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AIBU?

To be sad I will never be pregnant again?

31 replies

KittyandTeal · 22/03/2016 15:42

I'm 2 weeks after my second loss. Dd2 at 22 weeks, ds at 14 weeks.

I am lucky I have dd1 who is 3.5yo.

There is no physical reason for me to not try again apart from the fact that I am now high risk for trisomies (from dd2) and possibly high risk for unexplained late loss (there seems to be no explaination for ds death, that may change after test results but it's unlikely)

I'm done. I cannot go through this again. I put everything into this pregnancy, tried so hard to engage and reduce my anxiety, did everything right. It was so positive then suddenly he was gone.

I desperately want to give dd1 a live sibling. I desperately want another. The risk is too high. I can't put myself, dh or dd1 through the stress of ttc, pregnancy after loss to possibly end up in this situation. I don't want to keep explaining this to people who flippantly say 'never say never' or 'don't decide now'.

It might not happen, people told me it wouldn't happen a second time.

I'm just so sad. I'm grieving for ds, for the family I won't have and for all those happy pregnancy and baby moments (and I hate being pregnant!). I wish I'd known dd1s firsts would also be lasts. I wish I'd appreciated my normal pregnancy with her and her baby years.

I feel this sadness right down to my core.

Sorry that was long. I think I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:

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ollieplimsoles · 22/03/2016 15:46

I don't have any practical advice op but so sorry for your losses.

I don't know much about late loss in pregnancy, do they have any answers at all as to why this has happened twice after you had a healthy dd?

Yanbu to want to give up, but please chase them for some answers!

228agreenend · 22/03/2016 15:47

Sorry for your loss .

Take time to,look after yourself and you family. Grieving is a natural reaction to what you have been through. Wishing you all the best.

Pyjamaramadrama · 22/03/2016 15:48

I'm so sorry for your losses. Yanbu to feel this way and I'm sure that everything you're feeling is entirely normal.

Right now just concentrate on looking after yourself. You're grieving, take each day as it comes.

Lweji · 22/03/2016 15:48

Big hug.

It's perfectly understandable why you are feeling like this. It's been two weeks and you are still mourning your baby. I'd concentrate on going through the grieving process and leave decisions about having other babies for later.

I think I'd concentrate on DD, at least for now. There are still plenty of firsts to come with her and plenty of joy too. (mother of single DS here)

Bejeena · 22/03/2016 15:51

Oh of course you will feel sad, only natural. I won't say never say never because I have said the same thing to myself, having been through loss and a subsequent pregnancy the worry never goes.

Give your daughter a cuddle, smell her hair, enjoy her and hopefully it will relieve some sadness as you have to be a happy mummy to her.

I hope time heals this and you enjoy every second of your daughter growing up, she is still so little.

Pinkheart5915 · 22/03/2016 15:52

So sorry to hear your story, you really have had a tough time with losing 2 of your babies.
I had a still birth many years ago, so I know the pain of losing your baby and then all the grieve and pain that comes after.
I understand why you feel you can't go through that again.

ChristmasZombie · 22/03/2016 15:55

I am so very sorry for your losses. A terribly sad thing has happened to you, twice, and whatever you are feeling is completely, entirely, undoubtedly reasonable.

Brummiegirl15 · 22/03/2016 15:57

Kitty I remember you losing your DD. I am so so sorry it has happened again. I lost 3 babies so can completely identify.

YANBU at all I know that fear of trying again. Big big hugs

cosmickitten · 22/03/2016 15:59

Kitty I'm so so sorry for your losses. People can say such hurtful things when they don't know what to say.

I found the misscarriage board (here on mumsnet) and misscarriage association both invaluable as safe places to talk.

People tend to want to say something to make it better. But really right now you need people to listen x

KittyandTeal · 22/03/2016 16:02

Thank you all.

Sorry, I'm not actually entirely sure what my point is except to get it all out.

I know I'm doing it all 'right'. I'm grieving in a much healthier way than I did with dd2. I have emotional support in place.

I know I won't change my mind. As much as I want another I won't put myself through this gain, there is a high chance it will break me.

Ollie I lost dd2 at 22 weeks after a tfmr for T18. There is no explaination for ds. We had a negative harmony screen, mini anomoly scan at 13 weeks showed a perfectly healthy baby. He died the next day.

I need to ok myself with it just being the three of us. I know I can't do that right now, I know it will take a long time. I guess it all just feels a bit much right now.

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KittyandTeal · 22/03/2016 16:03

Thank you cosmic. I have used the pregnancy loss board and the antenatal test boards lots. They are both brilliant.

I'm also in touch with sands.

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FayKorgasm · 22/03/2016 16:10

I am so so very sorry for your losses.

Scattymere · 22/03/2016 16:20

I am so so so sorry for you and your losses. Just awful. Focus on the now and the YOU, do whatever you need to try and heal, Deal with the "what next" (as you may well change your mind...) much later. If you can take or book a holiday somewhere sunny, if even in months to come, just so you have this to look forwards too x

Scattymere · 22/03/2016 16:22

Sorry OP, only just saw your later post. re not changing your mind.
If its the pregnancy itself that is understandably such a horrific, scary, risky prospect and ordeal- but you would like a sibling for DD, would you ever consider adoption? Sorry to come out with this cliché, but maybe something to consider?

BirthdayBetty · 22/03/2016 16:23

I'm very sorry for your losses

JoMalones · 22/03/2016 16:30

Kitty YANBU at all! We've said if this one doesn't work out, we would do the same.

I feel heartbroken for you. It must all still be so raw for you. I'm glad you're getting support and help where you can.

So no, YANBU and massive unmumsnetty hugs to you

KittyandTeal · 22/03/2016 16:36

Scatty dh and I talked about it after dd2 but I think adoption needs to be something you want to do in itself rather than as an alternative to a pregnancy iyswim.

It takes a very special person to adopt, I'm not sure that's me. I'm not ruling it out and tbh if this feeling doesn't go away I may well look into it in more detail. I'm not sure we'd even be eligible tbh after trying for our own and loosing babies.

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Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2016 16:38

I am so sorry Kitty

GreatFuckability · 22/03/2016 17:02

i'm so sorry for your loss. its understandable that you are sad and grieving. take time to just let yourself feel however you feel x

positivity123 · 22/03/2016 17:06

Really sorry for your loss. I wish you every strength as you go through this horrible time and YANBU x

KittyandTeal · 22/03/2016 17:09

Thank you all.
I guess what I actually want is someone to take it all away and make it better (that feeling fits icily alongside my teenage 'it's so unfair' foot stamping)

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scarednoob · 22/03/2016 17:13

Kitty I've seen some of your heartbreaking posts about your DD2. that loss has happened to you again is so horribly sad and unfair

crumblybiscuits · 22/03/2016 17:17

My heart is breaking for you Kitty, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I also said to DP if I had lost another baby after losing DD2 to 22q deletion that we wouldn't try again. I think we know our limits and you have to grieve that. I hope you find your peace soon x

KittyandTeal · 22/03/2016 18:14

Thank you.

Crumbly I'm sorry for your loss, I think we may have been on some threads together! It's good to have someone that understands, knowing your limits is a much better way of putting it.

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honeylulu · 22/03/2016 18:48

I'm so sorry kitty. I had my first baby with no problems. My second son was a late loss (also with some chromosome problems) and after that multiple miscarriages over several years. I can really relate to what you say about wishing you'd appreciated your first baby's moments more. I also felt terribly guilty that I seemed to spend my son's early years obsessing over trying to conceive or mourning yet another loss.
I was broken. My marriage was broken. I felt like i was ruining my son's life. Everything seemed pointless. Myheart goes out to you.
I did eventually have another baby (now toddler) after eventually being diagnosed with and treated for an over active immune system. I would love more children but even the thought of the emotional roller coaster involved means no chance.
Sorry to blather on about myself. I just wanted you to know that I understand how utterly wretched it is.

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