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Parents Divorcing ....

(27 Posts)
decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 11:28:13

I am, I know being UR. Back story.

DF serial philanderer. DM alcoholic for as long as I can remember (currently an amazing truly amazing 7 years sober).

DF I would say was & still is VERY controlling. DM always has & always will be in love with him.

They spilt 20 years ago, never got divorced, DF has always financially supported DM, albeit with control.

DF went off with OW & they are still together.

It is relevant that I can't stand the OW, she was hideous to me when my DS was born, I am not allowed in "their" house, if I am ever invited by my DF surprise surprise, there is "not enough food" for me & DS - have prob been there 3 times in last 3 years.

I invited DF & OW at Xmas, they came, she had a smacked arse face all day. My DM remained with full decorum (she rocks!).

My dislike for DF's OW is damaging (to me) I am aware of that, but I wouldn't accept anyone else to treat me as bad as she does so just because she is my DF's partner I don't believe I should have to tolerate it.

To cut to the chase. DF tells DM he is divorcing her (yesterday) after 20 years. Then throws in to say he will be marrying the cunt his partner. DF is 72, GF is 54.

I am so upset as is my DM, but I know I am being UR as DF & DM have been separated for so long. I am 40 next year, why is this hurting me as if I was a little girl?

My parents split was nasty. OW was actually living in our fucking house when the affair started. But that's not relevant now is it?

My problem is I hate the fucking bitch so much & I don't want her anywhere near me or my DS. My relationship with DF has always been close to perfect (past never spoken about, he's never let me down etc ....)

My reasons for disliking her so intensely is for the way she treats me now & they way she treated me when DS was born (threw me & DS out in the cold when he was 6wks, told me to move away ... the list goes on) DF will hear nothing of it & says I make it up.

I'm just sat here with this on my mind & I don't like it.

I want to feel better about this so I'm not grumpy or sad for my DS.

Don't know what I am asking really, just good getting it on paper I suppose sad

Theladyloriana Fri 18-Mar-16 11:40:20

What a horrible, difficult situation for you flowers. You say your relationship with df has always been 'close to perfect'. I can't help but notice that you also say he is controlling, serial philanderer, and started a sexual relationship when he was living in, I assume, the family home with you in it. I think it probably is relevant, as surely you would have been aware of the dynamics in some way? Surely your df has some say or responsibility about there not being enough food and throwing you and ds out when he was so wee? I guess I'm wondering if all of your anger is being directed at ow (who sounds horrendous BTW and has treated you appallingly) when perhaps it's your df who has also behaved very, very badly.

If ow was kinder to you would this situation be better?
Do you wish a bit that your parents would get back together?
What actually happened with the affair in the home and when you were thrown out with Ds?
So sorry you are going through this flowers

decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 12:16:50

Thank you for replying, it's made me smile you see the bad side that I see.

OW was our Au Pair. I was aware of EVERYTHING. My DM took it very bad, very bad indeed as would any mother, wife, partner.

Yes DF did say something when OW said "oh sorry not enough food for you" DF responded with "they can share mine" I left pretty sharp anyway.

When OW threw us out & told me to move away (I'm a lone parent myself with NC with DS Father) my DF said "I didn't hear what happened but it's because your post natal, again it's relevant as that has constantly been thrown in my face.

What I forgot to say is, over the past 20years DF has always seen me, my DM & DB but lies where he is as OW will go apeshit.

In fact the more I think & write this down its so unhealthy, all of it. All these years of lies.

OW takes no responsibility for any of her actions in this mess. She point blank says that me & my DM are "mad" and we make things up.

Fortunately I know I am not.

Don't really know what I am asking. Well I do but there is not a chance in hell it would ever happen, I feel it's all so unjust, OW never ever & never will accept any wrong doing in this. I know it's just as much my DF's doing but she thinks she is a FUCKING GOD DAMN PURITAN.

How can I put it in the past, how can I just move on, 20 fucking years it's been and I still feel like this.

To be honest it has got worse since I had my DS as my DF idolises him & she is jealous. Example: OW purposely cut her finger while DF was holding DS & she was screaming "I need your help look at me, look at me I've cut my finger" DF gave me back DS (he was 4 weeks old) she expected me to sit at the table while we eat, DS was days old & ebf also high needs & wanted to be constantly held. He screamed all the time and she said "oh he's playing you" oh FUCK OFF you baron cow. He's days old!!!

They never had children - there is a god.

FlyRussianUnicorn Fri 18-Mar-16 12:21:03

Your bound to be a little hurt. Youf parents are getting a divorce. Despite them being seperated its still a big change.

Why do you have to see your DFs partner with him? Cant you just invite your DF over?

decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 12:34:35

I can invite just him. He wouldn't come without her thou (she won't let him more like)

It's just embarrassing when we do see him, she is always ringing, texting etc .... I mean he's 72 FFS! He's only gone 6 miles up the road for an hour to see his DGS!

Thanks for your replies. My DM is sad.

In a way he should've divorced her years ago.

decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 12:36:02

It's the whole OW thinks she has done nothing wrong. She thinks she has morals. It's the unjust of the situation I am struggling with.

Her behaviour towards me, it's hurt that my DF doesn't see it.

decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 12:49:14

What I'm trying to say is, I can bury the past. I can move on from the initial my DF has left for OW.

My problem is the way she has treated ME & DS since I had DS

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 18-Mar-16 12:54:32

'You baron cow' - I assume you mean barren.
Thats awful. A fucking horrible thing to say.
Somehow I suspect, even though your father sounds a shit, that there's two sides to this story.

decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 13:00:12

I mean barren. Yes it is a horrible thing to say, so is "leave your 3 day old baby to cry because you should sit at the table & eat"

it's also horrible to fuck your father who is married to your Mum in their house when you are the au Pair.

Equally there are 2 sides.

FlyRussianUnicorn Fri 18-Mar-16 13:16:04

You need to sit down and have a talk with him. If he wants to see his grandson, then he needs to come alone and turn his phone off. You clearly dont like this woman, i dont blame you- see seems vile, and I wouldnt want my child anywhere near her.

Ultimatium time I think. Just prepare for it to not go the way you want. Its either that, or you have to continue to see this woman.

If it makes you feel any better im a bitch sometimes to ring yor DF that much it sounds like shes paranoid hes going off with another woman. Thats a nice slice of karma right there grin

DontCareHowIWantItNow Fri 18-Mar-16 13:22:24

Yes what they have done in the past us wrong...

But the statement below amongst others is very very wrong and tbh I can't get past that.

They never had children - there is a god.

ImperialBlether Fri 18-Mar-16 13:29:01

I agree it's a horrible thing to say, but the fact of it is that if the OW had had a child with her father, I doubt he would have been 'allowed' to see his first children at all.

Momamum Fri 18-Mar-16 13:31:54

So, your dad fucked the hired help. Hired help's now going to take him for, what, half?, of everything he has.

Now, you can do nothing at all about all this, 'crept I'd remind her of her roots if/when she dares to have a go at you about your own child. But that's just me..evil, like grin

FlyRussianUnicorn Fri 18-Mar-16 13:32:32

This woman sounds like a narcissistic fuckwit who would badly damage any child she would give birth to. So im on side OP on that one

Yesvember Fri 18-Mar-16 13:34:55

Listen, you sound eaten up with anger and that is not good for you, or your child. How about getting some kind of counselling or similar help.

Re the comments about being barren etc, really, try to cut out this kind of thinking and talking, it will be hurtful for other people to read and will do nothing to help the situation you are in or your own feelings.

Funinthesun15 Fri 18-Mar-16 13:35:23

oh FUCK OFF you baron cow

Disgusting thing to say.

Maybe it's best if you don't see each other.

Yes she was in the wrong in the past. Your behaviour is also bad.

dolkapots Fri 18-Mar-16 13:41:50

Horrible, horrible situation OP. I can totally understand why you are upset, and how these feelings can feel irrational.

Regarding your DF, I'm afraid he plays a big part in this. He is turning a blind eye to his DP's behavior and blaming it on your PND hmm He is enabling her so he is guilty too.

Very similar situation and I don't have any relationship with my DF now as his DW can't handle it (we did the secret meetings too) and he felt it was easier to give up me and his grandchildren than her.

Northernlurker Fri 18-Mar-16 13:56:54

I can understand why the op is angry and upset. I think if au pair-other woman- stepmother wants to be treated with respect and consideration then that's what she should also have offered.
Op - don't get drawn into personal angst about this. It's way too late for that. What you should do though is ask ensure your mums finances are not worsened by the divorce and at in particular she is able to leave her home to whoever she wants. If your dad wants a divorce then assets and pension must be fairly and finally spilt

Crabbitface Fri 18-Mar-16 14:01:44

The "Barren" thing is pretty low OP. You can be as angry and foul-mouthed at your Dad's gf as you want but being 'barren' is a devastating issue for lots of folk on mumsnet and really isn't going to garner much sympathy.

I agree with others who say you are partially misdirecting your anger. Yes, she sounds vile. But your relationship with your dad is the responsibility of only two people - YOU and HIM. Not her, not your mum, not your children. If he refuses to stand up for you, accuses you of lying etc etc that is HIS responsibility, HIS choice.

Perhaps a letter or e-mail to him would give you the space to say all the things you want to say, but I would hand deliver it to him, just in case his partner intercepts it.

All of the things that have happened are now in the past and you have no control over them and you can not possibly control anyone else's future behaviour - you need to focus on today, your kids and your mum.

decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 14:07:18

I take back the barren remark

decslover Fri 18-Mar-16 14:09:55

My DM has NEVER stood in the way of my DF seeing us. She was too ill.

BillSykesDog Fri 18-Mar-16 14:27:20

I agree that there are probably two sides to this and that from what you've said on here it's highly unlikely that you are as innocent in all this as you claim.

I read this this morning actually, and was going to reply, but decided not to. But in light of some of the things you've said since I've changed my mind.

The first thing that jumped out of your post to me was how much you minimise and play down your mother's alcoholism. It sounds like it was very, very much a serious and long term problem. How do you think this impacted on your father and his marriage, especially with two young children in the mix? Do you think that your father protected you from that to some extent?

What do you think life was like for your Dad married to an alcoholic? I don't imagine it was much fun. Do you not think perhaps that your mother's own actions contributed to the breakdown of her marriage too?

I imagine from the point of view of your DF and SM the fact that you seem to idolise the mother who pissed away your childhood and your son's drunk whilst demonising your SM is rather galling.

dolkapots Fri 18-Mar-16 15:16:05

Bill the OP's mother's alcoholism is (I assume) in no way related to how her DSM treats her and her son?

it's highly unlikely that you are as innocent in all this as you claim.

Yes, it was OP's fault that her Mum had a drinking problem, her DF ran off with OW and now her DSM says there is no food for her and her DS hmm

CoteDAzur Fri 18-Mar-16 15:24:32

"it's also horrible to fuck your father who is married to your Mum in their house when you are the au Pair."

How old was she at the time?

How much do you blame your father for having fucked the au pair living under the same roof with his family, next door to his wife and sleeping children? More than you blame the au pair, I hope .

BillSykesDog Fri 18-Mar-16 15:34:03

Dolka, given the absolutely vile things she's said about SM on here it seems more than a little unlikely that she's been sweetness and light towards her stepmother.

I think the DMs alcoholism is relevant because the OP seems to completely ignore that as a factor in the breakdown of her parents marriage in favour of blaming the OW.

I think it's very convenient for the OP to blame the OW for the breakdown in her parents marriage and it allows her to overlook the fact that by the time she came on the scene the marriage was probably over in all but name only on account of the fact her mother had checked out of family life in favour of getting shitfaced all the time instead.

I don't think it's ever fair to put the blame for the breakdown of a marriage involving an alcoholic entirely on the other party. Because y'know, cleaning up another adults piss, shit and vomit and watching them humiliate you and themselves every time they're drunk isn't most people's idea of a happy problem free marriage.

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