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To LTB over this?

(79 Posts)
thisisjustgreat Mon 21-Mar-16 09:04:30

DP is a SAHD. Well sort of SAHD, but I am also at home juggling running my business and looking after the children. He doesn't do all that much and struggles getting much done in the day. I have asked him if he wants to return to work many a time and he always says no. I am the sole breadwinner and have been really stressed about it, especially as we have been saving for a house deposit and running my own business comes with it's own stresses - We have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, the 6 month old so life isn't that easy.

I have been transferring money to DP every month for groceries and general spending, and the amount has not been stingy by any means - but whatever I transferred would get spent. I asked him what the money was going on several times and he said just day to day living. There was only so much I could push it as he said my questioning him made him feel small.

He always makes out he is a very stand up genuine and trustworthy guy. Well I found out this weekend (I had reason to be suspicious and made out I knew until he confessed) - he's been gambling away any 'excess' money every month, amounting to (he says) £1500 in the last 6 months, but I think it's more like £3500. He said he didn't tell me because of how I'd react which is bullshit isn't it.

One of his most redeeming qualities was I thought he was trustworthy, now he has proved that he isn't. I really don't like him much at the moment. Is it a big deal? My boundaries are blurred from past shitty relationships so I'm not sure what's OK and what isn't anymore.

thisisjustgreat Mon 21-Mar-16 09:05:43

Sorry that should say the 6 month old doesn't sleep, so I could have done without additional money worries.

Nanny0gg Mon 21-Mar-16 09:07:42

Is it a big deal?

In a nutshell, yes. Sorry, it's huge.

Stop transferring money now or they'll be none left.

FloweryTwat Mon 21-Mar-16 09:08:45

Oh you poor thing sad

Gambling is a hideous hideous thing for a person, and a couple, to try and overcome. That he is prepared to gamble away money when income is tight, isn't interested in getting a job, and lied to you continuously (while making you feel guilty for "questioning "him when you were right to do so) doesn't bode well.

Unless he is prepared to seek help for the gambling and try and get some work then I would LTB

gamerchick Mon 21-Mar-16 09:09:09

It sounds as if he needs to go back to work if you're still doing everything as well as working.

Discopanda Mon 21-Mar-16 09:09:13

Can you order shopping online instead of giving him money? No, gambling is not on, it's selfish behaviour.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Mon 21-Mar-16 09:10:01

No,gambling family money is definitely not ok. His own money fine, if that's what he wants abd can afford to, but money for food shop and children's needs?! Appalling angry

If I were you I'd sit him down and ask him why he did it,is he unhappy, stressed etc and uses this as an outlet?If so I'd still be pissed but I'd not leave him, provided he got proper help for his stress and stopped gambling.

If he was doing it just because he likes to, that's massively disrespectful to you as the family's sole earner and I wouldn't be so forgiving of that.

acasualobserver Mon 21-Mar-16 09:11:07

He refuses to work but still wants to gamble with the family money? Money that is earned entirely by you? Sod that!

expatinscotland Mon 21-Mar-16 09:11:50

He's not a SAHD, he's a very expensive pet. He's a liar, too. He gets help for gambling and he goes back to work or you're through.

AdrenalineFudge Mon 21-Mar-16 09:12:31

This isn't acceptable at all. I don't even think he realises how grave it is because he hasn't earned the money, it's as if you've been 'gifting' him money to piss away. he needs to seek help to address the gambling and look for work, is he prepared with you to do this? If he just sticks his head in the sand or gives you empty promises I'd lose the bastard.

Only1scoop Mon 21-Mar-16 09:12:57

He'd no longer hold any credibility with me.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Mar-16 09:15:02

Another cocklodger

Get rid of him. He's an expensive drain on your resources.

Replace him with a live in mother's help/ au pair and life will improve immensely.

thisisjustgreat Mon 21-Mar-16 09:17:01

I can barely look at him - I have lost respect for him. I asked him a few months if he was still playing poker as he played before we met and said he'd stopped. When all the money was getting frittered away I thought maybe he was playing again. He said no. I reminded him of this after this weekends revelations and he said well you asked me if I was playing poker, I wasn't (his bet of choice is on sports games now apparently).

He sees on a daily basis how stressed I am with work, I'm so fucking disappointed and feel numb about him now. Well I'm going between raging and numb.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Mon 21-Mar-16 09:17:17

He's not a SAHD, he's a lazy, gambling, cocklodger.

You're doing SAHD's a disservice using that term for him (which isn't good, they have a hard enough time as it is).

He'd be gone. He's an untrustworthy, lazy, gambling sloth.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Mar-16 09:17:34

' I have asked him if he wants to return to work many a time and he always says no. '

Of course he doesn't. He does nothing and has plenty of money to gamble.

You need to do the Freedom Programme, too.

FellOutOfBedTwice Mon 21-Mar-16 09:18:13

There's no need for you to transfer him general amounts and not know where it's going (although obviously, you do now!) I work two days a week and the rest of the week am at home with DD. Money isn't massively tight but nor is it freeflowing and abundant. We do grocery shopping online and each weekend while we are out I get out £30 in cash to use in the week for general expenses, the occasional lunch, soft play etc. It's more than enough for my three days at home and means I know what I've got to have fun with. That money isn't used for any other expenses (petrol etc) so I don't feel I have to account to anyone for it. A system like this for your husband would be more than fair.

thisisjustgreat Mon 21-Mar-16 09:18:48

A cocklodger - yes.. Oh god I've had one of those before. A live in mothers help would be ideal. The 2 year old would be devastated though, she's a bit of a daddies girl at the moment.

sparechange Mon 21-Mar-16 09:18:57

I'm not normally a fan of the word, but he is just yer all out classic cocklodger
He isn't running the household, or doing a proper SAHP role, he is pissing all your money up the wall and making life more difficult.

He needs to be back at work, and paying the money back to the household finances, and prioritising that above his own spending.
Is it boredom gambling or has he got an addiction? Has he gambled much before now?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Mon 21-Mar-16 09:19:36

In that case then I'd definitely be getting rid,what a selfish prick!

Pack his shit for him OP and get him out of the house to give you space to decide whether you want to separate permenantly.

flowers for you

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Mon 21-Mar-16 09:20:12

Fucking hell
No you aren't overreacting. This would be game over for me.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Mon 21-Mar-16 09:21:08

The only system that would be 'fair' for this cock lodging, lying, prick is the legal one gettng him out of the house. She doesn't need a 'system' to 'control' him, she needs to lose the twat.

Roseberrry Mon 21-Mar-16 09:21:09

The not doing much as a sahp would irritate me greatly but the gambling would push me over the edge.

ouryve Mon 21-Mar-16 09:22:09

It is a very big deal indeed. You trusted him with doing a particular job for his family and, instead, he has wasted money on gambling.

Never mind asking if he wants to go to work. He needs to. If there is any chance of rescuing your relationship, he needs to put this right.

I wouldn't blame you for ltb, though. The picture you've painted is of an immature waste of space.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Mar-16 09:22:50

It's not a 2yo's decision to make.

witsender Mon 21-Mar-16 09:22:56

Yup, he could fuck right off.

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