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To want to get this out there, I need to write it down somewhere because otherwise I am going to walk out of the door and never come back.

(42 Posts)
beatendown Wed 23-Mar-16 22:37:50

Have N/C

I don't even know where to start but I need to write this down and tell someone because I am sick of crying and feeling hopeless and useless and quite frankly wanting to run away or worse. I am sick of hiding how bad things are, putting on a face and carrying on.

My child is 13. She has some mild additional needs. In November I went to the GP because her meltdowns have become horrendous. I was worn out with her behaviour and was referred to CAMHS and we are still waiting for help.

My child is domestically violent. Every single night. She is as big as me, she is stronger than me, she hits me, she pushes me, she scratches me, she kicks me, she throws things, she bites me, she calls me names, I am stupid, selfish, mean, pathetic, worthless she hates me, she wishes she had a nicer Mum.
She is furious that I went to the GP, I have apparently ruined her life, I apparently want to ruin her life, want her to never get a job etc. She calls me names because I have told the GP, a friend and my parents some of how bad she is.
When she has really gone too far and injured me she is sorry for a day and then returns to normal. I have according to her 'brought it on myself'

I have no doubt what so ever I am suffering depression as a result. I am frightened of her coming home.

Consequences don't work, they make her more angry and more aggressive.
I KNOW why she is like this. She hates school, she is not coping at the moment there. I am doing all I can to help and sort things and get her help.

It has not always been like this. We used to have a lovely relationship

I ended up in tears with my Mum at the weekend, I'm done, I cannot cope like this anymore. I am in a violent relationship with my child and if this was an adult I would have walked away but how can I walk away from my child?

There's no respite, exh is not around to help, parents too old to handle her.

Honestly this is no life and she is driving me either to complete mental breakdown or worse.

AgathaMystery Wed 23-Mar-16 22:40:26

I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. Is ringing the police an option for you?

BillSykesDog Wed 23-Mar-16 22:46:02

The fact that your response has been to come on here and ask for support rather than doing something drastic shows what a brilliant amazing Mum you are despite the terrible situation you are in.

Do you think perhaps looking at putting her in care for a while is an option? It may give you a chance to break the cycle or at least have some respite so that you feel stronger to deal with this.

beatendown Wed 23-Mar-16 23:05:00

She would react very very badly to the police being called.

Honestly Bill I am sad to say I have considered it. If I did not think Exh would be alerted and react in the way I suspect (left when dd was tiny ironically due to his treatment of me) it is something I would consider.

I cannot go on like this.

Yoksha Wed 23-Mar-16 23:10:31

OP, if your exh is not around, why is consideration of his reaction a problem for you?
Don't have a solution. Is home schooling an option?
flowers for you.

GrannyWeatherWaxandtheBees Wed 23-Mar-16 23:10:49

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would investigate domestic violence support - I'm sure some will have the ability to offer advice for child/parent DV. Women's Aid? I believe this is relatively common and simply underreported as a problem.

Please do seek help - it sounds serious and as if it is impacting you in a significant way. Even if it is from your child, no one should live like this or suffer abuse. You deserve more, and by taking action to address this you will be sending your DD a message that it is not ok in any circumstances to do this, or live with this. That is good parenting right there. Also if your mental health is suffering, you are in a less strong position to parent your DD and get her the help she clearly needs.

What is your relationship with your exDH like? Has he behaved similarly towards you or others?

Sorry if this is no help, I don't have experience of this and rarely post but wanted to let you know you have support here and I'm sure people with more help will be along.

BestZebbie Wed 23-Mar-16 23:16:51

Regardless of what can be done for your daughter, can you go to the GP and get some help for yourself? I'm primarily thinking of some kind of counselling support, ideally tailored for people in your situation, and potentially treatment for depression (if you are not already doing that).

There are also helplines for people dealing with violent children, perhaps they would have useful advice or at least provide a listening ear to support you?
www.itv.com/thismorning/violent-children-helplines

GrannyWeatherWaxandtheBees Wed 23-Mar-16 23:23:02

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/420963/APVA.pdf

This mentions a charity on p3 Family Lives that specialises in teen-parent abuse.

Twowrongsdontmakearight Wed 23-Mar-16 23:26:29

My heart goes out to you, but I'm sure it is a phase. You've had a good relationship previously. Can I ask how long this has been going on for? And are her problems at school related to friendships or schoolwork?

We had problems in the past, though not physical. My strategy was to try and keep lines of communication open and when told how much I was hated would say that it was a shame as I loved them. I also took myself away from situations. Said that I didn't like what I was hearing and that I would leave the room. If you want to talk civilly I'm in my room upstairs etc.

In our case it was triggered by friendship issues and my not believing that it was 'bullying'. (I don't like that word being over-used) but DC was very unhappy.

FWIW things have been great for a long time now and that is all behind us.

Meloncoley2 Wed 23-Mar-16 23:27:11

How is she getting on at school? I am thinking that her learning needs coupled with a hefty dose of teenage hormones may be behind this.
What help is being offered from school?
And I would echo PP and say you need to do something to look after yourself in this situation.

kipperydippery Wed 23-Mar-16 23:46:07

Oh OP I'm there with you. It is horrific isn't it sad You mentioned CAMHS. When you get your appt please ask about the possibility of Aspergers for your DD. I'm not one to diagnose over the internet normally but your DD sounds incredibly like mine.

I have a nearly 10 year old DD with Aspergers & I could have written your post word for word 2 nights ago but I chickened out.

Is she OK at school, basically waiting until she gets home to fall apart? How are mornings? Mine are hell. I can't get her ready for school, but when she comes home she tells me she hates me etc & she wishes she lived at school because they are nice there...

I've had various helpful suggestions from some lovely, well meaning, support workers. Hmmm.

I still have bruises up my arms & a chipped front tooth & a DD2 who is not coping well with all the agro.

If you want to PM me please do. Not sure I want to post anything else on a public forum.

TheBouquets Thu 24-Mar-16 00:02:04

This is a problem that has been kept out of sight for many years. As with male to female physical abuse (and other abuses) there is a certain amount of shame and worry that the facts will not be believed. When it comes to a child attacking a parent, the shame is doubled because the parent thinks they have failed to raise a decent child. There is so little said about this type of abuse that the fear of not being believed is greater too.
Thank you OP for having the courage to speak out about this kind of situation It was so brave of you

cozietoesie Thu 24-Mar-16 00:10:13

What did your GP, your friend and your parents actually say or do when you told them about some of the situation?

Fatmomma99 Thu 24-Mar-16 00:19:13

My heart goes out to you for the situation you are in. I'm so sorry for you (and your DD, actually).

If you are not physically safe, you need to ring the police when you are in that situation.

The links PPs have given may well be helpful to you.

And perhaps - and hopefully - your CAMHS referral will ultimately lead to help for you, but I do know their waiting lists are long and I appreciate you need help NOW.

This is in no way a criticism, but I would massively recommend you do a parenting course. I'm not suggesting your parenting isn't good, but I promise, they will give you techniques and ideas to parent differently. As a very wise friend of mine says, if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. A parenting course will give you an opportunity and ideas to try different things, and I believe (unless there's a major diagnosed MH need that CAMHS will diagnose for you), this will lead to changes in both your lives. I'm happy to talk to you in more detail off-forum if that will help.

Good luck!

LifeofI Thu 24-Mar-16 00:28:51

is your child being bullied at school then taking it out on you?
This may be the answer as this was me and my mum and my mum refused to take me out the school. I wanted to be home schooled and i would of been better off if i was.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 24-Mar-16 00:47:44

On a practical level,

Have you crisis planned your house, worked out less risky areas safe escape that sort of thing?

What steps have you taken to work out what the issue with school is and how it can be changed or managed?

Does your local children's center have a parenting challenging teenagers course or info resource?

Have you considered asking the school for a CAF

Would you consider covertly recording or filming an episode so you can disect it afterwards (by yourself) see if you can utilise it to work out triggers and/ or anyways you can adjust your response in order to see if it challenges her auto reaction? I know it sounds crazy but I know a few parents who have found this valuble as during the high stress times they were interacting in ways that they did not realise,knowing helped them start challenging more effectively.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Mar-16 01:00:31

A helpline included in the itv list mentioned below is one I was going to suggest,

www.youngminds.org.uk

Looking at the website they say they offer free, confidential online and telephone support, including information and advice, to any adult worried about the emotional problems, behaviour or mental health of a child or young person up to the age of 25.

The YoungMinds Parents Helpline is open from 9.30 to 4.00pm, Mon- Fri.
They are on 0808 802 5544 (free for mobiles and landlines). They support callers from England, Scotland, Wales and N Ireland.
If you use their contact form, apparently they will respond to your query within 3 working days.

I am so sorry she is physically aggressive to you. Have you spoken to your doctor about your own needs? I seem to be repeating what others have said but please know another is reading and wants to help. Next time DD lashes out violently, go somewhere safe. If you still feel threatened then you have every right to contact the police. She will be furious but the alternative is getting assaulted which, by a stranger in the street, would be unthinkable, and on a continual basis is degrading and intolerable.

She scares you, says cruel things and is simultaneously confused and unhappy, but the truth is as she appears to push you away she needs you now more than ever.

ImperialBlether Thu 24-Mar-16 01:12:34

Someone really suggested home schooling?

Atenco Thu 24-Mar-16 05:21:23

Just trying to be helpful here. My dd was never violent but extremely challenging from twelve to thirteen. Part of the problem was solved by accident. She had a week of terrible headaches that made it impossible for her to go to school. I took her to the GP and he was as useful as a chocolate teapot so a few days later decided to try an acupuncturist. The first thing he asked was she had PMT and bad period pains, which she did. Gave her the appropriate treatment and the headaches went away, but also her behaviour majorly improved.

gardenswithchickensinthem Thu 24-Mar-16 05:28:21

flowers

First of all, you are NOT alone! There are other people on here who have gone through similar and have come out the other side.

I think my two 'suggestions' are - draw a line at physical violence, involve police if necessary. I know you are probably very reluctant to do that and I understand why but I think a line in the sand has to be drawn there - when you strike another person, bite them, punch them - you have crossed that line. Nothing has to 'happen' in the sense of prosecutions etc., but it is an important message especially if you have other children.

This behaviour is not your fault. Do not focus on solutions - I don't mean that in the sense that you shouldn't do anything, but rather, focus on keeping yourself together and in one piece.

It's incredibly hard.

DaggerEyes Thu 24-Mar-16 06:11:49

I also think phone the police. If telling the doctor about her behaviour is so bad, then maybe after the police being called and her entire meltdown written down by a surly policemen/woman a few times, she might at least stop the violence??

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan Thu 24-Mar-16 06:12:34

My son was like this, although not s physically violent towards me, but would smash furniture, damage walls etc. It was horendous. He hated school, and we still are not sure why. He had friends, was not bullied (had been jn primary, but secondary was fine), is bright and so wasn't strughling with schoolwork.

He seemed very angry but also depressed, and was treated by the GP for depression. The GP referred him to CAMHS but when tbe appointment came through he refused to attend. We were at breaking point, and it almost destroyed our marriage as we had different ways of dealing with it. I seriously vontemplated suicide at times, as his anger was directed at me more than at my husbsnd or younger son.

What finally helped was him leaving school. Within days of leaving he was a different person. He immediately got a job, which he's doing really well at, and is a charming, polite, delightful young adult. He has acknowledged that he put us through 4 years of absolute hell, although i don't think he really understands the impact it has had on us or on his younger brother.

I know it is horrendous, and you need to tell someone. I felt very embrarrased about it at the time, especially as everyone around me seemed to have these amazingly lovely, bright, engaging teens and I had a child from hell, or so it felt. But when i did confide in other people I learned that some of them were having similar problems, which made me feel less alone.

If your daughter is physically hurting you, you need help to stay safe. I would ring a DV helpline, and see what they suggest. Your daughter sounds as though counselling might help. Could you afford to sort this privstely rather than go through CAMHS if thats quicker? In many areas there are young peoples counselling services run by charities which are cheaper or sometimes free.

I'm so sorry for you, OP, and really hope that you get the support you neeed.

backinaminute Thu 24-Mar-16 06:52:56

You are absolutely not alone and it is not your fault.

I would ring the Police on the non-emergency number. Tell them you are suffering Adolescent to Parent Violence and need to some advice.

Also I would call the domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247. Awareness of children abusing their parents is increasing. I would ring the helpline and ask their advice.

Please believe me when I say this happens in so many families.

MattDillonsPants Thu 24-Mar-16 06:53:43

Gosh OP you need to post on Mumsnet Special Needs as there are people there who;ve been through this too and will know a lot about how to get more help for you and DD. flowers it's not your fault.

frumpet Thu 24-Mar-16 06:59:51

The problem with not contacting the police is that it is almost like implied consent to allow her to behave this way .

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