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This Childs tantrum has been made into a much bigger deal than needed?

(111 Posts)
WeDoNotSow Sat 19-Mar-16 16:26:07

Dp cousin was at ours with his DD.
When she left she was carrying a couple of DS's toy cars. I said to her 'goodbye X, can I have DS's car back please?'
She clutched on to them tighter, so I looked at her dad, who was just looking at me.
Then he then SIGHED and said 'X give sow the cars back', X starts crying.
DP then said 'oh don't worry, you can have them' so I said 'No she can't, they're not hers'
X then had a massive tantrum, 10 minutes later dad had managed to get the cars off her and left.
DP then asked me why I made such a big deal about it, as 'they were only cheap', and I said it didn't matter, they didn't belong to her, so does she just take home any of his toys she wants? He said obviously not, so I asked ok, what value do we go up to then?
He looks really confused and told me I made it into a much bigger thing than it needed to be?
I would NEVER let my DC leave another persons house with toys that didn't belong to them, regardless of they were 'cheap' or not.
I'm hmm at the whole thing

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 19-Mar-16 16:28:44

How old is everyone?

WeDoNotSow Sat 19-Mar-16 16:29:12

She is 4, DS is 6

WeDoNotSow Sat 19-Mar-16 16:29:33

Sorry, 5!!!

curren Sat 19-Mar-16 16:29:47

Yanbu. I would never let ds take someone else's toys home.

WeDoNotSow Sat 19-Mar-16 16:30:14

She's in year 1

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 19-Mar-16 16:30:23

Some people just like to take the short term easier road.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 19-Mar-16 16:31:04

In that case, bollocks to it. No way would I make my child give a tantrumming child a toy. That message is not one I'd like DD to learn!

If the other child was 2 and mine was 10 and didn't care about the toy, maybe. In this case, absolutely not.

CookieLady Sat 19-Mar-16 16:31:25

I'm with you on this one. I loathed my mother giving my toys away to cousins when I was a kid.

Muskateersmummy Sat 19-Mar-16 16:31:44

I would have offered the same as your dp.... However as a parent would have insisted dd gave them back and rode out the tantrum to show her tantrums don't work.

SaucyJack Sat 19-Mar-16 16:32:34


No further comment needed.

BertieBotts Sat 19-Mar-16 16:32:50

At 5 she should know that you're supposed to ask if you would like to borrow something.

KittyandTeal Sat 19-Mar-16 16:35:33

I hate it when I've said to dd (3.5yo) no you can't have/do that knowing full well she'll have a tantrum, I'll say no again and within a couple of mins she'll have worked out I mean no and quit. Then someone who thinks they're being helpful or kind say oh yes it's ok you can have them/do that.

It always ends with me saying thanks but no, dd getting kore upset because she's been told no, then yes, then no again and the tantrum is waaaaay worse.

usual Sat 19-Mar-16 16:36:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeorgeTheThird Sat 19-Mar-16 16:37:29

Slack parenting from the blokes there <gavel>

usual Sat 19-Mar-16 16:38:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katienana Sat 19-Mar-16 16:39:49

I'd have asked the ds if she could borrow them.

Pollyputhtekettleon Sat 19-Mar-16 16:41:14

They weren't DH's to give away. Maybe everyone could have asked ds and if he said no, end of story and cousin would learn that you can ask for things but the decision is made by the giver.

MigGril Sat 19-Mar-16 16:42:21

I thought you where going to say she was 2 or 3 not 5 and in year 1. Not at that age I'd expect them to know better and not to have such a big tantrum over it.

YWNBU at all.

Primaryteach87 Sat 19-Mar-16 16:43:12

Ywnbu - it's not about the toy as you've said, it's about the lesson she is learning. Tantrum=I get what I want or tantrum=pointless because my parents stand by their words.

CheeseAndOnionWalkers Sat 19-Mar-16 16:43:58

If you'd handed the toy over, you'd risk your child doing the same to get his way in future.

You were definitely in the right. I bet the cousin wouldn't like other children randomly taking her toys.

WonderingAspie Sat 19-Mar-16 16:44:07

YANBU. You don't give in to a tantrumming child as it just teaches them it's how to get their own way. No wonder so many children are spoilt.

YouTheCat Sat 19-Mar-16 16:46:33

At 5, no way. Would she do this at school and expect people to just give in? It's not like she can't understand that some things aren't hers to take.

The parent is really making a rod for their own back by not dealing with the tantrum. Will they still expect people to let her get away with this when she's 9?

ColdTeaAgain Sat 19-Mar-16 16:47:52

I thought you were going to say 2 max! It took 10 minutes! Bloody ridiculous. Sounds like they always give in to her and they are not doing her any favours that's for sure.

Lurkedforever1 Sat 19-Mar-16 16:50:44

You were right. It's not fair to let one child learn a tantrum earns them what they want, and not fair on the child who's stuff it is. And that's for 2 yr olds, let alone school age.

We have some of Dds outgrown toys that friends younger dc's play with when they visit, and sometimes if they really like a certain toy dd will give it them. However even dd knew from being 6/7 that if they were having a strop about it then we didn't reward them with a present there and then

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