To feel like this doesn't look like my wedding?(69 Posts)
Dear all, thank you for listening to what is probably a case of cold feet. Let me start with a bit of info:
1. I love my DH2B dearly... this isn't a case of staying or leaving.
2. The two of us are paying for the wedding.
3. The rule sine qua none was and is that I am taking everyone's (bridal party) view in consideration, as I refuse to be a bridezilla.
It all started when I let DH2B talk me out of church wedding (I'm a practising catholic, he's a non practising protestant). Then he chose purple as theme... which was ok cos I kind of like purple, but not that much,and now EVERYTHING ended up purple. We got the wrong invitations with the right wording and I went along as to not cause fuss. I love lilies, but he wanted roses and MIL (who is otherwise amazing and this is not a rile against her) wanted freesias so I have one lily in my bouquet, few in a centrepiece and that's it. I can't recognize half the songs on the playlist, my sister keeps forgetting about the favours (she's making them as a wedding present), my hen night is a dinner with both sets of parents and my wedding gown doesn't even fit any more cos I lost 2 stone, with 6 months to go. I didn't get the choice of our first dance song and I can't make my mind up what to walk down the aisle to. DH2B has everything in spreadsheets and powerpoints and all I have is a headache and a sense of things being way out of my control. Half of my family is across the continent and don't want to come and it was a near fallout to get ready in my home on the day (strong family tradition) or use plain gold wedding bands I really wanted. I don't know what this has turned into, but it doesn't look at all like the wedding I used to dream about as a girl. I keep wondering where am I in all this? I'm afraid I'll wake up on the day with a sense of dissapointment and I would really hate that.
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Now (well, tomorrow,) while there's still time to change some things.
So your H2B has chosen the wedding venue, colour, flowers, music and is managing everything via spreadsheets and powerpoint?! Have you told him how unhappy you are with the lack of input in YOUR wedding? Is he always this controlling and unwilling to listen to you? What makes you think it will be any better when you are married?
I didn't get the flowers or the dress I wanted. I've been married 19 years and I'm still upset and disappointed.
Change it now whilst you can.
Does he always bulldoze through what you want? It's sounds pretty controlling. I wouldn't be happy with what you're describing, and whilst the wedding day is only one day, I'm concerned the way he is acting here is symptomatic of a bigger issue.
DH wanted to be very involved in our wedding, and he made some of the final decisions on some things that I wasn't too worried about - exit song, venue, his clothes. But flowers, colour scheme, dress, and play list he didn't get a choice on! Has he let you have your desires on anything?
But that's the thing, isn't it? It's not MY wedding, it's OUR wedding. And normally he's not controlling at all, but very kind and considerate. He's a planner by profession and I can really tell he's enjoying this, and that is amazing. It's just that I feel lost in translation and without my usual can do attitude. The fact our budget is allready sorted doesn't help with any changes...
It doesn't look good if your marriage is going to be like your wedding. With you having no say in it.
As there is still 6 months to go, you have time to change flowers, songs and hen night.
If you can't get enough saying in it, then I'd look at my entire relationship. What does it look like? Does he respect you enough?
It's not MY wedding, it's OUR wedding - but it's not YOUR (plural) wedding at the moment, is it? It's all about HIM. And he may be a planner and love all the organisation but that doesn't explain or excuse the fact that you have not had any input into the event - he could just have easily have planned for you to have the flowers you wanted instead of the ones that MIL wanted (!), and the colour scheme that you wanted as one that you have now been overwhelmed by. Have you actually stood up and said No to some of his ideas?
Try talking to him about it. If planning is his day job, it's easy to imagine how he could get carried away. I think his excitement is indicative of a good relationship with a small, easily resolvable problem.
"Run like the wind away from this." Get a grip vintage!
MintryBojangles - do you not see the massive hypocrisy in your post?
"It's sounds pretty controlling...I'm concerned the way he is acting here is symptomatic of a bigger issue.
DH wanted to be very involved in our wedding, and he made some of the final decisions on some things that I wasn't too worried about...But flowers, colour scheme, dress, and play list he didn't get a choice on!"
Was your behaviour symptomatic of a bigger issue?
Another talk to him vote. This needs to be about both of you and involve compromises on both sides not just yours. And certainly not about mil getting her choice of flowers over yours!
I also don't think he should have any input into your bouquet - IMHO that's part of your outfit and he shouldn't get to choose what you wear anymore than you should choose what he wears. So have the lilies you love with a couple of roses to complement the rest of the flowers rather than the other way round.
I feel sad for you. Talk to him! In a big sit down, "I'm unhappy about this" kind of way. It's not bad he's involved but it's bad you've had to really battle to get the TWO things you mention and that he's bulldozered over your ideas. That's terrible about the flowers - change them! And WTF on the hen do. Simply tell him a meal with parents will be nice but that is NOT your hen do and sort one out.
Your Mil has had her wedding, this is your turn. Explain all of this, tell him how it's making you feel and if he's lovely and decent as you say he will be full of apology and back the fuck down.
Good luck and let us know
Absolutely you need to talk about how unhappy this is making you but if he's a planner and budget is tight, I urge you to start with the emotional side so he understands how wrong it is for you to feel this but then to be specific so he can't put you off with his spreadsheets!
What are your non negotiable eg dress and your flowers and first dance, what do you really not care about - for me this is favours and table dressings but I appreciate this may not be the case for you!
Do you know exactly what you want and if it costs anything else or less?
If he is normally a good guy and just gone groomzilla for the wedding he should understand.
Stand up for yourself. It shouldn't be that hard.
Work out what you want, make some firm decisions, and make them happen.
Talk to him. Don't let him bulldoze you.
Maybe he thinks you're not that bothered about these things, if you've never said?
Oh and who gives a stuff which flowers MIL wants?! Its not her wedding!
I appreciate you're trying not to be a bridezilla, but it sounds like you've gone too far the other way.
It is not bridezilla-ish for a bride to shape the day she imagined, and work in partnership with her future husband. It's unusual for the entire wedding party to all get what THEY want - it isn't their wedding!
For your flowers, could you not have lilies in your bouquet with rose button holes for the men in the bridal party and a corsage of a rose and freesias made up for the mothers?
The table flowers can then be a rose and lily bouquet
ah bless, you have a groomzilla.
So start changing some bits
church wedding (I'm a practising catholic, he's a non practising protestant) - have a blessing done by your priest?
Purple - add another colour in like cream
invitations - only bits of paper to invite people, forget about it.
Flowers - put your foot down and have the bouquet you want, not too late.
I can't recognize half the songs on the playlist - but half you do!
my sister keeps forgetting about the favours (she's making them as a wedding present) - ask her to do them ASAP as it's making you anxious or you will sort it.
my hen night is a dinner with both sets of parents - have a second he. night you want.
wedding gown - go and see dress shop now to see about alterations.
first dance song - ask dh tb if you can choose together
walk down the aisle to - you just need to decide
use plain gold wedding bands I really wanted - you pick your wedding band and let dh to be pick his
Honestly you sound a little indecisive and don't want to take the bull by the horns.
I rarely advocate crying as it can look like emotional bribery, but I am here. I don't think he gets it.You are being trampled all over in your own wedding! How sad! Maybe he's normally really lovely and will be notified when he finds out how you feel.
I'm confused - is your wedding still 6 months away ? If so you have plenty time to change things , like the colour scheme and the invitations.
You need to find things that you BOTH like .
Do what Rosie says about the flowers . get your dress altered nearer the time .
Stop consulting your MIL.
I don't understand why you are happy to have a secular wedding if you are a practising Catholic . Does your fiancée unedsratdn what this means for you and your family and the implications ? this is much more important than the wording on the invitations
I'd have been happy with tiny close friends and family wedding. DH has huge family and we ended up with quite a large wedding, first dance etc but he didn't want to do any of the planning for it. I felt quite lost in it.
That's been a recurring theme in the marriage, put your foot down a bit now and have a more of what you want.
Good post Rubble. Don't be passive OP - speak up for the things that matter to you, compromise on the others.
I agree talk to him. He may not realise how much these things mean to you. I totally understand, it is both of your wedding and you both want input but he has got more carried away and you have wanted to please him. I see no big problem, but you do need to tell him that actually you love lillies and would like more like in your bouquet. Think of a specific song you would like to walk in to, and tell him you want that and stick to it. And absolutely go and get the dress taken in and altered in whatever way you need to make it feel like yours again (congrats on the weight loss!)
Our decisions were all made jointly. I narrowed things down to two or three that I liked and then we jointly discussed. If he hated all of them I went back to the drawing board.
Your dh2b is kind and considerate, so he will understand if you talk to him. You don't say when the wedding is but unless it's in the next couple of weeks, I'm sure there's time to fix many of the things you are worried about and have a bit more you in the day.
I'd make some changes. Can you sell the dress and get one that fits you better?
I'd change the bouquet. That's totally up to you.
When I was planning my wedding, a few of my own friends were getting married and going to other people's weddings I realised that nobody but the people organising the wedding notices/thinks about whether the brides flowers match the button holes or if the invitations are the same colour as the best mans tie. They are just enjoying the whole experience, rather than the details.
Organise another hen night doing whatever you want to do.
I personally think it is great a guy wants to be involved in the wedding however...This should be done by agreement if the two of you.
I think if you can;t talk to him about how you feel it doesn't seem like a good start... A wedding is one day how are you going to discuss things like finance, contraception, babies where you live if you can't discuss this
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