To think the two aren't comparable?(29 Posts)
My DM keeps going on about how my house needs a good tidy. Yes, probably it does. However she then uses her friend's daughter's house as a comparison (she has 3 children, I have 2)
DM's friend's DD has huge house, with utility room, play room, a bedroom for each child, a lean to so she can hang washing outside in wet weather as well as a dishwasher and a tumble dryer etc. She's a lovely woman, and I know she isn't particularly precious about cleaning either but she has the space and utilities to better hide her mess.
I have a 2 bed flat with both DC in one room, radiators and airers to dry clothes on, no room for dishwasher, no room for tumble dryer (no money to run the thing anyway!) there are sometimes toys on the floor when the kids are playing.
She keeps saying "oh what a lovely house so and so has." and looking around my place with disdain. Of course she bloody has! You can't see her washing/washing up - its all in the utility room/tumble dryer/dish washer! And the play room always looks standard to me, a bit messy but only things the kids are playing with.
Why is my DM comparing the two? Our situations aren't the same! AIBU?
"Are you offering to pitch in for a new big house, Mum, so I can move and have more space?"
wonder what she'll say
"yes mum. So and so's house is lovely. Her mother is lovely too..."
It is your mother's problem. I have a mother who has never complemented me on anything - but I just accept that she is just always fault-finding even with herself.
You aren't being unreasonable, but you have to accept you mother as she is. Once in a while do tell her off. I do tell my mother off now and then and tell he she is being unreasonable.
The thing is, my DM's house was never particularly clean when we were young either and it is the exact same set up as her friends DD, although without the roof extension. If I say that she has more about 160% more space than me, her come back is "well she does have more DC than you too" as if that makes me a lazy slattern.
Oh I feel your pain op. Except its all my siblings who have huge new builds and one has a cleaner. My ex council semi is worn down and permanently full of drying laundry. My dm and df went through a spell of 'oh Lois wouldn't you like a nice house....' Etc. I just asked them to stop and they did. They weren't belittling me on purpose. Try it with your mum.
Every time she complains about the mess, hand her a duster.
My mum does this... always moans when she comes to my house because there is washing piled somewhere, or general mess. Most of her moaning is just because I don't do stuff the way she does. In the end I told her if she doesn't like it, don't come round anymore. I don't tell her how to keep her house!
I feel your pain. My mum and sister love to comment on how messy my house is. I have a tiny little 2 bedroomed terrace house. Small kitchen, small everything. I am a sahm but my husband works long hours, my daughter doesn't sleep much and is really clingy atm so I don't get much done. According to my mum I should put dd in her cot and leave her to cry while I tidy up.
They can't understand that my house is clean just untidy. It used to bother me but I've learnt it's there problem not mine. My sister btw has a 4 bedroomed massive house, her kids are older and she lives just round the corner from my mum who helps out a lot. I live 200 miles away..... but we are obviously the same in her eyes..
'Mum, why do you keep saying this? It's really rude and mean. Please stop talking about how Xs house is nicer than mine'.
If my Mum came round and started criticising my home then she would no longer be invited round [ or allowed to come in if she just turned up] and she would be told why.
Or give her a bag of washing and ironing next time she makes a comment and say "Thanks mum, its so great you point this all out to me, your help is going to really ease the burden"
"when you say x, it makes me feel y" or "are you saying my house is a mess, that's hurtful, I have x,y,z etc" Or that mn classic, "did you mean to sound so rude?"
She is immune to all of these points. I have tried, she has skin thicker than a black rhino's.
When I mentioned that her friends DD's house is filled to the brim with junk in the loft room/utility room (we are friends but not close, the only connection being our DM's, so I have seen it) she says well.... you have too much stuff and need to get rid. If there is a criticism to be found, she will find it. And it'll be entirely my problem if DH has left a mess and I haven't picked it up. I am the woman and therefore responsible for all tidying duties.
"yes mum. So and so's house is lovely. Her mother is lovely too..."
However, having a big house doesn't mean you will be junk free and tidy and ordered - it just means there are more rooms to keep on top of.
DM has only seen her front room and kitchen when she pops round for a tea. My front room has toys and washing in it, which of course her's doesn't.
I'm going to start handing her the duster I think
I love the thought of turning it around as PP said. "Oh, XYZ's mother is so lovely. She is really supportive and encouraging. She never criticises her daughter or picks up on silly, unimportant details. I wish you were more like her mum - you are really rude, dismissive and actually quite vicious in some of your comments"
My mother complains i'm a hoarder, the kuds have too many toys, and i have too much clutter.
I keep pointing out every single knick knack on my shelves, the china, the candles, the vases, the random bowls, the picture frames, and 90% of the kids toys have been bought by....her.
And if i get rid of anything, i get months of "where's that lovely candle set i bought you? I don't know why i bother, you're never grateful, get rid of all this clutter and it would look nice..."
My DM is the same. She comments on my washing up a lot.
I just told her, "of course you don't have as much washing up as me. My food is cooked from scratch so I have cutting boards and saucepans to wash up. Your Iceland meal goes on one tray "
Gone nc with my rude, judgemental, snipey, snidey mother who thought a clean, tidy house was more important than a warm, loving and happy one.
Have blossomed in the 3 years since
2 bedroom flat-dweller here too OP. I bought a cheap, very basic tumble dryer this winter and put it by a small kitchen window.
It looks terrible and there's no hiding it but my God it has CHANGED MY
LIFE! No more herds of tented clothes horses leaning against all available radiators. No more damp. No more not-quite-dry-but-fuck-it-it'll-do clothes. No more having to buy a million baby vests so I know some will be dry in time to dress DD.
May not be a runner for you but if could edge one in somewhere DO IT!
Apart from that though your DM is being a total pain in the arse!
If you don't have a dishwasher it's impossible to keep up with dishes unless you're constantly in the sink! My kitchen always looks tidy since I got one even though I do no extra cleaning. So you have my sympathies
She sounds like a PITA OP, sorry I can't help with advice for her.
But, when I didn't have a dishwasher to hide all the pots in and they use to make me feel crap looking at them collect during the day. My friend said to put a washing up bowl under the sink and just put the dirty pots until it full or you're ready to wash them. Leaving a clean sink and work surfaces,
God I'm sad
We are hoping to move in 2 years so the one thing I will absolutely insist on is a utility room so we have space for washing to go. I have a very large DH and his shirts are like sheets so the pile looks huge.
As for DM, I don't think the woman will ever change. She's living in an age where women still do all domestic duties as well as work full time, and do all the parenting while the husband sits in the pub waiting for his call home for dinner!
I really hope I don't become like this when I get older!
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