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AIBU..... Row with daughter

(48 Posts)
IthinkIamsinking Wed 23-Mar-16 18:26:17

Am genuinely keen to hear other's opinions.
Bit of background. My 17 (nearly 18) DD plays a musical instrument and every Wednesday attends a gathering of other musicians to teach younger kids how to play same instrument. She gets paid a small amount per child. She is usually out from 6.15pm to around 8.30 to 9pm. She also plays as part of a large group every Thursday in a venue which she loves and has been doing for a while. This involves a later night and she is usually out from about 7 until midnight (she gets a lift home) I have been very hmm about how late this is but she gets such enjoyment out of these sessions that I have relented.
So here is the AIBU
She is due to sit her A2 exams which start probably about six weeks after Easter. She needs to get AAA to take up her place at Uni. She works hard and I never have to nag her to work but I have said she needs to choose one of the nights as it is too much for her to be out two consecutive nights every week in the run up to her exams. She can then do the two nights again after exams
My DD has just stormed off after an argument saying it is not fair.
Just wondered what others thought.

Leeds2 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:29:24

I think I agree with you! I would though check her exam timetable - if she had an exam on Friday morning, I wouldn't want her out until midnight the night before. But, if she has one exam on Wednesday and the next the following Monday, I think I would be OK with it and be happy for her to have some chill time.

zoeymlucas Wed 23-Mar-16 18:29:40

YABU- she is nearly 18 and an adult she sounds very sensible and doesn't need to chasing to study and this shows she knows what is needed and what she needs to get there. She is old enough to understand and make choices for her life and career so cut her some slack and let her be a grown up

almostthirty Wed 23-Mar-16 18:32:32

YABU she needs some down time or she'll burn out.
I do agree about her checking her exam timetable and making sure she's not out til midnight with an exam the following day.

Ickythumpsmum Wed 23-Mar-16 18:33:11

Torn. I was like your daughter, but instead of twice a week I was playing a minimum of 4 times. I remember fighting my parents about this too, and they did make me reduce it down to twice a week. If your DD is studying every other night and this is her form of relaxation, then I think she should continue. At her age most kids have part time jobs eating into study time. I was lucky to have a seasonal holiday job, but some of my friends were in supermarkets all year round.

I think you should let her keep playing, but you are hardly causing a huge fuss by asking her to reduce it just until her exams.

Twitterqueen Wed 23-Mar-16 18:34:13

You need to trust your daughter and go with what she wants. Speaking from experience of now 3rd DD doing AS and A levels, they know what they need to do.

IthinkIamsinking Wed 23-Mar-16 18:37:28

I agree about the down time.... I guess it is her pressure release but she is usually so knackered the Friday after being out. I wouldn't worry if it was at the weekend but she has a full day of college Wednesdays throughout to Fridays.
Oh I don't know.... Maybe I am worrying about nothing. I rarely if ever have to pull rank so to say so am in unchartered waters. Yes she is nearly an adult and I suppose I should let her make her own decisions.

tiggytape Wed 23-Mar-16 18:37:55

YABU - if she studies consistently in the weeks before her exams there is no reason at all that 2 nights off per week will do any harm at all.
It will probably do her a lot of good in fact.

And since she's nearly 18 this is also possibly one of those areas where you should pick your battles. You have to trust her to do the right thing - and it sounds like she already does.

MunchMunch Wed 23-Mar-16 18:38:39

I think she should be able to do both nights if she wants to. Although I agree with if the exam falls the morning after the late night she should maybe miss it for that night.

I think being able to go and do something she enjoys will be beneficial to her, it will give her time to relax and blow off a bit of steam from all the stresses exams bring.

dodobookends Wed 23-Mar-16 18:39:54

Yeah she needs downtime, and for her it is music. She's only out for two evenings, making her give up one of those will be counter-productive. She will be resentful and that isn't the right mindset for A-level revision.

As long as she's not out really late on the night before a morning exam, let her be.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 23-Mar-16 18:40:21

YABU, she's nearly eighteen, she can cope with two late nights. It's not like she's out drinking, she's doing theatre group and teaching music!

magratsflyawayhair Wed 23-Mar-16 18:41:16

It's her life, her unI and her choice. You can advise and suggest but forcing it will just pile more and more pressure on her and make her seethe with resentment. That, imo, is far more detrimental than doing something she loves.

junebirthdaygirl Wed 23-Mar-16 18:41:41

My dd was like this except it was constant sports training. But it was definitely a great relaxation thing and really helped her studies. Often she would be stressed and cranky after the books but come back from training a new woman. Let her decide. Fighting with her at this stage is more detrimental to her study. She knows herself as such a good student.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:42:40

It's the midnight one I'd be concerned with. They need to be rested.

Could you go through the calendar with her and pick and choose a few dates she can or shouldn't do?

IthinkIamsinking Wed 23-Mar-16 18:44:24

She is playing for several hours on the Thursday which seems to take a lot out of her Hermione. I think they try to have 5 0r 10 minute breaks between sets.

Thanks for the opinions though.... I remember how strung out and knackered she was throughout her GCSE's so I guess I am being over cautious.

MrsJayy Wed 23-Mar-16 18:45:03

I think as a Pp said she could look at her exam time table and maybe not go to the late night if it clashea let her decide on a compromise you are rightvto worry but kids that age can burn the candle at both ends and she doesnt need to be studying every minute im assuming she will be on exam leave will be a distraction schools expect them to take breaks.

PegsPigs Wed 23-Mar-16 18:45:35

If she takes those 2 nights off study as her 'weekend' and studies Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights then I would let her. If she also wants to take a break from study on the weekend I'd say YANBU to make her choose.

polkadotsrock Wed 23-Mar-16 18:46:06

it's not that you're being unreasonable as such but she sounds pretty switched on so I think she'll know herself if/when it becomes too much. Look at the timetable when it comes and approach it with common sense.

whippetwoman Wed 23-Mar-16 18:50:56

My DD is only 14 so at a different stage but I think I would let her do both the nights TBH. I wouldn't let her do the late one on the night before an exam but other than that I would let her.

teeththief Wed 23-Mar-16 18:54:50

I'd let her carry on but gently suggest that she doesn't do the late night one, or even just come home at 10 instead of midnight if she has an exam the next day?

I can see you only want the best for her OP but, as others have said, she is nearly an adult technically so needs to decide for herself.

IthinkIamsinking Wed 23-Mar-16 18:55:13

Good idea Through
Perhaps I need to approach it differently with suggestions rather than ultimatums.

Have already had to quietly bite my tongue, accept she is almost an adult and face my worst fears of the First Trip Abroad With Friends which takes place this summer. I offered to pay for her flight which was a massive step for me.
(in my defence she is a cancer survivor so do tend to worry more than I should)
It really doesn't get any easier does it smile

shinynewusername Wed 23-Mar-16 18:56:30

As her grades are good and she works hard, I think YABU. It's likely to be counter-productive too: you can stop her going out but you can't make her work while she is at home. All you are likely to achieve is a lot of resentment.

bikingintherain Wed 23-Mar-16 18:58:08

I think there is so much stress during exam season that actually it's really healthy to have another outlet. How about a compromise that if she has an exam the following day she misses the activity the night before?

IthinkIamsinking Wed 23-Mar-16 18:59:33

I will talk to her when she gets back. She is pretty pissed off with me right now. Clearly 'suggestion' is the way to go.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 23-Mar-16 19:02:25

I sympathise, I've got ds2 doing A2s and ds3 doing GCSEs. There is a lot of stress in this house, and it's not entirely theirs!

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