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to wish my mother could JUST ONCE pretend to be caring

(18 Posts)
TVC15 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:41:06

I have hyperthyroidism-Graves disease which has been proving extremely difficult to treat with drugs. This has been going on for 2+ years and one quite stressful pregnancy. I had a hospital appointment yesterday at which my consultant told me she thinks I should have either radioactive iodine treatment (which could involve me not being able to see my DC for up to three weeks) or a total thyroidectomy.

I was quite worried and a bit upset when I spoke to her yesterday. Her response?

"You could be dealing with much worse. Just think what 'family member who had breast cancer' was coping with at your age'."

For fuck sake. So unless it's a terminal illness I'm not allowed to feel concerned/anxious or have a moan about my worries. For context, I'm a coper. I have zero family her and two DC and have no choice but to get on with things. Sometimes the crap I keep bottles inside me overflows and I feel the need to talk to someone. Note to self: choose the woman in the post office next time.

She is the least compassionate person I've ever met. Unless you're a dog in which case she'll shower you with love and kindness.

wine anyone?

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 22-Mar-16 22:48:09

flowers That's shit.

FWIW if she did magically give you compassion once it would be a horrible disappointment when she didn't the next. At least she's consistently shit. sad

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 22-Mar-16 22:48:20

Sometimes people say things like that because they think it helps

shinynewusername Tue 22-Mar-16 22:50:13

My DM's like this too. I know that doesn't help, but at least you are not alone. It's crap, isn't it? Be kind to yourself flowers

TVC15 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:51:08

Ha! At least there's a brightside MrsPratchett <<clutches straw>

sock if only I could adequately describe her tone as she said it you'd know her intention was most definitely not to reassure me. She was dismissive and cold.

May09Bump Tue 22-Mar-16 22:52:34

Really just let her go - you will waste many years trying to get an appropriate response from her. Focus on your medical needs, lean on friends and use professionals to voice your worries though.

Its is crap - and I have been there. Best wishes for your treatment plan!

LadyTrevelyan Tue 22-Mar-16 22:56:16

Agree with Needs, it's supposed to be helpful but rarely is. Doesn't make it easier to deal with. I hope you are feeling, at least, alrightish thanks.

However, your username is magnificent and I am off to remember.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 22-Mar-16 22:57:55

Some people love to play misery Top Trumps. There presumably is one person in the world worse off than anyone, who is the only person allowed to complain. Everyone else has to suck it up. Like this...

missbishi Tue 22-Mar-16 23:00:07

flowers I have hyperthyroidism too, although manageable, so I have an inkling of what you're going through. Have been told several times by my mother that I'm lucky to have it because of the weight loss thing. Grrr...Great username BTW

fassbendersmistress Tue 22-Mar-16 23:08:12


Sounds very much like my (narcissist) DM. No matter how much I attempt to manage my expectations, I am often astounded by her lack of compassion. My Dsis has cancer and DM will not entertain anyone else's 'problems' if they are not life threatening. Dsis on the other hand is still able to listen/express concern as one normally would if anyone has flu, bug etc...(in your case obviously more serious)

YANBU - you have every right to expect a bit of compassion under the circumstances. Not least from your mum. Everything's relative. Yes, you might not be dying, but in your world and your kids world, this is a very big deal. She has no right to minimise it. Hope you get it sorted soon and in the least invasive way possible.

MamaMotherMummy Tue 22-Mar-16 23:32:37

I know this sounds harsh but I've been in the same boat.

Give up on her ever being nice to you. She clearly does not have the resources or ability to do so.

Focus on loving yourself, being kind to yourself, and extending compassion to yourself. If you're religious or spiritual, focus on God's love for you and surround yourself with loving and kind thoughts and feelings as much as you can. I doubt your mother will ever be able to give you what you need.. I know mine can't.


NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 22-Mar-16 23:36:10

The tone is of course important.

But if she's a stiff upper lip type then she may think that is being caring. You know being all brusk and let's all carry on

Obviously she's wrong but it might be nicer for you. Could you tell her you found it hurtful and let her know this approach does not feel supportive to you and if that fails smack her in the face with a shovel

Madhouse05 Tue 22-Mar-16 23:37:53

Totally understand - am also usually one of life's copers who just gets on but have found myself dealing with so many tribulations (mostly other peoples - who rely on me and also a couple of family deaths blah blah blah) that I've had moments of sinking under the pressure and responsibility (in addition to normal life with several younguns!) and am really fed up of mine saying 'well, you could be in Aleppo' ....obviously I thank my lucky stars I'm not. YANBU - sometimes we all just need someone to say "wow, you're shovelling a whole load of sh@t right now, that must be hard, let's chat".

KatsutheClockworkOctopus Tue 22-Mar-16 23:39:42

YANBU. My dad is the same and I understand. The worst part is always having the slight hope that he will be different, even though I should know better by now.
I'm sorry for all you are going throughflowers

StrictlyMumDancing Tue 22-Mar-16 23:41:06

Yanbu at all
I have hashimotos and whilst thankfully not at your level of awfulness I'm still in a struggle to get treated at all. It's a complete Arse of an illness. I'm a coper too so my family have just thought I was moaning. Wasn't until a funeral where I discovered another family member was going through the same and people overheard our long chat they realised just getting on with life is bloody hard.
thanks hope you get your resolution soon

StrictlyMumDancing Tue 22-Mar-16 23:42:14

Bugger. May have accidentally made a bad move into top trump. Sorry mrsT blush

mrwalkensir Tue 22-Mar-16 23:59:54

It's worse when they pretend to be caring because you know it's fake - my mother is foul in private but gushes in public. Might want to look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships - found it a great help. It helps to stop considering her "family" but you have the double whammy of a long term knackering and worrying condition making it harder to get an external support network built. Like missbishi love the username too. Outing myself by saying if my mother knew I've been going through cancer treatment, she'd (in private) be screaming down the phone at me that I was a self-obsessed attention seeking little bxxch. Luckily I have a good outlook, so she may never know. Hope in a weird way that it hopes to know you're not alone - it's more common that you think. (All the best to your sister fassbendersmistress btw) . Sorry - rambling!

Fatmomma99 Wed 23-Mar-16 00:02:57

It's shit. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you. x

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