong views are held seems very goady.
Smashing things and leaving wedding rings at home the morning after is not a proportionate response.
I hate to sound MN cliche but I really do think there is something else going on.
I don't know, I can see reincarnation being a sore point for many. Particularly a grieving widow.
Your husband's reaction is extreme and concerning. You say he throws temper tantrums (which is pathetic in a grown adult) but this time he smashed things... red flags.
I don't think this is black and white tbh.
How did the conversation start? Reincarnation after all is a fairly specific subject, what was the line that he gave your mum to consider? If they both had a heated argument and you were the one to put a stop to it I can see why he might feel that you treated him like a child and then refused to engage until he brought it up. It doesn't excuse his reaction but it does go some way towards explaining it. I would be annoyed if my DP went to bed without talking to me and still wasn't talking to me in the morning without explanation.
You have nothing to say sorry for.
The fact that he smashed things up in front of you and your DC is not good OP you must know that. I know from experience that abusive relationships can start of with tantrums and then silences and then it progresses onto things in the house being smashed up and then it can go onto the people in the house being hurt.
His behaviour would signal the end of the relationship for me.
But, wannabe, she says he went quiet first - he went off into the kitchen.
I disagree with both their views. I did not want to say this. I wanted a chilled out evening.
On a good day I'll tell you he's a great father, loves his kids, cares deeply for his family and works hard for us all
On a bad day I'll tell you I often walk on eggshells with his moods, I feel like a skivvy in the house as I do most of the childcare/housework due to working part-time and I'd like to be appreciated more
Today's not a good day really.
I don't want to row tonight. I don't want to 'have' to do the silent treatment, I don't want to 'draw a line under it all' if he comes home in a good mood and is nice to me (he can't say sorry very well ... I'm years in on trying to get him to do this) but I just want the atmosphere to be happy again.
My mum is very philosophical about these things and just said that these things get blown out of proportion and everyone goes through rows - you just never hear about them.
She's right I know (although still wrong on her view last night! ha!) - but what grates the most is that I would never ever behave like he did if the roles were reversed and it was his side of the family.
I may not be perfect, far from, but I'm not rude and inconsiderate.
A "good father" is "good" 100% of the time, not just when things go his way and nobody dares to disagree with him
But it all comes down to communication.
he went into the kitchen. Op went to bed. No-one said anything. Op was clearly still annoyed this morning that it took her DH to ask why she wasn't talking.
And given this was a discussion, while the op shut it down, it presumably wasn't something personal - just something which the two parties held strong opposing views on.
I've been in the position where I've been having a discussion and someone decides to silence me. It can be degrading and make you feel very small. I too would have gone into the kitchen or somewhere out of the way afterwards.
bearing in mind we're talking about opinions here not a stand up row where individuals were insulting each other...
While I don't agree with the DH's response I do think there is more to this and that it's possible he feels undermined hence his outburst this morning...?
On a bad day I'll tell you I often walk on eggshells with his moods
I can tell you that my DP and I both have times when we're overworked/stressed/unhappy, but I can also tell you that I NEVER have to walk on eggshells for fear of what he might do. That is how it should be.
And what Any says.
Having to walk on eggshells ANY of the time is awful.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.