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to blame DH for the DCs poor behaviour?

(48 Posts)
JustCleo Sun 20-Mar-16 23:17:24

DH does not discipline the DC or attempt to back up anything I do. He does what they want, when they want and let's them get away with anything. The baby, for example, is a climber and he'll watch her climbing on furniture/beds/the stairs but never remove her or tell her not to. He let's her carry around dangerous things (I.e marbles and ceramic bowl) rather than removing them. He responds immediately to whinging by picking her up or passing her something (usually something she isn't allowed) but mostly Ignores any other noise or attempt at communication. If she complains about something (like not wanting to go in the pushchair) he'll let her not do whatever it is.

Our 3 yo Ignores him most of the time at best and shouts at/is rude to him at worst. He also responds to her whinging by picking her up and if she complains about something (like having to wash her hands before eating) then he doesn't make her do it. I've worked hard to get her to sit at the table and feed herself (she has issues with food) but when he's here he let's her sit on his lap and feeds her by hand hmm On days out he will carry her or put her in the pushchair (meaning I have to carry the baby) because he won't tell her to walk in case she complains. She then falls asleep or doesn't really get anything from the day out. She's nearly 4 and walks fine when he isn't here. He will ask her to do something, she'll shout no and he'll end up doing it (I. E. Picking up toys) and overall just does whatever makes his life easier in the moment rather than thinking of the future.

Every week we go through whinging and moaning all weekend; from the DC because they don't understand what's expected of them and they know whinging gets results from him and from him because he gets fed up of the whinging from them. Then on Monday I have to face an awful day of 'resetting' them into not being carried around, not screaming and shouting, using manners, eating at the table and feeding themselves, walking, not whinging, not doing dangerous things etc. By Wednesday they're happy and back to normal and DH always comments on how happy they seem and seems clueless why they're unhappy at weekends.

He picked up the baby when whinging and let the 3 yo speak to him like dirt about twenty times within half hour yesterday morning so I later said to him that he is making things harder for everyone in the long run by pandering to them and explained how Mondays are awful. He says IABU to blame him for Mondays when he isn't even here but I think it's a no-brainer and cruel to the DC to expect them to go through this process every week. AIBU?

JustCleo Sun 20-Mar-16 23:22:41

Tonight, the baby protested about going in the bath so he let her walk around naked for ten mins. She peed on the bedroom carpet, he tried putting her in the bath again and she protested so again he let her walk around naked for another ten mins, tried again and she took 30 mins for him to put her in by which time she was Hysterical. She complained about going in her car seat today so he let her get down and crawl around the front garden for 15 mins, trying every 5 mins to put her in the letting her get down when she protested and eventually putting her in so upset that she screamed all the way to the destination.

fusspot66 Sun 20-Mar-16 23:31:15

That sounds awful

MooningIntoTheAbyss Sun 20-Mar-16 23:33:10

Your first post I was genuinely reading it thinking 'I don't remember writing this'

Your second post - wow shock

My STBXH is a pain in the arse for this. It's one of the main reasons were splitting cos it causes such resentment and arguments. He undermines me at every opportunity. Anything for what he thinks is an easy life. Doesn't give a fuck that it makes it harder for me.
Dd gets so confused over who is 'in charge' when we're both home. She doesn't know how to behave cos she doesn't have consistent rules when he is here. angry

No advice as everything I tried failed and is ending in divorce. He isn't being respectful of you though. He is being a selfish arse

ailbhel Sun 20-Mar-16 23:43:31

We had a similar problem and it was down to not having any parenting techniques between "conflict avoidant" and "abusive." Because good intention genuinely existed, we were able to change the whole dynamic, but it's hard to unlearn parenting techniques you've picked up young enough that they're instinctive.

The trick is to realise that conflict avoidance (rather than conflict resolution) is very nearly as abusive as visible abuse. Clear, safe boundaries are necessary. Wobbly boundaries are scary.

minipie Sun 20-Mar-16 23:44:23

He is not being a parent. A parent's job is to teach their children life skills (which includes not getting everything you want), not just stop them from whinging.

Ask him how he thinks the DC are going to turn out in, say, 5 years' time if they get their own way all the time. Does he think they will end up nice children? If so how, by magic??

Maybe you could try a few weekends where you are in charge of all parenting and he just watches (and backs you up/implements your decisions?) Might show him your way works?

Theladyloriana Mon 21-Mar-16 00:45:17

I think you need to have a re think about your own expectations of children at the ages you are describing. I think you are being massively over the top and too harsh. Table manners? For a baby and a 3 year old? Aha parenting might be more helpful to you than the advice you're going to get on here.

Stillunexpected Mon 21-Mar-16 01:00:10

Well, he sounds very lax and you sound overly controlling so both of you are going to have to compromise.

JustCleo Mon 21-Mar-16 07:14:04

I don't see how wanting a baby to not be allowed to climb on furniture as she could injure herself and to want a three year old to listen to both parents is controlling confused

shinynewusername Mon 21-Mar-16 07:17:41

What was his own childhood like? We learn parenting by imitating our own parents.

xenapants Mon 21-Mar-16 07:22:57

God, I'm not surprised he's like this; your expectations are ridiculous! With the exception of dangerous things like letting a baby have marbles, he's not undermining you, he's trying to let them be children, something you're clearly not doing. Why are you so uptight?!

Lighteningirll Mon 21-Mar-16 07:27:26

I'm with Mooning my exdp was like this and its one of the main reasons I left him. He needs to see a good result from changing his parenting skills if you want this relationship to last, maybe parenting workshops or family therapy. You need to avoid the trap of going too far the opposite way tho so think a bit about what Stillunecpected has Saud and maybe ask dh if he thinks you are too strict perhaps you can agree on a parenting plan rather than him feeling he has to do it your way. When I look back to my first marriage it really was my way or the high way I was right all the time he was an idiot

DixieNormas Mon 21-Mar-16 07:34:57

Trying to let them be children? I don't think so, he just can't be arsed to parent them

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 21-Mar-16 07:40:36

just re-read and can see nothing controlling.

children should not walk around with dangerous stuff. climb on things they may fall off nor be left to pee on the carpet. bet he did not clear that up.

YouTheCat Mon 21-Mar-16 07:43:32

How is pandering to a child and letting them do as they please having ridiculous expectations? The fact that the kids manage to behave and get on just fine from Wednesday to Friday speaks volumes.

You can't let a child dictate when they'll sit in a car seat. What if you had to get somewhere urgently?

He's a disney dad.

catkind Mon 21-Mar-16 07:43:37

I would also suggest compromise. Agree between you what the rules actually are and enforce them.
For example isn't it good for baby to be learning to climb the stairs if he's there supervising? I wouldn't have a problem with climbing on beds either, or onto the seat of sofas, but tables and the back of sofas is banned in our house. If your 3 yr old is tired enough to fall asleep in the pushchair then she probably needs a nap. Yet you want to force baby to go in the pushchair and not walk? Again, what are your (collective) rules here? I'd be letting baby choose unless we were somewhere dangerous or in a hurry.
I think you could find a place in the middle where you have rules for safety but your children get more choices too.

reservedlaydee Mon 21-Mar-16 07:50:59

Some things you said you may have to overlook. I.e the eating and walking thing. Basically things that don't lead to her screaming hysterically. To be honest, alot of problems you have with your dc are quite normal and it doesn't necessarily mean they will turn into a spoilt brat.
Try to let dc 'mess things up' sometimes, otherwise it will put a strain on the relationship.
I can relate to some things as my dc is 4 and walks all over her dad! He used to feed her and tidy after her but she doesn't mess with me or other grown ups!

KnobJockey Mon 21-Mar-16 07:51:39

But the OP wouldn't be able to carry the baby round everyday without the DP there, not enough hands. Babies/ young toddlers can't be left to walk when there's only one parent and a 3 year old too, and they scream blue murder when they think that they will be able to get away with not being a pram- I work in a shop and see it countless times a day. So it's mixed messages.

sleeponeday Mon 21-Mar-16 08:29:35

Table manners? For a baby and a 3 year old?

She's not mentioned table manners at all. She's said eating at the table, and feeding themselves. Those are common sense and reasonable expectations, which set a child up for good eating habits. Eating around a table at mealtimes and not being hand-fed on a lap is an absolutely normal and reasonable expectation for a three year old and a toddler, and given she's talking about a climber, she's not talking 3 months, is she? TBH I despair of the low expectations people have for their kids around basic manners. I see kids of 7 and 8 who don't know how to use cutlery, have no clue they are supposed to close their mouths when full, and are never going to learn what past generations assumed was toddlerhood level manners because apparently, their parents think this is osmotically obtained information and they are "too small" to absorb it when it's going to become instinctive. And I feel so sorry for them. They are being failed, in my opinion.

OP, might he be willing to do a parenting course with you? If you frame it as both being on different pages and wanting to present a united front? Because I could not live as you are doing - it sounds hellish.

catkind Mon 21-Mar-16 08:34:41

If you must go out for a day with one adult and a 3 yr old who will need a nap, you find a way to make that possible. A sling for the baby for example, or a double buggy, or just going out for the morning, or saving days out for weekends with the whole family.

Pythonesque Mon 21-Mar-16 08:43:23

I've got a conflict-avoider on my hands too, though we're further down the line. Definitely worth seeking parenting classes or other external advice so he can start to see that it's not just "your crazy ideas" but that there is a lot of sense. In my experience men aren't good at understanding psychology ... (even when it is oh so obvious in their face what is going on ...)

sleeponeday Mon 21-Mar-16 08:45:33

If you must go out for a day with one adult and a 3 yr old who will need a nap, you find a way to make that possible. A sling for the baby for example, or a double buggy, or just going out for the morning, or saving days out for weekends with the whole family.

But the OP has clearly stated that there is no problem at all with the almost 4 yr old walking when she takes them out by herself, only at the weekends when her husband is there. So why suggest she doesn't take them out in the week, when all goes well, instead saving it for the weekend when there is a problem? confused

Arpege Mon 21-Mar-16 08:49:42

Does he have any insight into why he's might be like this?

PurpleWithRed Mon 21-Mar-16 08:52:52

HD and his XDW parented their only child like this - she was the stress avoider, he was the (over in his case)-disciplinarian. It caused huge problems for DSS, who never knew what was right and what was wrong. Your instinct is right - you MUST get this sorted for the children's sake.

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