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To feel a bit neglected and taken for granted

(33 Posts)
HardtoKoKo Sat 19-Mar-16 22:03:29

Name changed as facts are very identifying. Also a bit long to avoid drip feeding.

I have MS. Married. Work full time in a demanding and fairly senior job. Two DC, 14 and 12. On Monday I'm going into hospital for five days of a fairly aggressive treatment. I've had to fight to get the treatment and, although I'm sure it's right long-term, it's likely to make me worse for at least a few weeks. I expect to be off work until the end of April. It's also pretty standard to have a tough time during the treatment with various reactions ranging from severe headaches, itchy rash, nausea, fever etc, etc.

DH has already said that, when I get home, if domestic / kids stuff HAS to be done and I REALLY CAN'T do it, then he will. But with most things I'll have to accept that, if I can't do it, it won't get done!

Hospital is almost two hours travel from home (London so either train or crawling traffic). My dsis is taking me in on Monday so DH can go to work. DC are covered for care, feeding etc by folks and friends (including sleeping over) until Thursday evening.

DH is going to pop in before he goes home on Monday - it's about 45 minutes to get to me from work then near.y two hours home so I realise it's not easy. He then has a (optional) work drinks thing he's going to on Tuesday. Wednesday he chose to make a medical appointment of his own that he's been putting off for weeks and Thursday he needs to come home as he's needed for DC - first time he's needed for them all week. Friday (bank holiday so he's not working) he says he'll get to me mid-afternoon in time to bring me home. He's not planning on taking any time off work in case he needs it later in the year - he has 5 days more than me.

Dsis will stay to get me settled on Monday but would like to be home for lunchtime. DC will probably visit on Wednesday as my folks can bring them. A friend will try and pop in one day but it's unlikely. So, that's it. Most people having this treatment have someone there most of the time but I'll be a Norma No Mates. Was dreading the actual treatment already, now feel even worse.

So, aibu to think DH should be stepping up and being a bit more supportive? And wwyd?

VegasIsBest Sat 19-Mar-16 22:06:22

Bizarre approach from your husband. Does he realise how serious the treatment is?

Bellyrub1980 Sat 19-Mar-16 22:08:26

YANBU.

Have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you're scared and worried. Explain you'll need him around.

A few days of unpaid leave to support your wife going through a difficult treatment is surely worth it.

(Although my other half wouldn't...)

VegasIsBest Sat 19-Mar-16 22:10:41

Sorry didn't answer the what would you do part of the question.

Personally I'd be sitting down with the whole family for a talk tomorrow about how they can all step up. Your kids are old enough to help out. Make it clear you won't be doing any household stuff and ask them to come up with a plan.

Then I'd be having a separate talk with my husband and saying what you've said here.

You might also need to compromise on house standards while you're recovering.

Hope it all goes ok and you recover well.

HardtoKoKo Sat 19-Mar-16 22:15:01

DC are being pretty good actually and do understand they need to do more but it's bloody hard expecting grumpy teenagers to do something their own father won't do!

VegasIsBest Sat 19-Mar-16 22:32:49

Time for a serious talk with him then. Good luck.

Fishface77 Sun 20-Mar-16 08:12:40

Your DH sounds like a twat.
So this medical thing he has left for several weeks he's decided to book on the one week you'll need him?
He is going to the optional drinks?
He will only do the absolutely necessary?
Is there any purpose to him in your life?
Had he any redeeming features?

thinkingofayear Sun 20-Mar-16 08:17:35

Your dh needs to be more helpful! Tell him outright that his behaviour is not acceptable and use the words "I need you to be there for me" . Be clear what you expect . If he STILL behaves like this then he clearly has a serious issue.

Iamnotloobrushphobic Sun 20-Mar-16 08:18:57

YANBU in the slightest. Your DH and the kids (who are old enough) should be looking after you as well as themselves and the house. Your DH should be prioritising visiting you in hospital and bringing you decent food daily (as hospital food is dire). I can't understand why your DH thinks it is acceptable to not look after you properly.
When you are feeling better please stop looking after everyone else and go on strike.

HumphreyCobblers Sun 20-Mar-16 08:22:32

Your DH is being awful. I am sorry.
Why is he so special that he can't manage any housework? Why on earth is he going to the drinks?

LastInTheQueue Sun 20-Mar-16 08:29:06

That's shit behaviour on his part. So, basically, you're going to be in hospital for five days, having a really tough time, and he can't/won't make the time to come and see you more than once! And when you come home to recover he's only doing the bare minimum?
I echo what others have said - sit him and DC down, explain clearly what's going to happen over the next week and tell them they need to pull their weight. They should be falling over themselves to help you recover, and I hope you don't martyr yourself during your recovery either.
Also, I'd be concerned about the example he's giving your DC - that's it's ok not to care for your loved ones.

My own personal experience with hospital stays and my DH have thankfully been very different, and I would question my relationship if my DH wouldn't take care of me in this situation. "In sickened and in health" and all that...

I hope everything goes well next week and that it helps you long term.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 20-Mar-16 08:29:46

Firstly he is being a twat and should bin the optional drinks and change the medical appointment.

He also needs to get a cleaner organised for the next few weeks, so that the whole 'who does what-competitive tiredness and excuse making' is removed from the picture whilst you are recuperating.

This is the minimum he should be doing.

VimFuego101 Sun 20-Mar-16 08:30:29

I thought you were going to say your DC are babies... If so, I could have had a bit of sympathy for his 'I'll do what I can, but things may have to slide' approach. Then I saw they were teens... So not really a huge task to care for them, especially as you have family and friends rallying around too. The medical spot is understandable, if badly timed, but going for work drinks instead of coming to see you is really crappy in these circumstances.

AntiHop Sun 20-Mar-16 08:39:26

Yanbu flowers agree with others above, you need to talk to him and tell him to pull his socks up.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 20-Mar-16 08:49:22

I've just asked dh (who's a teacher and has 4 classes going for A levels) and teenagers doing their A levels and GCSEs.

So this week none of them including dh could have come to visit me as 2 hours is too far away and they don't finish parents evening/drama rehearsal/meetings/extra study groups til 6/8/9 everyday.

Dh would never be able to take a day off work as he's a teacher unless it was actually serious life threatening treatment. You don't get time off to sit in with people in hospital.

So that's this week. They said if I had treatment the following week in the holidays they'd all have visited most days.

The thing is that you're in the best place. And you're going for booked in treatment so you've got time to sort your own clothes, drinks, snacks and reading materials for the week.

You don't need anyone else and them not being able to go doesn't show to me that they don't care. I really hope your treatment goes well thanksthanksthanks

HardtoKoKo Sun 20-Mar-16 12:41:53

Thanks all. Good to know that the consensus is that I'm not being precious. LaurieFairyCake I wouldn't mind if he couldn't do / visit but I do mind him making a conscious choice to prioritise other things.

A couple of very good friends are going to try and drive over (half way round the M25) after work one evening so I'll have visitors yet my DH would rather go to a drinks do!

DC have been great today. We've done a detailed plan for the week I'm in and for the first couple of days home. We haven't relied on him at all. Now I'm uncomfortable about the message that gives them.

VegasIsBest Mon 21-Mar-16 06:37:09

Hope everything goes ok with your treatment today. Try and relax and focus on yourself. The family will sort themselves out.

With best wishes.

HardtoKoKo Tue 22-Mar-16 05:11:08

Thanks Vegas.

Day one went better than I hoped. I'm well set up in hospital, DC are fine and friends are stepping up to visiting gaps - the other 3 ladies have people here during the 5-6 hours that we're hooked up

DH called in yesterday as planned and will come early on Friday. So everything is fine but, at some point when I'm recovered, I need to do some serious reflecting and decide if this situation has magnified a bigger problem or if it's just his crap way of coping

BitOutOfPractice Tue 22-Mar-16 05:43:30

Your husband is being an arse. And you might want to mention to him that every single colleague who sees him at a drinks do when his wife is in hospital will think him an arse too

I'm not surprised you're feeling unloved. Have you told your Dh hoe it's made you feel? Is he always an arse or is this temporarily arseholery?

All the best with the treatment. Hope it goes well thanks

whois Tue 22-Mar-16 08:40:05

Yeah I'd be pretty unhappy of DP chose to go to a works drinks even rather than come and see me in hospital :-(

Does he have health issues of his own? Why won't he do anything around the house?

Hope treatment goes well for you OP

junebirthdaygirl Tue 22-Mar-16 08:56:36

If l was in hospital l wouldn't care if anyone visited but l would care if l came home to a mess. I would give him a list of what l needed the three of them to have done by Fri. I find that first moment of coming in the door the most important as if everything looks lovely it lifts me immediately. If there is a mess l want to run. My dh has regular stays in hospital 2 hours away. We have an understanding that l never visit. We chat and text by phone during the day but after working a full day l just cannot do the driving. I also continue with my own activities. It may seem heartless but it makes it easier for me to cope. Of course l do all housework and did all children's activities when they were young. Just settle in to hospital. Read. Mumsnet etc. But house must be done on your arrival home. That is not up for discussion. Hope treatment goes well.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser Tue 22-Mar-16 15:39:50

Sorry to hear about that OP, I don't think you are BU in the slightest. I would be angry and hurt in your situation.

I hope your treatment is going well, and that you are getting plenty of visits from friends to distract you and keep you going flowers

AppleSetsSail Tue 22-Mar-16 15:43:31

I'm sorry that your husband hasn't made this more a priority, I'd be very hurt - my husband behaved pretty much exactly the same way when I had both of my babies. Not nearly the same, I understand, but it really builds resentment and anger.

Wishing you a speedy recovery - good luck. flowers

FigTree90 Tue 22-Mar-16 17:50:31

Sorry to hear this. Men can be just so thoughtless sometimes. It is so crap to feel so under appreciated whilst you are going through such a traumatic experience.

If you are feeling lonely and would like someone to talk to/ bring you a magazine or something from M&S to avoid the hospital food drop me a private message - I live in London and could pop by.

My mother was in hospital ill for a long time and the thought of her being lonely there kills me.

I hope your husband gets his priorities straight. Unfortunately sometimes men don't listen.

Skittlesss Tue 22-Mar-16 17:57:57

Aww Fig you are absolutely lovely. flowers star

Got tears in my eyes now

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