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AIBU for being angry at my brothers wife?

(24 Posts)
Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 17:49:11

I found out last night that my brothers wife had changed her name back to her maiden name on facebook then today i see that she has changed her relationship status with another man, i then found out that they are getting divorced and she was cheating on him, im angry that my brother never told me but he said it was too painful which i understand, im more angry because my brother has mental health issues and is disabled due to an accident at work, they do have 2 children together and she has 1 from a previous relationship my brother is stuck in the house caring for the children and doing the housework while shes out doing whatever with her bf, the doctors have told him he is not allowed to do this but he has to because she wont do anything for him even though she is claiming carers allowance they are also selling there house and he has to move into a homeless shelter, hes is trying to fight to get custody of his children so im not talking to his wife because i know what i would do, i find it very disrespectful that she hasnt even waited until the divorce was final before jumping into someone elses bed

Gisla Wed 23-Mar-16 17:50:42

You can feel what you want, but it's really none of your business.

katemiddletonsothermum Wed 23-Mar-16 17:50:59

If you're that angry, can't you look after your brother instead of making him live in a homeless shelter? It might make his custody appeal a bit more successful.

polkadotsrock Wed 23-Mar-16 17:52:01

It's natural to be angry but relationships do break up all the time unfortunately and your anger won't help anyone at all. Try to focus on ways to help and support your brother with housing etc. Good luck to him.

Organon8 Wed 23-Mar-16 17:53:57

Block her if it makes you this angry

WhatDat Wed 23-Mar-16 17:58:19

Your db should report that she is no longer caring for him. It's his business really

Birdsgottafly Wed 23-Mar-16 18:09:13

Her marriage was over in every way, except for the final legal bit, she didn't have to wait.

Instead of directing anger at her, have you got any family that can rally round and all help out, for now?

Gaining residency won't be easy and he'll be expected to communicate with her, so don't add any stress by bringing your feelings into this.

Anyone that's going to help him, will be expected to be Adult enough by the Children's Guardian to talk to each other.

She may not have gone about it the complete right way, but she had the right to end her marriage, you've had one incomplete side of the story.

PotteringAlong Wed 23-Mar-16 18:11:04

If the dr says he's not allowed to look after the children why is he fighting for custody?

Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:11:28

I no longer have her on facebook and i offered him a place to stay but doesnt want it, i know it has nothing to do with me but if he shared it with us we couldve been more supportive, i have told him if he needs to get away for a few hours i will watch the kids or if he wants to talk then to come over anytime, i dont go to his house just incase she is there and i dont want to ruin his custody case, i am going to help him with things like furniture and painting, if i see him tonight i am going to ask him if he wants to come with us when we go away for a long weekend break

Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:12:11

Im more angry at the fact shes treating my brother like crap

Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:16:10

He wants custody because she doesnt look after them. He wants them to go to school in clean clothes and well fed their mother doesnt do it because she obviously doesnt care, hes also looking after her child from a previous relationship but hes not allowed to give him into trouble or force him to go to school because he is respecting what she says, he doesnt want to stay with his real father for unknown reasons

WhatDat Wed 23-Mar-16 19:04:01

So is the 'child from a previous relationship', DB's step son , not attending school?

Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 19:09:59

Yes hes not attending school and he has before forced him to attend school but it only caused him more hassle than what it was worth with them saying your not his dad etc. Even though his mum isnt around to take care of him herself, he has decided to just leave them to it he has been there since he was a baby

WhatDat Wed 23-Mar-16 19:28:40

Who is 'them' saying he's not his dad? I thought you could get into trouble if your children don't attend school, or get fined for taking DC out of school

HopeClearwater Wed 23-Mar-16 19:34:50

There was no full stop in that whole post. Just commas.
Too hard to read.

scarlets Wed 23-Mar-16 19:38:17

All you can do is support your brother, and you seem to be doing a good job of that.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Mar-16 19:57:15

There was no full stop in that whole post. Just commas.
Too hard to read.

WTF? So dont fucking read it, and there is certainly no need to respond.

OP, all you can do is offer support and hopefully one day he will take it, I would find it very hard to just stand back thought so I do understand.

PrimalLass Wed 23-Mar-16 20:12:29

You can feel what you want, but it's really none of your business.

I'm sorry but this is bollocks. If someone in your family has been shafted then of course it is your business as long as your family member wants it to be.

Terribleknitter Wed 23-Mar-16 20:33:30

Of course it's your business, he's your brother and no you're not being U at all. Thing is he needs to accept help to start to get back on track.
He should report her and get that carers allowance stopped and see where he stand wrt his children. Is he in touch with a solicitor? Do you think he needs to see his GP - stress could possibly make his health issues worse.
Channel your anger into a serious talk with him about getting his ducks in a row and forget about her for now. She's done enough damage without taking you down as well.

ohtheholidays Wed 23-Mar-16 20:40:07

Oh OP your poor brother I'm not surprised your angry.

With the issues with the Mum not looking after any of the children properly your brother needs to get proof together if he can it will help when he seeks to gain custody of the children.

How old is the oldest DC?If he's old enough he can make a choice over who he wants to live with.I had a friend who was married, her and husband spilt up and got divorced, she wasn't beeing a good parent and her ex took her to court as the oldest child wanted to live with his Dad it came out in the court case that he wasn't actually the childs biological parent(she'd cheated on him)her ex had already worked that out and they're son said he wanted to live with his Dad and the judge allowed it.
So it doesn't always go in favour of the biological parent.

If your brother is going to go for custody then he needs to start getting things in place especially as he's disabled,I'm disabled myself so I know how hard it can be.

He will need to show that he has help in place for himself and for his children he'll also need to show that he has a plan in place (that is the least disruptive for the family as a whole)for anytime that an emergency may arise to do with your brothers health/disabilities,so someone that could pick the children up from school/drop them off at school,someone that could look after them(they usually prefer if it to be within the child's home but that doesn't have to be set in stone)someone that will cook for them,help with homework all the things a parent would do really.

With your brothers step son I'd be speaking to the school,your brother can show them that he does care and that he wants to work with the school to get his oldest back into school.The school will be interested.

Like another poster said your brother must get intouch with the benefits agency what his ex is doing is benefit fraud.

I don't know what disabilities your brother has OP but if he isn't already getting support because of them if he looks online there will more than likely be a few charitys that support people with the same condition/conditions as your brother has they can be a great source of support and practical help.

Also the Citizens Advice can be really helpful as well,they can help your brother find out his rights,what he's entitled to benefits wise and they might be able to help him access some extra support as well.

Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:15:06

The oldest dc is 15 he stays overnight with his real dad every fortnight but he chooses to stay with my brother, his biological dcs are 12 and 11 so they are old enough to choose who they want to live with. When he comes to visit he always tells us how he has to pick the younger dcs up from school because mum is away out. He was offered an operation to sort his back out but the chances of him being in a wheelchair for the rest of his life were 75% so he didnt want to risk it, he thought his wife would be there to support him. I have offered my help but i have said its up to him. He is bipolar so he already has regular visits whether or not hes open with his doctor about whats going on is a different story. And i am checking on him i gave him money to put credit on his phone so that he could text me if he needed me. Like i said above if he needs help i will gladly pick the kids up from school, drop them off etc..
HopeClearWater i do apologise my grammer isnt too great but dont read i was only asking for advice smile

Aussiemum78 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:24:33

You only have one side of the story and it sounds like this was going on awhile.

I have a friend who has dealt with her ex saying she abandoned her kids but I know full well he stopped her from taking them from their home and refused to move out himself.

Seeing you haven't even been to the house or spoken to her, you should be wary imo

Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 22:05:50

I know her very well and i know how much she controlled his every move, so i know that he is telling the truth. He loves her very much and is heartbroken but he is letting her go, he has already sold his house and is due to move out in april. The council have said he might get a 2 bed flat but if not he needs to go into a hostel. I did visit at xmas and he seemed very upset whilst she kept looking at her phone and giggling away. He has always been the one that done the housework and cooked meals etc.. He is just making sure the kids are fed and have clean clothes on he is focusing on them

Amy214 Wed 23-Mar-16 22:07:46

He also visits a group that supports people with bipolar

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