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AIBU?

to not want father to be birthing partner?

21 replies

lillypad2016 · 24/03/2016 00:12

I'm currently pregnant with first child. Recently the father and I have started to drift apart in a massive way. We never see each other and hardly ever talk. Things went downhill with us during the pregnancy to the point where I don't really feel very comfortable around him.

We aren't arguing anymore but we just aren't talking and I don't think I want him at the hospital with Me as it will make me feel really uncomfortable.

He of course wants to be in the room with me and I don't really want to make him miss the birth. If the tables were turned I would be devastated.

Should I just let him be my birthing partner or should I be selfish and have my mother with me ?

OP posts:

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RubbleBubble00 · 24/03/2016 00:19

Have both

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/03/2016 00:21

He does not actually have a choice.

It is soley your choice who is going to be their to support and advocate on your behalf whilst you are giving birth.

Birthing partners are not there for a chance to see a baby they are there to be a support and help to you whilst you give birth, in an ideal modern world the person best placed to do this for you would be the father but if he is not then it is incredibly silly to use him.

You need to be confident that you feel supported and comfortable at a time when in all likelyhood you are at your most vulnerable and that the person with you can prioritise your needs, anyone who argues about their right to witness a birth is not going to be a person who can do that

2rebecca · 24/03/2016 00:22

If you aren't together then he is your ex and most women don't have their ex at the birth. A birthing partner is there to support you not gawp at the baby

Fatmomma99 · 24/03/2016 00:22

The worst pain you're ever likely to experience? I'd say you get the choice!

Fatmomma99 · 24/03/2016 00:24

p.s. Have done it, it's not THAT bad.

I mean, it does hurt (a lot), but gas n air REALLY help, and it's a pain for a purpose.... it's not the same as stubbing your toe, which really fucking hurts and for no reason except you were clumsy or tripped or something. It hurts, but then you've got your baby. YOUR BABY!!!! That you carried and everything. So it hurts, but it's ok.

Have who will help you there for your own peace of mind - if you are happy, it will help baby be happy.

I hope you and your partner resolve things soon, and good luck. x

GiddyOnZackHunt · 24/03/2016 00:26

Labour with someone who loves you. If the main event looks likely he could come if that's what you want.
It is important to feel supported in labour. Stress can slow things down.

Primaryteach87 · 24/03/2016 00:29

I wouldn't have him in your circumstances but I had a terrible birth and relied on my (wonderful!) DH a lot. Could your mum be your birthing partner but ring once you start pushing (which is typically not the longest bit)? You might be in so much pain you don't really notice him by that point. This isn't helping isn't it, sorry!

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2016 00:32

See how you feel. I really needed DH because he was strong and would STFU when I needed. Your ex could be a good birth partner, your DM could be. Or you could get a doula.

But he has no right to be there for labour.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/03/2016 00:34

Do what you want OP.

Manage your pain and comfort in the way you want. No one else gets a say.

Topseyt · 24/03/2016 00:35

Don't have him in the room. Have your Mum instead. He can visit some time after the baby has arrived.

lillypad2016 · 24/03/2016 00:35

Thanks everyone. I think you're right just try to make myself as comfortable as possible.

Think primaryteach may have come up with a smart plan there. That way everyone is happy in the end

OP posts:

AGBforever · 24/03/2016 00:36

Agree with pp's - labour is about supporting the mother, not being first in line to see the baby

Inertia · 24/03/2016 07:01

Giving birth isn't a spectator sport. If he makes you feel uncomfortable now, it'll be a hundred times worse when you're in labour and need unconditional support. Have someone there who will put your needs first.

Diamogs · 24/03/2016 07:05

Your needs trump his wants. Do what you want.

5madthings · 24/03/2016 07:14

As others have said birth isn't a spectator sport, if someone else is there it's to support the mother. Thst is their primary role and if the mother doesn't want or feel happy with them doing it then it doesn't happen.

It's really important thst you are as comfortable and relaxed as you can be going into labour op, so have the person who makes you feel comfortable.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2016 07:20

You don't have to have him f you don't want.

MrsH1989 · 24/03/2016 07:29

I second having him there for the pushing. He gets to see the "birth" but you get the support you need for the labour. Maybe he could wait outside until then?

Have you actually separated?

Jessbow · 24/03/2016 07:43

Short answer is, you need to talk to him, bearing in mind what has been said above, and bearing in mind how upset you'd be if the table was turned.
Whatever is, and whatever was, you are having a child together, and need to get it right for the child.
Sort out the boundaries NOW

5madthings · 24/03/2016 07:52

jess getting it right for the child, yes Ince it's born they need ro work together but he doesn't need to be at the birth and him being there will have no benefit for the child if anything it could be detrimental as a a woman who isn't supported or relaxed may not labour well.

As for letting him come in for the pushing bit... Think very carefuly about if you will be happy with this, you will be at your most vulnerable and again it is not a spectator sport.

Also not all labour/delivery wards have somewhere that he will be able to wait and who will fetch him at this stage? You may well not want your mum (if she is your birth partner) to leave to go and get him.

And whilst the pushing stage can.be short it can also take a while especially for first babies and you may still really want your mum's support and not to be watched.

CocktailQueen · 24/03/2016 08:12

I agree with the others - have who YOU want and who YOU're most comfortable with. Doesn't sound like that will be your ex.

If you hardly ever see him and are drifting apart, is he your ex? Don't you think you need to clarify exactly what's happening with your relationship and where you are so that you can put boundaries in place and sort out things like maintenance for your child, access for your ex, etc., when the baby's here? I assume you don't live together? I think you need to sit down and talk it all out with him - before the baby is here!

Good luck.

iyamehooru · 24/03/2016 08:23

Have mum with you but him there outside and allow him in to witness the birth.

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