...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

(587 Posts)
skinofthericepudding Sun 20-Mar-16 10:03:09

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

DizzyNorthernBird Sun 20-Mar-16 10:12:57

Depends on the background to their friendship. How long have they been friends for? Is this something new or have they always spent time together?

My DP has a close female friend, they've know each other for years. She lives away now but when she was local they would meet for dinner, cinema, shopping etc. He was open about it, it was fine.

Your DH is being open about it which is great, but what is your intuition telling you?

Lighteningirll Sun 20-Mar-16 10:13:50

No yadnbu days off together are quite rare and it sounds like she is his companion of choice not you I would address that pronto. Doesn't mean he's having an affair but it does mean you need to look at what's happening in your relationship.

DizzyNorthernBird Sun 20-Mar-16 10:15:07

Sorry I think I misread what you were getting at! If today is your only day for some quality time together then Yanbu, I'd be put out too.

Ihangmyknickersontheline Sun 20-Mar-16 10:16:31

No, not unreasonable to be feeling put out by this. I'd be wondering why I'd not been introduced to this great friend, I'd even expect to have been invited along on the bike ride!

Piemernator Sun 20-Mar-16 10:16:52

I have male mates but DH has met them all apart from my male mates on Xbox who I haven't actually met in real life either.

I would feel a bit weirded out I hadn't met her.

skinofthericepudding Sun 20-Mar-16 10:17:07

They have been friends for a year or so, and even though he is being open about the fact that they are meeting up, it's rattled me that he has chosen to spend a day with her and not me.

caravanista Sun 20-Mar-16 10:23:12

This doesn't sound good. Fine for an old friend who pre dates your relationship, but very odd otherwise.

bearleftmonkeyright Sun 20-Mar-16 10:26:40

I have often read posts like this on Mumsnet and thought God no I could not put up with that. But cycling is a bit different. My dad used to meet a female friend regularly to cycle with and it never bothered my Mum. I enjoy cycling myself and it is so much easier if there is two of you as you can take turns in front and that means you can do longer distances. So just from what you have said andi am guessing you're not into cycling yab a tiny bit u. I think with cycling it's kind of normal.

chelle792 Sun 20-Mar-16 10:26:51

I think the only thing that raises questions is how come you haven't met her. I'm off with a male friend, our dogs and his baby on Thursday for the day, no one seems to mind.

Tbh, I'd be a little annoyed if my husband said I couldn't go on a day out with a friend because I needed to spend it with him.

I get where you're coming from though. Do you think there's anything in it or are you just miffed he's abandoning you for the day?

flowers

skinofthericepudding Sun 20-Mar-16 10:29:55

I suppose I'm just annoyed that he announced he was going out for the day instead of just asking first if I minded. I'll have a talk with him when he gets back!

bearleftmonkeyright Sun 20-Mar-16 10:32:54

He did give you a few days notice though didn't he?

PageStillNotFound404 Sun 20-Mar-16 10:34:48

Is it the fact he's choosing to spend the day with someone other than you in general that's the issue, or that it's this woman in particular? Would you be equally bothered if he was spending the day with a male friend?

VinoTime Sun 20-Mar-16 10:35:30

If he had gone to meet a male friend for the day, would you be annoyed? Just trying to see whether it's the female friend part that really bothers you or the fact he's gone out cycling and is enjoying 'hobby time'.

Do you each have separate time for hobbies? If you're both working all week and the weekend is the only time you have to pursue interests, then surely you both need to allow each other the time to do so? And I say that only on the basis that said interests don't take up a ridiculous amount of time - not every hour of every single weekend.

IMO, everyone needs a little 'me' time. Don't be that couple who have to be joined at the hip and do everything together. If it is the female companion who bothers you, I think you need to work on understanding why. Do you have genuine cause to worry or are you just feeling a bit threatened by her?

TeaBelle Sun 20-Mar-16 10:40:42

You seemed okay that he was going cycling earlier in the week and your annoyance started when you found out that he was cycling with a girl. Based on this yabu

BillBrysonsBeard Sun 20-Mar-16 10:41:13

Me and DP have our own friends to do things with as we don't share all the same interests, and some we have never met. It's much better than trying to rope each other into stuff we're not interested in doing! E.g. I have a male friend I go on walks with as DP hates it.
But if you were hoping to do something with him today then it would have been nice for him to prioritise that. But are Sundays his only chance to go cycling? Her being female isn't relevant.

curren Sun 20-Mar-16 10:45:46

Is he choosing to spend the day with her though over you?

Or choosing to spend the day doing his hobby and she happens to be the only person free or wanting to also go on that day.

Because that's two different things.

I have a hobby some times do it with a male friend sometimes with females friends or sometime a mix of both.

I would find it odd if dh expected me to not go as an when it's man that would be there.

He gave you notice that was his plan and you seemed fine then. So I can only assume you issue is with this woman. Can you put your finger on why?

Fairylea Sun 20-Mar-16 10:46:35

I would not be happy about that at all. I don't care if it's old fashioned of me and un pc or whatever but I don't think it's appropriate for a married person to have a day out or whatever with someone like that. Too "datey".

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Sun 20-Mar-16 10:59:25

Mmm. Plenty are affairs that have started between 'friends' with shared interests. My own father left my mum for a woman he met at his badminton club that he was 'friends' with. So I will say yanbu,I would not be at all happy with DH doing this, but it may be my personal history dictating my feeling on this.

SoupDragon Sun 20-Mar-16 11:01:02

Datey? Really? It's a bike ride, ,not a candle lit dinner for two.

I've spent a day at the weekend doing a hobby with a married male friend before. 7am to 9pm. Absolutely nothing romantic, datey or suspicious whatsoever!

skinofthericepudding Sun 20-Mar-16 11:05:43

Thanks for the replies. Just being able to share my misgivings has been helpful.
I suppose part of my worry stems from the fact that my sister's husband left her for a female friend he used to go out with because of a shared hobby!

ctjoy103 Sun 20-Mar-16 11:06:03

Yanbu, he's basically told you he's on a lovely day out with his new interest. It's Sunday, what's his business spending the day with her.

Ringadingdingdong22 Sun 20-Mar-16 11:07:59

Hmmm I wouldn't be too happy either. If it was just cycling I'd maybe be ok, but the meeting up for lunch and going sightseeing together I would not comfortable with, sounds like a date. If it was an old friend that pre-dated you two getting together then I think that's fine, it's the fact that they've become friendly fairly recently. Does she have a partner?

skinofthericepudding Sun 20-Mar-16 11:10:53

I don't know if she has a partner. We're definitely going to have a chat when he gets back.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill Sun 20-Mar-16 11:11:40

Op I would feel very uncomfortable about this, very uncomfortable.

Weekends are very precious here and I dont see why you are excluded why this friend hasnt been brought over, and TBH...I would feel odd about spending so much time with a married man!

I wouldnt do it.

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