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AIBU to be very annoyed with this mother

(89 Posts)
Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 15:44:00

To cut a long story short, we found out recently that DD (age 15) has been bullied for years. It has gone on so long because DD was hiding it through fear or reprisals for telling.

I knew about parts of it in the past, and must've suspected 100 times, but DD has been denying it for the last two years and I was beginning to feel like I was almost wishing it true just to be right.

Anyway DD finally confessed (it had got worse recently) and we told the school who instantly suspended the bully. As you can imagine, it has been extremely upsetting.

What is annoying me though is that the day her Dd was suspended, the bully's mother started calling and texting me. She was insisting on bringing her Dd over to apologise. She was also claiming she'd have dealt with it herself if she'd known.
The thing is she did know because I told her last year, and it was because of her failure to deal with it then, that the bullying got worse and DD started lying to me.
MY DD doesn't want to see or speak to her DD, and she suspects the apology is only to try to redeem herself in other people's eyes but she doesn't mean a word of it.
So, i refused and asked the mother to leave us alone.

Then a few days later, the bully sends my DD an email which its clear her mother wrote. (You can tell its not hers by the language and grammar). Basically it says sorry and then proceeds to devote 90% of the message to blaming DD for not giving enough warnings.

First of all its not true - I've seen other email exchanges where Dd has said that so I don't know if they are deluding themselves or what. However, what is really making my blood boil is that I am certain that its the mother who wrote this.

AIBU?

curren Tue 22-Mar-16 15:48:46

If your dd has denied it for 2 years, why did you tell her last year?

Anyway, you should have spoken to the school then, not the mother. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Screen shot all the texts and send that and the email to school advising they won't leave you alone.

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 15:51:40

DD told me a bit of it last year. It was bad what she described. I told the mother who promised to deal with it. DD told me it had stopped but now I know the bully nearly wet herself laughing that I'd told her mother (and then stepped up the bullying as a punishment).

lavenderdoilly Tue 22-Mar-16 15:52:12

So sorry about what has happened to your dd. Sounds like the mum is trying to dictate the way this is understood. You are absolutely right to focus on the needs of your dd. Conflict resolution can come later if and when your dd is ready.

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 15:52:53

Yes, i wish I'd told the school. I bumped into the mother and told her. She promised to deal with it and I thought she would (she's quite fearsome).

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 15:55:49

Its an ingrained habit with the bully. Its been longer than two years and school has always treated it as an isolated incident. DD lost trust in the school being able to deal with it, and then she lost trust in me too.

I'm just so mad about that email, especially the content but also the fact that there is no way the bully wrote it.

lavenderdoilly Tue 22-Mar-16 15:57:01

Yes to screen shots. Don't engage at the moment or ever if that's how you feel. Your dd has been very brave. The bully no doubt has her own problems as does the mum (shocking to find out your child is a bully) but that is not your concern.

pilates Tue 22-Mar-16 16:01:07

Block the bully's number from your DD's phone and yours. Do not engage at all with either of them.

curren Tue 22-Mar-16 16:03:49

My dd lost faith in her school. That's so hard to deal with.

Don't respond to her. Just pass it on to the school.

RockUnit Tue 22-Mar-16 16:12:15

Don't respond to her. Just pass it on to the school.

This ^

How far did you get with the school? Did you tell the class teacher, head of year, headteachers, governors...?

Gatehouse77 Tue 22-Mar-16 16:18:55

Agree with Curren

whatevva Tue 22-Mar-16 16:26:27

It is in the hands of the school now. Pass everything on to them.

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 16:32:21

The secondary weren't wonderful the first couple of times, and they definitely have missed chances to deal with it but that was a long time ago.
However, this time it seems to have realised how serious it is and they responded very quickly and really have pulled out the stops to make sure DD is safe. I don't know what will happen once all the attention has gone from the situation, but for now, they've been very good.

To be honest, I do know what will happen if it starts up again. I will both tell the school and also take the mountains of evidence to the police.

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 16:37:54

I have no intention of contacting the mother. I am just very angry with her that she wouldn't back off even though I explicitly told her to.

I can see where her DD gets it from.

Also, a bully's mother complaining to a bullied child that they feel aggrieved because the bullied child didn't do more to stop it??!

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 16:39:23

The other thing the mother did in her texts to me and in the email to DD was call it "inappropriate behaviour". It is inappropriate behaviour but that's a very weak description of what was out and out abuse.

whatevva Tue 22-Mar-16 16:40:35

Apples and trees etc wink

lavenderdoilly Tue 22-Mar-16 16:42:28

The mum is flailing around trying to gain control of the situation (probably with one eye on the possibility of legal action). Take care of your dd and yourself.

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 16:52:13

for the mum to legal action? against the school or me?

If I go the police, I have a lot of evidence. The bullying had gone online and the girl was very proud of what she was doing so she put online all the evidence any reasonable person could need.

Obviously i don't know exactly what the school told the mum, but I am beginning to wonder if she actually does know the extent of the bullying and the volume of evidence?

(I don't plan to tell her btw. Her DD is her problem and my DD is mine. I just hope that her DD never has anything more to do with mine. I am so proud of my DD for how she has coped with it all. )

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 16:54:59

I thought at least one poster was going to say IABU because she wanted to apologise and I should've given her the chance.

(But I am glad no one has).

lavenderdoilly Tue 22-Mar-16 16:58:35

Sorry I freaked you out. Last thing you need. When I said 'legal action' I meant defending herself/her child. "Inappropriate behaviour " sounded like refusing to admit what has gone on - it smelt defensive. Just to be clear YANBU.

cranberryx Tue 22-Mar-16 17:01:03

If there is online evidence, I would print all of that and take it to the school along with her emails and request that she stops emailing you.

If she continues I would report to the police for harassment. This must be horrible for your DD, like both the mum and the dd are out to brush this all of.

Your dd deserves better than this, the mums attitude is disgusting.

eddielizzard Tue 22-Mar-16 17:01:19

i'd be fucking hopping. yanbu and def don't let them 'apologise'. it's not going to be an apology and it's to clear the mum's conscience, not through any concern for your dd. flowers

tiggytape Tue 22-Mar-16 17:03:28

Even if the school spelt it out loud and clear to her (and I suspect they did given the sanction in place) this woman seems more inclined to want to minimise it as much as she can.

So she pumps her DD for details, her DD whinges that it really isn't her fault because the other girls told her to do it / your DD didn't seem that upset / it was only a joke or only an accident and she didn't mean it.
And suddenly the mother leaps into tiger mode and decides that not only is her DD not as bad as everyone makes out but is quite possibly a wronged party in all of this and if you would only acknowledge that, things can go back to normal.

So do not engage with her at all. She does not have your DD's interests at heart and has made it plain she will trample over DD and you if it suits her purposes to do so. Ignore (but keep) everything she sends you and tell the school (and the police too at a later date if this ever has to go further).

I hope it is resolved though now that the school are finally on top of it.

Sif1 Tue 22-Mar-16 17:11:33

The school already have the online evidence.
They don't have the texts or email though because they've only just happened, whereas the online stuff was before the suspension (I suspect it was a big part of the reason for the suspension).

whatevva Tue 22-Mar-16 17:13:05

I had a 'friend' who used to lean on me to sort things out, out of school.

In this case, it was because the school did not take her seriously.

She still tried to do it in High School (this lead to us parting ways). The school did not like it as it covered up what was happening from their end. The DD had problems that the school could not help with if they did not know what was going on properly. There was also some low level bullying by the DD that the school needed to deal with.

It is hard for them to do anything if they do not have a full picture because the parent is hiding or minimising things.

So you are not unreasonable, on many levels.

Bullying you into accepting an apology is wrong, and does not help anything.

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