AIBU/PFB about this girl at DDs nursery?

[BettyBi0]

AIBU/PFB about this girl at DDs nursery?

So DD1 is 2+2 months. In January she moved up to the big room at nursery (2-5 year olds) and recently she's been displaying some behaviours that I'm a bit worried about. I'm not sure if I'm being really PFB or if this is a problem I should be raising with the nursery.

There are a couple of older girls who have taken her under their wing and really like "looking after" her all day. They rush over to greet her in the morning and fight over who gets to hold her hands etc then drag her off into whatever role play game they are playing. They kind of treat her like a dolly. She does look young for her age as she is still very baldy and although she is usually quite shy she is very verbal at home.

She has started saying some horrible things at home in a really angry voice when she is role playing with her soft toys like "still still! You are not listening! I've told you once, I told you twice! Stop talking! Come here right now!" And then she viciously drags the toys around and throws them or sits on top of them and says "now shut up!" Or "I'm not listening to you anymore" It's all said in a proper angry shouty voice and it's so sad to hear. It's the polar opposite of the gentle parenting we've practised from the start. Although we've definitely had some tantrums from over usual toddler things, they are totally different from this kind of thing and we've never used any of that kind of language with her.

Yesterday in the park we bumped into one of these girls who came running over to say hi to DD. Then she went off to play with her same age friend (?3-4 year old) in the sandpit and I heard her bossing the other girl around something chronic. She was using exactly the same horrible phrases and tone and physically pushing and dragging the other girl around. Both their mums just carried on sipping their coffees and chatting oblivious to it all. I didn't intervene as my DD was in the middle of climbing up a rope climbing frame/slide thing about 10 meters away and I couldn't abandon her at the top. It was like a penny dropping and I realised "aha that's where she is getting it from!"

Should I be raising this with the nursery? I'm really worried about my DD repeating these behaviours. The only place she could have learned them was from these girls as there is no way the nursery staff speak like that - I hope! I was mortified when DD showcased the whole viscious repertoire the other day when we had some friends over for a play date. Including telling one little friend "I'll smash your face!" While trying to snatch a toy off her. I get that the snatching/sharing struggles are par for the course with toddler development but my friends were looking at me horrified by the kinds of things she was saying. It was like a mini exorcist I kid you not. She is usually such a kind, gentle girl and even when she is loosing her sh*t over getting in the buggy for example, she is always using her normal voice and can be talked around.

AIBU in thinking I can somehow sort this out by getting the nursery to intervene somehow and keep DD away from this other girl? Or should I just accept that this is just the beginning of the whole social jungle that I can't protect her from? My general line so far is trying to explain to her that the angry voice and cross words are not a good choice, getting her to recognise that her unkind actions have made someone else feel sad, say sorry etc.

AIBU? PFB? What can I do?

[cbigs]

Hi op,
I would probably say something to nursery and ask them to keep an eye on things. I'd tell them what you've said here and see how it goes. But I totally understand why you are concerned and want to intervene in some way.
I hear my dd saying things to her toys that have clearly come from school so it makes sense. (I don't think its pfb by the way either)

[a1992]

I work with 3-5yr olds. I would be more than a little concerned if some of them were speaking like that. Please talk to your dd's key teacher and tell her what you have heard your daughter say, I'm well aware that some children choose to talk in someways when we are not around to over hear them, and this certainly sounds like one of those.

[Paddingtonthebear]

Yeah I would have a chat with the nursery manager. Our nursery has two groups 1-3yrs and 3-5yrs. I think there's quite a big difference between two year olds and three year olds in terms of behaviour, character etc. 2.2 seems quite young to be in with the older kids.

[Tinofsardines]

I don't think your pfb.

I'd definitely try and nip the friendship with the older girls in the bum. They are all only very small children but I think a 2-5 year setting in nursery if quite an age range. I'd expect the younger ones to be encouraged to play together, rather than being the play thing if an older child.

I'd keep doing what your doing at home regarding telling her how to manage when she's playing with others thought and just reinforce all the positive behaviors.

I'm actually surprised nursery haven't picked up on how this older girl talks whilst playing. I'd have expected them to encourage her to tone it down a little too, although that doesn't really seem to be the case if your daughter has started copying.

[ijustwannadance]

I would speak to nursery too. Ask them to keep an eye. The other child must be picking it up from somewhere.

I found my DD's behaviour changed regularly through nursery due to copied behaviour. Tantrums, talking like a baby, spitting.

[CoraPirbright]

I don't think you are being U or pfb. I would def tell the nursery everything you have said here in your op and ask them to divert this girl away from your dd. Its not unusual for little girls to go through a 'bossy little madam' stage but I do find your ref to "I'll smash your face" a little alarming. This girl probably has older siblings which is where she is picking this up and is probably used to being bossed around herself at home so is acting in this way at nursery.

[ohtheholidays]

Speak to the Nursery OP and tell them what you witnessed at the Park so they know you've actually seen this happening.

I used to teach and sometimes you would find the very dominent children would be over the top and sometimes aggressive in the Nurserys with the much smaller/quieter children we always put a stop to it straight away but it sounds like her nursery hasn't noticed it yet so bring it to they're attention.

[Princessdebthe1st]

Dear OP,
I would definitely speak to the nursery manager about this for two reasons. Firstly, the negative impact that it is having on your DD. Secondly and for me slightly more important, concern about the other child. Some of the language and behaviours that you describe are worrying. It is never ok for a nursery age child to hear someone say "I'll smash your face!" and she must have heard it in order to repeat it. The nursery may want to make sure all is ok at home.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

I wouldn't want my child in a nursery that has 2-5 year olds together. Ours has separate rooms for every age. Yes I would be taking to them.

[NoSquirrels]

I thought most nurseries did 1-3/3-5 i.e. preschool room. We used one that was 2-5, but they differentiated the groups within the room, ifswim, so activities etc. were more tailored to age-range and social maturity.

I would definitely be having a word with nursery.

[Smeldra]

Not at all U or PFB. I would talk to & express your concerns to the nursery. I would certainly be expecting them to discourage those sorts of phrases.

It's so hard when you work hard at home to watch language/TV content etc etc. We've had a couple of incidents recently like this (9 year old, who has then come and repeated things in front of her younger siblings entirely naively but made me & DH ).

[VeryPunny]

I'd definitely have a word - this would not be tolerated at our nursery. I'd also be concerned by that wide an age range in one room - we have four rooms, one of which is a dedicated preschool room.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I agree with the rest - talk to the nursery. I especially don't like the physical threats that your DD is coming out with - "I'll sit on you", "I'll smash your face" - really quite worrying!
Definitely a concern. Although be prepared for them to be unable to discuss anything about the other children you consider to be involved.

[MrsJayy]

What everybody else said its not unusual for little children to be a bit bossy sometimes however this is affecting your Dd and the words are worrying speak to the nursery

[slithytove]

Wow we are lucky with our nursery, it has 5 rooms!

Newborn to confidently walking, so about 16mo
16mo - 26mo
26mo - 34 mo
34mo - 42mo
Then the preschool room

Crucially, they don't move the children until they are physically and to some extent developmentally ready to handle it.

Sorry to use months.

[slithytove]

And no, not pfb. This would concern me.

[Damselindestress]

Wow! Children being bossy is a pretty standard stage but it's really worrying that a little girl said "I'll smash your face". She has probably heard that at home I would definitely mention it to the nursery staff out of concern for her wellbeing as well as her influence on your DD. Also the nursery should be supervising more carefully and perhaps separating age groups, not letting the older children push the younger ones around.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Sounds like little girl us probably role playing what she sees and hears at home, from order siblings, parents or family members. I would have a word with tge nursery manager about it.

[MrsJorahMormont]

2-5 is far too broad an age range. I'm surprised it's allowed, I've only ever see 3-5 rooms. Definitely speak to the staff and ask that your DD be kept away from the older children to some extent but also report concerns about the other child. Someone is speaking really inappropriately to this child.

[chaosagain]

We used a nursery with a 2-5 room and loved it. Older ones were sat with younger ones for meals and taught to consider others, help them out to seconds etc. Ours got a lot out of the mixing of ages (some things were in age group like stories and naps).
BUT it only works if it's carefully managed and staff ensure interaction is respectful and appropriate. What you're describing isn't ok and I'd be asking to speak to the key worker or manager about how the older girls play with your DD as well as how you've seen them behave. Not PFB at all!

[MummaB123]

I would definitely speak to them! As others have said, that is a very big age range, and I don't think it is appropriate for those ages to all be lumped in together. Besides that, it is not fair on your DD to be smothered by two older girls and bossed around every day. I'm surprised this hasn't been picked up on by the nursery, but I would want my 2 year old to be a 2 year old, and play with children her own age.

[Letustryagain]

Not much to add OP as PPs have said that they wouldn't accept this language from their children so definitely not being PFB, take it up with the nursery. But as an aside, we wouldn't accept it from our school age children either, they would be picked up on that very quickly in KS1 in our school.

You are definitely NBU. Concerned that the nursery haven't already picked up on this...

[Dovinia]

Fewer rooms/changes of key person are generally better for children, and I certainly would steer clear of a nursery that had 5 rooms. However, it takes care to meet the needs of a range of ages.

I would definitely bring it up with the nursery. Even in a 2-5 room your DD has to be in a 1:4 adult:child ratio so there should be sufficient staff to supervise.

[EnoughAlready999]

She should be in with 2 year olds not 4-5 year olds.

[Dovinia]

There won't be any 5 year olds there.