frustated mother in law and husband!

(31 Posts)
olrose Tue 22-Mar-16 13:08:02

my mother in law cant help but interfere. my children are very well behaved and are very respectful and so are my nephews, but when out on a family outing the other day, my ds told me that grandma has threatened to 'bang their heads together' and had actually grabbed the back of their heads as if to do so! ( my ds had been arguing with his cousin) this is NOT how i deal with my childrens behaviour, and neither does my husband but he will not stand up to his mother and tell her that she needs to stop interfering as this is not the first time she has done something like this, it has happened many of times in the past. My sister in law is also sick of our husbands not standing up to their mother!
aibu by getting mad at my husband?
me and my sister in law have had enough!

MTPurse Tue 22-Mar-16 13:11:29

my children are very well behaved and are very respectful and so are my nephews

They obviously weren't on that occasion confused

TeaBelle Tue 22-Mar-16 13:13:20

Where were you when this happened,? If you're that unhappy then it's your role to bring it up, irrespective of the 'perpetrator'

LagunaBubbles Tue 22-Mar-16 13:13:37

What were they arguing about, your well behaved and respectful children and nephews?

Littletabbyocelot Tue 22-Mar-16 13:17:33

I agree, your husband needs to deal with it but I also think this is one area where you can just assert your authority as a parent. My FIL threatened one of mine with a clout. I told him exactly why that wouldn't be happening.

I've never met a child that didn't misbehave at times & arguing with a cousin sounds incredibly normal.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain Tue 22-Mar-16 13:17:42

Unless she actually banged their heads together then it doesn't seem that extreme to me. Not an approach I'd take myself but I quite often hear people say (in a rather lighthearted way most of the time) "Oh, I could just bang your heads together!)

Is this the most extreme example of her interfering?

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain Tue 22-Mar-16 13:17:50

Unless she actually banged their heads together then it doesn't seem that extreme to me. Not an approach I'd take myself but I quite often hear people say (in a rather lighthearted way most of the time) "Oh, I could just bang your heads together!)

Is this the most extreme example of her interfering?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Tue 22-Mar-16 13:19:44

yes, what were these children paragons of virtue arguing about??

and your own child said there was a threat of action and THEN action, so presumably she at least warned them and they still continued?

not seeming quite so well behaved and respectful now really, are they?

MTPurse Tue 22-Mar-16 13:20:38

Where were You, Your SIl and Husbands when this happened?

curren Tue 22-Mar-16 13:28:40

Honestly, while I wouldn't say that to my kids. It's one of those things people say with no intention of doing it. If you have an issue, you say something.

Your kids are normal. Usually good, sometimes not.

Why do people feel the need to point out how week behaved their kids are? Especially when the thread is an example of them not being.

ProfessorPickles Tue 22-Mar-16 13:33:23

I think that the children are normally well behaved is relevant as they aren't always playing up and wearing down people's patience, which can result in adults coming out with things they wouldn't normally say.

Everyone's getting a little pissy about the OP describing their children and nephews as well behaved, I don't see the issue.

JustABigBearAlan Tue 22-Mar-16 13:36:26

I thought 'bang your heads together' was just an expression? I'm sure my grandma used to sat it to me and my brother when we were arguing. She never did of course, she was lovely!

BertrandRussell Tue 22-Mar-16 13:40:33

It's just an expression! I've used it loads- and about grown ups too.

Unless there's more, you're over reacting.

olrose Tue 22-Mar-16 14:05:37

they were simply arguing about who was going to eat which sweets! they werent being naughty, misbehaving or being disrespectful at all. it was a calm little argument they were having between themselves that didnt need any reaction for MIL. my husband actually heard his mother say it and when i brought it up with him when we got home he actually told me it was in a very aggressive manor and that she did actually grab the boys by the back of the head!
my husband and his brother have always said she was extremely strict with them and did actually on a number of occasions literally bang their heads together.
so i honestly do not think she would hesitate to use the same methods on her grandchildren.
me and my SIL where at the toilets when the incident took place as we both have young daughters who needed changing.
no it isnt the worst interference, their have been plenty of others, shes constantly criticizing the way i feed my children, as i always get them to try new foods and eat whats on there plate. when my ds was 3 we introduced a naughty corner as he was starting to try and push his look to see what he could get away with, thankfully he stopped pretty quick! but her answer was that i needed to smack him! on another occasion my son had asked me if he could have some fruit at about half 3 in the afternoon - we dont eat tea until 6, so i said yes, but to her this made me a bad mother for letting him snack, i was in the lounge and heard my son start crying in the kitchen, she had snatched the fruit off him then smacked him on the bottom! the fact it had made him cry means it must have hurt my poor son.
i was furious and asked her to leave straight away.
even after this my husband who had been at work, still didnt stand up to his mother. so now i refuse to leave my children alone with her.

NNalreadyinuse Tue 22-Mar-16 14:09:28

I would not be letting her anywhere near my after the incident with the fruit snd I would be very open in telling her why. If your h is a pathetic winp who won't defend his kids, then you have to step in and ensure that at least one of their parents does!

NNalreadyinuse Tue 22-Mar-16 14:11:08

Posted too soon. She is undermining your parenting and behaving in a way that would be called assault if you did it to another adult. Why do you still see her at all?

Penfold007 Tue 22-Mar-16 14:18:48

So whilst on an outing with their grandmother your son and his cousin were misbehaving. Their grandmother told them off and your unhappy. Might be better if you cared for your own child.

dontpokethebear Tue 22-Mar-16 14:23:15

Have you read the thread penfold?!

MTPurse Tue 22-Mar-16 14:24:55

Thats one hell of a drip feed op!

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain Tue 22-Mar-16 14:51:28

Well that's obviously different; she has physically punished your child and critised you on numerous occasions so YANBU.
The bang your heads together thing on its own is very minor, as it generally is just a turn of phrase - the rest is different.

BertrandRussell Tue 22-Mar-16 14:52:38

Oh, ffs.

I hate it when people don't get the response they want so make stuff up.

LagunaBubbles Tue 22-Mar-16 15:36:13

my husband actually heard his mother say it and when i brought it up with him when we got home he actually told me it was in a very aggressive manor and that she did actually grab the boys by the back of the head

Well take issue with your DH then for not saying anything or dealing with it at the time, why didnt he?

ollieplimsoles Tue 22-Mar-16 15:42:29

Sigh...

You have a dh problem not a mil problem.

If what you are saying is true and she smacked your child, I would cut contact then and there, tell dh why. Then let him sort it out.

Simples

curren Tue 22-Mar-16 16:19:40

Was thinking exactly the same as bert

HesterBlue Tue 22-Mar-16 17:23:11

It's not always just an expression, my DM used to actually do it to me and my brother. Trust me, it hurts like hell, and I consider it a form of child abuse.

If she's done it to your DH as a child, and smacked your child before now, I wouldn't leave any child of yours unattended with her just in case. Trouble is, you haven't - your DH was with her on this occasion. But she said it and grabbed the children anyway, so she clearly thinks its OK to 'discipline' your children in front of DH. You need to tell your DH her behaviour is not right, which may be hard for him to hear as it means his own childhood was not at all right either. You need to both tell her together that you do not physically punish your children in this way, and she's not allowed to either or else you'll cut contact. Perhaps you can get SiL to do the same with her DH, so MiL hears the same from both couples?

Be firm - these memories last a lifetime.

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