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to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

(337 Posts)
ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 22-Mar-16 11:08:35

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

UmbongoUnchained Tue 22-Mar-16 11:10:44

Hmm I don't know I think if someone lost my daughters coat while in there care I'd expect them to buy a new one to replace it.
And of course I wouldn't expect a second hand charity shop one!

usual Tue 22-Mar-16 11:10:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cutecat78 Tue 22-Mar-16 11:12:31

How old is DSS? Is he old enough to be responsible for his own coat?

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 22-Mar-16 11:14:39

Not super expensive but she only buys brand name brand new items. You can get some great, branded buys really cheap in charity shops, I buy a lot from them!

Umbongo would you expect a replacement one if you had already bought another one to replace it? Who needs 3 coats!

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Tue 22-Mar-16 11:15:26

I'd just say one will be bought to be kept at yours when there so if it happens again you don't need to bother her about it and can deal it it yourself and leave it at that.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 22-Mar-16 11:16:01

He is 7 so, yes I would say he is old enough to be responsible for his own things but each parent's view on that may differ.

DirtyHarrietOnABike Tue 22-Mar-16 11:16:26

No, she is not grabby. Kids do need more than one coat. My nursery aged child has about 4 coats and they are never enough. They do get stained/wet/lost and need a wash much more regularly than grown-up coats. I think you are being mean by suggesting a second hand coat. Your partner should buy the coat himself without moaning and next time be more careful with his child's possessions. And why would you want to keep the coat at your place? It belongs to the child and they should be able to wear it, you know... before it becomes too small for them. (which children's clothes do very very quickly).

I presume you have no kids of your own.

WorraLiberty Tue 22-Mar-16 11:17:39

What did she say when your DP asked her why she needs 3 coats, all to be kept at her house?

Are some of them Spring/Summer coats?

Chlobee87 Tue 22-Mar-16 11:17:41

Sounds like she's being a bit of an awkward moo. I'd just offer to reimburse her for the replacement coat she's already bought and says that's it, final offer. It's silly to buy him a third coat when he's presumably a growing lad and might not be in them all that long anyway. That way, you are fulfilling your obligations and she has been able to choose the exact coat she wants, but you're not throwing money down the drain just to please her.

Cutecat78 Tue 22-Mar-16 11:18:03

Ok maybe a bit young to be replacing it himself grin

If a coat was lost while DSC were with us I would expect to replace it TBF - but they both have coats at ours and my DC always had coats at their dads.

UmbongoUnchained Tue 22-Mar-16 11:18:39

3 coats is a good number for a 7 year old I think. Yes you lost it and you should replace it. I'm surprised you didn't offer in the first place tbh, that would've been the polite thing to do.
And some people wouldn't put their children in charity shop stuff.

whatdoIget Tue 22-Mar-16 11:20:40

Whether he needs 2 coats or not, you lost the coat while he was with you, so you should pay for it (I mean you as in your household, not you personally) most people would offer to replace it or pay for a new one anyway I think? I know I would if it was me.

DirtyHarrietOnABike Tue 22-Mar-16 11:24:01

Probably the third coat is not a replacement for the lost one, but an extra coat she thought was needed, as 2 is definitely not enough.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 22-Mar-16 11:24:08

You presume wrong! I actually I have 2 dc's one of whom has SN and they know that they need to look after their things and if they are careless I won't immediately rush out to buy a brand new replacement. DSS would be able to wear the coat EOW when he comes for contact if it was kept here so would definitely be able to wear it before it became too small. Second hand stuff is fine and can be very good quality. Did you mean to be so rude?

I'm not saying he needs only 1 but its all the conditions that come with it!

memyselfandaye Tue 22-Mar-16 11:26:42

No she is not being grabby, if one of my son's coats went missing while he was at his Dad's I would expect it to be replaced and not from a charity shop, if it was replaced by a 2nd hand charity shop coat it would be donated back to them.

My kid has a lot of coats and jackets, my money, my choice to buy them.

So what if the Mum buys brand new branded clothes? You don't seem to like her much, which doesn't matter in this case, you are wrong she is right.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 22-Mar-16 11:26:52

No, Worra they are all basically identical winter coats.

Dp did offer to give her the money for the new one, she bought it the day after he lost it so we hardly had any time to offer to buy a new one.

UmbongoUnchained Tue 22-Mar-16 11:28:04

I'm not being rude. It's just if his coat was bought new you can't expect to replace it with a second hand one. And it's fine to not to like second hand stuff.

DirtyHarrietOnABike Tue 22-Mar-16 11:29:54

Yes, I meant to be so rude. Just as you are very very rude to your partner's ex. Not all people are happy to have charity clothes for their kids and not all people are happy to keep their children without coats. So pay up and shut up and let him deal with the situations regarding his son from now on. His wife has higher standards than you - tough but none of your business. And it is extremely rude to try and keep the replacement coat you will buy at your place. I am sure she needs three coats in order to rotate them. It is not unsural to have 2 coats in the wash at the same time. What will your child wear then? Stay cold or go dirty? I know mine will not go dirty or cold. It's called common sense. Yours is an extremely petty jealousy and stinginess.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 22-Mar-16 11:30:50

I don't understand what the big deal is with charity shop stuff, I have bought some extremely good quality, branded clothes, coats, shoes etc in charity shops - some are even new with the labels on! Some of us don't have the money for expensive brand name stuff and its quite a snobby attitude to say that charity shop stuff isn't good enough IMHO.

She is not well off either, she is heavily in debt to credit and store cards so can't really afford to buy the brand name stuff.

Cutecat78 Tue 22-Mar-16 11:30:51

If I sent my child somewhere with an expensive labelled coat and it was lost and replaced by one from a charity shop I would not be best pleased. While it might be a bit of a waste of money to spend large amounts of money of labelled clothes for growing kids it is actually up to her.

RidersOnTheStorm Tue 22-Mar-16 11:31:12

Buy him one and keep it at yours to wear when he's with you. If she asks for it tell her to whistle.

DirtyHarrietOnABike Tue 22-Mar-16 11:31:27

Why would she spend her free time buying a coat she already bought once? Let your partner waste his time for his mistake. Simple as.

Cutecat78 Tue 22-Mar-16 11:32:04

But her finances are nothing to do with you.

mommy2ash Tue 22-Mar-16 11:32:49

His dad should have bought a new one once the old one was lost. My dd has at least five costs I don't think three is excessive

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