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That if you don't 'want to talk about it' why tell anyone?!!

(16 Posts)
Neveradullm0ment Sat 19-Mar-16 18:42:31

Close relative has had second miscarriage in 12 months. She's in her mid 40s and has a 2 year old DC. As soon as she had DC she went on about trying for another - I had to bite my young as I had just had DC2 and found it a bit of a struggle (didn't want to put her off - but I had a 5 year gap between mine and never thought I would have DC2). Now we've been told this through another relative who has said she wants us to know but not to talk about when we all meet up over Easter. This happened with MC she had last summer - and I did find it hard - but respected her wishes of course - it's the most horrible thing to go through and I hada MC at 6 weeks in my mid 20s. So anyway it's happened again - and again DH and I are told we can know about it but are not even allowed to say 'hope you are okay''our thoughts are with you' or even acknowledge this horrible thing has happened yet we've been told about it. I'm thinking (and I'm 90% certain she had two MC before she had DC1) why tell us? It just adds to everyone's upset. It's not as if this part of family talk about babies emotions or even ask each other 'when's the next one'. So there is very little chance of something upsetting being sad - plus we know to be sensitive because she had a miscarriage last year. To be fair- this particular relative has made it clear she doesn't really like me - am I being a hard b***h - I've tried to reach out to her about other things (her and DH nearly lost their home and I offered to lend money and help with childcare through another relative without asking her direct but I find this all very strange. I have several very close friends who have had miscarriages in their 40s and although upset they are quite pragmatic and talk about their loss. Anyway I'm posting here because DH thinks I am BU!!!

Muskateersmummy Sat 19-Mar-16 18:46:55

I would say she would want you to know in case she is feeling overly sensitive, and maybe doesn't seem herself. But doesn't want to talk about it because it's upsetting? I don't think it's unreasonable to say "this has happened but let's not talk about it"

maddening Sat 19-Mar-16 18:47:17

Maybe she wants you to know in case she is upset or so you can avoid awkward conversations about babies etc but not want to take talk about it - however she wants to handle her own grief goes imo

sonjadog Sat 19-Mar-16 18:49:57

Maybe it is because she is sad and wants you all to treat her gently when you see her and take a bit of extra care about her, but she doesn't want to actually discuss what is going on? I think that is fair. I haven't had a MC, but I have lost close realtions and while I really didn't want everyone around me coming up to talk about it, it was good to know that they knew and would understand if I were a bit quiet or unsocial.

hairymelonwalton Sat 19-Mar-16 18:53:12

maybe she letting ppl know as in "its not a secret" but doesnt want to talk about it

Arfarfanarf Sat 19-Mar-16 18:57:58

maybe as others say she wants you to know because she wants you to choose what you say with that in mind so as to not say something without thinking. talk of is she planning a baby, or such kind of thing.

Of course, the other possibility is that this other relative is telling you this without her knowledge or permission and is insisting you know but say nothing not even sorry because they know full well they weren't to say anything.

MammaTJ Sat 19-Mar-16 19:02:21

Your DH is right!!

Why the hell should YOUR feelings and thoughts matter when someone has just had their 4th miscarriage?

Neveradullm0ment Sat 19-Mar-16 19:05:11

mamma and arfar DH has just pointed this out and I think you might both be right. I don't know if it's her 4th mamma - educated guess. In which case I am BU!

CrazyDuchess Sat 19-Mar-16 19:14:44

Yup YABtotallyU.

Birdsgottafly Sat 19-Mar-16 19:22:03

Given her age, she's possibly struggling with a few aspects of the MC, which could be that she'll never have another and just processing that.

It's irrelevant how your friends dealt with theirs.

It's the possibility of sentences such as "although upsetting, they've been quite pragmatic", why you want to avoid conversations. Even if they aren't said, you can pick up on the underlying attitude.

She's got a right to mourn and not want to be 'sensible or realistic', which is the definition of pragmatic.

Birdsgottafly Sat 19-Mar-16 19:22:39

Another child, I meant.

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 19-Mar-16 19:28:05

Agree with hairymelon , it's also about acknowledging what happened but letting you know in advance without offending that she just doesn't want to talk about it right now. I don't really think that has to be justified or explained really.

Can I ask what you mean by 'it just adds to everybody's upset?'

positivity123 Sat 19-Mar-16 19:39:48

By telling you she can avoid those conversations such as 'oh when are you going to try for another' and anyone announcing pregnancy may be more sensitive.
While your friends might be pragmatic others react differently.

Neveradullm0ment Sat 19-Mar-16 19:43:25

toogood DH and I have got some serious issues - health and financial. I guess to protect identities I've not told the whole story here. I think it it is that I'm BU but with some good reason. Three years ago a close friend killed themselves and this relative was actual quite brutal to me - she trampled over my feelings and was really dismissive and now we are expected to be ultra sensitive which we would have been anyway.

Neveradullm0ment Sat 19-Mar-16 19:45:21

Maybe this has stirred up my feelings of resentment. DH is at work so maybe I'm overthinking this too - and should get on with sorting my own health issues. I'm glad I posted though..

Picturesofmatchstickmen Sat 19-Mar-16 19:50:14

I'm so sorry for all you have been through flowers
But you will never get a helpful, balanced response from posters if you don't provide all the relevant information.

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