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Or is DP re paying babysitting money to look after sibling

(92 Posts)
Shinyshoes2 Fri 18-Mar-16 22:49:36

I have 3 children 18, 15 and 8
I have flexible working hours which allows me to work opposite DP's shifts so there is always one of us at home
On the odd opportunity we both work at the same time at weekends just to earn a bit of overtime , when this happens 15 yo ds has 8 yo dd for a small fee , he's doong U.S. a favour by having her
I had arranged to meet my neice this Sunday , dp was originally at home but has arranged to go into work for overtime
This time ive asked 18 yo d's to have her , however DP dosent want to pay him as he Dosent have a job and thinks he should be doing it as part of his ' keep '
I disagree I think he should get paid the same amount as 15 yo ds would have done
18 yo DOSEN'T contribute financially at all to our home and really dosent contribute to the household in terms of chores either ... He's supposed to hoover every Wednesday and Saturday but to be honest he disappears for days on end so we don't know when we are going to see him next
I'm putting this to the MN vote
Aibu for thinking he should be paid the same as his brother would have done Or
is DP BU for saying he shouldn't be paid ??

OwlinaTree Fri 18-Mar-16 22:50:46

Yes pay him the same. The other stuff is not relevant.

VimFuego101 Fri 18-Mar-16 22:50:58

Your DS does sound like he needs to contribute more, but you can't really pay one and not the other.

TrinityForce Fri 18-Mar-16 22:52:34

Well, I agree, he should do it as a good will gesture for 'keep'.

However, if you're giving his 15yo brother cash for the same thing, you should also give 18yo cash.

It might boost his morale a bit, to be 'earning' a bit.

AgentZigzag Fri 18-Mar-16 22:56:12

I can see what your DP means but think you should pay whatever you pay your 15 YO.

How much he contributes is a separate thing, even though he's off elsewhere for days on end.

RB68 Fri 18-Mar-16 23:01:06

personally I would be putting the cash on the table and picking it back up again for contribution to the household. Really you need to sort the whole not earning, not contributing thing out - I do see that paying them might ensure they feel obliged to actually do the babysitting, but the keep issue needs to be addressed - and what and how is he disappearing, what are they up to and how are they paying for it...

Mozzereena Fri 18-Mar-16 23:04:46

I would pay the older DC £10 per hour for doing the child care.

I would also be charging the 18 yo DC half of their Job seekers allowance for their keep.

Shinyshoes2 Fri 18-Mar-16 23:09:15

Right DP wants me to add the following as he thinks I haven't painted a clear picture
15yo ds makes her breakfast when he does his in the mornings
15 yo d's also empties the dishwasher daily , sometimes hangs washing out
15 yo can also have her for around 6 hours whilst both of us work so is therefore more ' deserving ' of the cash
So with all this in mind he wants to know if he is still BU by not paying 18 yo DS as he does fuck all round the house

Shinyshoes2 Fri 18-Mar-16 23:09:50

DS dosent claim jobseekers
He dosent claim anything

ImperialBlether Fri 18-Mar-16 23:10:19

£10 an hour! That's twice what he'd get paid if he did it for a job.

Lopperlady1 Fri 18-Mar-16 23:10:53

It's a seperate issue. I would pay him the same. But then deal with the issue of him not contributing in other ways.

Bettydownthehall Fri 18-Mar-16 23:11:20

I would never pay my DC for childcare. Your family and family help each other. Especially if you doing overtime means more money coming into the household

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 18-Mar-16 23:15:17

If you pay one you have to pay the other when they are doing the same job.

All the other stuff is not relevant.

Mozzereena Fri 18-Mar-16 23:17:10

Families should help each other.
Older DC help us with childcare - and we help them by paying them properly.

AgentZigzag Fri 18-Mar-16 23:19:28

Sounds like your DP is getting a bit fucked off with DS1 being a lazy toe rag!

He's got a point, he should be claiming money for JSA if he's entitled to it or getting off his arse to get a flat/job etc.

What's the story with him?

And is he your DP's lad?

Mozzereena Fri 18-Mar-16 23:19:47

Shineyshoes your older DC is entitled to about £50 per week JCA if he is actively seeking work.

maydancer Fri 18-Mar-16 23:19:53

is your 18 yo in education?

Mozzereena Fri 18-Mar-16 23:20:36


ElderlyKoreanLady Fri 18-Mar-16 23:21:11


15yo sounds like they contribute to the household. They're therefore paid for childcare.

18yo does sweet FA. They therefore shouldn't get paid when they make the smallest contribution.

Contributing to the household should be a non-paid standard for everyone there. I'd only pay when they're going above that and doing me a favour.

bettyberry Fri 18-Mar-16 23:24:46

you said in your OP that the middle one doing the childcare was a 'favour' for you both. That means its not part of daily household chores/upkeep and that's why you pay middle child.

It is only fair you pay older child the same rate for doing you a favour because it is not part of general chores/upkeep of the home.

FWIW it used to piss me off something rotten my parents expected me to babysit my younger siblings regularly and I never received payment even though I was often forced to cancel actual paid babysitting to do it. I was not their parent. Not my responsibility iyswim.

As to the upkeep side of things. why are you using a job you pay one child for as way to 'punish' his behaviour? he will only see it as you favouring one child over the other and he will be resentful of it.

TheCraicDealer Fri 18-Mar-16 23:25:33

You need to pay them both fairly. I think it's ok to expect a small degree of give/take re. helping out with younger siblings, but the youngest is still your child. Your eldest isn't obliged to help, they're doing you a favour by watching the youngest at quite short notice so that you don't have to change your plans. You've set a precedent by paying the 15 year old and it would be a bit unfair to refuse to do the same for the older one, even if they don't empty then dishwasher of their own volition.

The eldest's refusal to get a job or claim benefits and contribute to the household is well out of order, but I don't think it's that relevant. I would be concentrating on that aspect rather than having a tit-for-tat argument over a few quid's babysitting money which is guaranteed to breed resentment between the siblings.

Shinyshoes2 Fri 18-Mar-16 23:28:33

18 yo DS dosent claim anything because he tried that last year , got 1 payment of JSA in about 10 weeks of messing about so he though F this and he got an apprentiship... Unfortunately he didn't last longer than 6 months as the money was bad according to him and he thinks it's slave labour
So around 5 - 6 weeks ago he quit and has no Job no JSA and to be honest he's not keen on trying to claim again as they messed him around too much last time.
Yes DP is his dad
Yes DP is sick of him being a lazy toe rag

sparkleglitterdaisy Fri 18-Mar-16 23:32:29

I've always paid both my older children the same amount when they've babysat. Think it's only fair. It's so useful to have older siblings who can babysit .

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit Fri 18-Mar-16 23:34:04

Yes you should pay him. It would be demotivating (if he can be any more demotivated!) to pay his DB and not him.

ElderlyKoreanLady Fri 18-Mar-16 23:34:48

Well I'm with your DH, but that'll be going against the tide here. An 18yo who does nothing at all is very different to a 15yo who's got school, homework, contributes to the household and babysits for pocket money regularly. You can only treat them fairly if their contribution is similar. It isn't. Mollycoddling an 18yo in the interest of being fair does them no favours in the long run.

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