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To take this to the Head again?

(29 Posts)
Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 13:42:09

My dd is yr 5. There have been some issues over the last year or so with another girl. It was particularly acute last year for about 6 weeks with excluding behaviour from this other girl, whispering, pointing, laughing etc. This girl is fairly new to the school. My dd became extremely upset for the first time in her school life. I took this to the head on a couple of occasions and he tackled it by talking the girl in question. Things seemed to settle down for a bit but regularly since then, issues have arisen, although they do then settle for a short time.

The behaviour in question is low level, manipulative stuff- ie leaving my dd out, refusing to allow her to join groups, getting up if my dd tries to sit down next to her, causing issues between well established friends and generally shit stirring. Over the last year, 3 other parents of girls in dd's class have been to the head with concerns about her manipulative and excluding behaviour. To set the context, there are less than 10 girls in my dd's class, so it's half of parents (that I know of). I feel that this child is creating a dysfunctional environment for the girls in the class. The head teacher despite the complaints has never involved the girl's parents but has had occasional talks with the class and individuals about respect, friendship etc. AIBU to expect this to be tackled in a different way? AIBU to raise my concerns again about this girl and the effect she is having on class dynamics/ the happiness of the girls or do I have to expect my dd to toughen up?

PotteringAlong Tue 22-Mar-16 13:46:45

What else would you like him to do? Not in a goady having a go way but a genuine question way. What's your end goal?

GeoffreysGoat Tue 22-Mar-16 13:51:24

Why are you putting all the blame on this one girl? What strategies have you taught your daughter about managing this kind of behaviour?

NothingButAHoundDog Tue 22-Mar-16 13:54:38

No YANBU. Its not just your daughter who is being affected by this girl's behaviour, and it sounds as if the Head is being weak and not wanting to tackle it head on. I think you need to kick up a bit more of a fuss, emphasise how upset your DD is, how it is affecting her school work, point out that you know there are other girls who have been upset too.
The thing is, low level manipulaitve stuff has a drip drip effect and little things, when they are constant, add up to a bigger thing. The girl in question needs careful monitoring and clear consequences for her acrions, and the parents need to be informed.
On another tack, my DS is in Yr 7 and has experienced similar behaviour from a handful of boys. We have brought it to the teachers attention, which has helped a little, but we have also encouraged him to be more assertive. We have started taking him to self defense classes which has helped him hugely, in terms of general confidence and ability to stick up for himself.

Justanothermanicfriday Tue 22-Mar-16 13:57:39

To set the context, there are less than 10 girls in my dd's class, so it's half of parents (that I know of). I feel that this child is creating a dysfunctional environment for the girls in the class.

So you are all getting together and talking about the child?


Wolfiefan Tue 22-Mar-16 13:59:55

Why go to the Head and not the class teacher? Unless you have specific incidents to report how about getting your child to tell the teacher at the time these things occur?

BertPuttocks Tue 22-Mar-16 14:03:40

Do you really all go straight to the Head with this kind of thing? confused

Is it a very small school? At ours you would be expected to speak to the class teacher first, then the head of year/Keystage, and then the Deputy Head before getting anywhere near to an appointment with the Head.

Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 14:11:28

PotteringAlong My end goal is for this child's behaviour to be better managed. I am under no illusion that life as a yr 5 girl can be perfect all the time but I think the patterns of behaviour are over and above the normal girl stuff. I think it would be useful to get the parents of the girl involved as they are completely unaware. But that is not my decision obviously.
geoffrey I understand these things are rarely black and white. However, over the past 6 months I have had 3 different parents express their concerns to me individually (these people are not my friends as such so it has not been a case of a group of us stirring up trouble) I have also asked the headteacher whether he or anyone else has raised concerns about my dd's behaviour as I know we don't always get the full story with our children. There are no concerns. We have talked at length with my dd about her responsibilities, assertiveness, walking away,etc and tried to look at it as a life lesson for her. However the issues and her unhappiness persist.

Nothing Thanks. I think some more work on assertiveness would not be a bad thing.

RockUnit Tue 22-Mar-16 14:15:29

Yes I think it would be reasonable to speak to the school again. As others have said, talking to the class teacher would usually be first.

Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 14:19:15

Yes it's a small school. The class teacher is aware and of course I went to them first. They directed me to the head.

just you are reading more into this than is true.

Justanothermanicfriday Tue 22-Mar-16 14:26:05

just you are reading more into this than is true

How unless you had talked about it how woukd you know others had been to the Head let alone how many.

Shutthatdoor Tue 22-Mar-16 14:27:30

I think it would be useful to get the parents of the girl involved as they are completely unaware.

How do you know they are completely unaware or not involved????

Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 14:29:04

just I'm looking for some opinions on my question, not for a bunfight, which you obviously are.

BertPuttocks Tue 22-Mar-16 14:33:52

The thing is, this girl wouldn't be able to do a lot of these things if there weren't other girls joining in.

When other girls have said "Let's not let X play with us today" rubbish to my Yr 5 dd and her friends, they are given pretty short shrift. If anything it makes them more likely to invite X to join them.

Maybe there needs to be more done in class time about social skills and anti-bullying. It might give the other girls enough confidence to stand up to being told to exclude other children. I don't think a one-off talk is enough.

RockUnit Tue 22-Mar-16 14:34:15

I think you'd be justified in contacting them as many times as you need to until it's resolved.

Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 14:38:16

bert that's a really good point about group exclusion etc. I agree more needs to be done re social skills etc thanks.

Justanothermanicfriday Tue 22-Mar-16 14:38:27

just I'm looking for some opinions on my question, not for a bunfight, which you obviously are.

No I'm not actually.

You are an open forum and I asked a question.

Nottodaythankyouorever Tue 22-Mar-16 14:42:07

Take it to the Head again if you think it will help, but how do you know the parents aren't aware or involved with the school already?

Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 14:43:54

just let's agree to disagree on that one.

lem73 Tue 22-Mar-16 14:48:15

There's a girl in dd's year who was said to behave in a similar way. I heard a few parents went in to complain about her. As a result she was moved in to dd's class. I was worried about it after everything I heard. She has turned out to be a lovely polite girl. She, dd and two others are a very happy group of friends. It makes a bit hmm about everything that was said about her. I think things aren't always as one sided as parents seem to think.

Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 14:48:32

You are right in that don't know for definite whether the parents are involved. I'm making assumptions based on what the head told me some time ago, and this may now have changed. Lesson for me.

maydancer Tue 22-Mar-16 14:53:25

There is on in every class at this age.Welcome to the world of preteen/teen girls' friendships

lem73 Tue 22-Mar-16 14:55:47

Does your school have a nurture assistant or a member of staff trained to help kids with social issues? We have one in the school I work and I find it very effective in helping kids with these issues. Year 5 girls can be a bit of a nightmare!

AlmaMartyr Tue 22-Mar-16 14:59:03

lem73 - Yes, I've known of a very similar situation. I'm always a bit wary about situations where all parents get together and complain about one particular child. It's very easy to get a bit carried away, and much easier to blame all behaviour on one child. As Bert says, some of the behaviour here only works because others join in.

On a side note too, if the school aren't telling the parents about these concerns (assuming that is the case) how can you be sure they’re telling you the truth when they say they have no concerns about your child?

That said, I don't like this kind of behaviour and would probably talk to a teacher too as it's not a great environment. If they've tried to sort it and it has not worked, I don't think you're being unreasonable in asking them to try something else.

Cloudhopping Tue 22-Mar-16 15:11:13

I'm normally a fairly level headed person who is aware that these issues are rarely black and white and more to do with dynamics, mix of personalities, hormones etc. I
I am not that parent who thinks my child is always right. However, the evidence so far indicates that this is more than normal girl stuff and I'm afraid it does point to some not so nice behaviour from a particular child. However, whoever is right or wrong, behaving badly or not, the situation needs to be addressed, I think. And yes, if it was identified that my dd needed to change her behaviour in some way we would take this and go with it, hence why I asked the head about my dd and her behaviour.

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