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AIBU to not want to send my friend a message.

(5 Posts)
coralpig Thu 17-Mar-16 20:57:46

I have mental health problems- this has been on and off. I don't normally talk about them but recently I've tried to be more open with close friends. 3 weeks ago I had a relapse and hit rock bottom- I had lots of thoughts of ending my own life. I've been put on antidepressants and things are slowly getting better but I'm still quite fragile.

I reached out to my two closest friends (or so I thought). I wasn't asking for anything in particular just telling them that this was going on. One didn't acknowledge it at all- said absolutely nothing and ignored my message.

This friend has had her own mental health problems in the past.

I saw the friend earlier this week having heard nothing from her and she was very awkward around me and the conversation was very strained. She made references to the content of my medssgr (so I know for a fact that it's been seen by her) but didn't ask how my medication is, how I'm doing or apologise for not replying to my original message.

I'm upset and angry but, as she herself has had mental problems and may be going through a tough time (she hasn't told me but has hinted as such to our other friend apparently) I don't want to make a big thing and make her feel bad.

I vented this all to DP and he thinks I should be the bigger person and message her to see how she is and to arrange a lunch date this weekend as a supportive friend.

I don't want to. I think she's been selfish and I'm quite hurt. AIBU?

MadSprocker Thu 17-Mar-16 21:17:23

Try and concentrate on yourself getting better. It might be that she can't spare the emotional energy herself, or finds it too triggering to discuss it. The trouble with MH problems is that it can make your own perspective go haywire been there done that getting therapy for it and you can get focused on the most minor details and worry about them until you have worked yourself up into a paranoid state. I find writing things and thoughts down helps me. Hoping things continue to get brighter for you.

ABitSensible Thu 17-Mar-16 21:24:00

I agree, just a quick message of camaraderie from her would have gone a long way.
Send her a short message hoping all is well and saying you are thinking of her, and leave it at that.
Best wishes with your recovery. flowers

Janecc Thu 17-Mar-16 21:31:52

Firstly I think you should give yourself a big hug. I'm so glad you've taken steps to help yourself and didn't hurt yourself. I wonder if your friend is overwhelmed by what you told her. Perhaps she is struggling to know what to say and is avoiding the situation. Perhaps she feels guilty for not seeing you are struggling. Perhaps she is too involved in her mental health issues to be able to give you the care you need. There may be 101 reasons why she's ignored your message. I have learnt what people do or say (or don't do or say) says more about them, than it says about you. It is highly unlikely she got up today or any other day and said to herself. I know I'll ignore coralpig. That'll make me feel better.
I don't think it's about being the better person. Such thoughts bring competition and I think neither of your need that or any problems. You could perhaps tell her when you see her that you are confused as to why she didn't answer your texts saying you're ill. Perhaps you could also add that even if you feel confused it's ok for her not to have responded because she's your friend and you care about her. This lets both of you off the hook whilst telling her you care about her. As she is your friend, it is highly likely that she cares about you too.

RockUnit Thu 17-Mar-16 21:34:15

she hasn't told me but has hinted as such to our other friend apparently

I'm not sure whether you mean she hasn't told you about any of her mental health problems, or just that she's currently having a hard time?

For some reason it seems she doesn't feel able to tell you about her current problems. Perhaps she feels she can't support you, as she has her own problems yet feels unable to ask for support. I also agree with MadSprocker that perhaps she finds it all too triggering to discuss. I don't think she's being selfish, just finding things hard, and this affects different people in different ways. Perhaps if she's reluctant to talk about it, she's feeling embarrassed or stigmatised by having a mental illness.

You're under no obligation to "be the bigger person" or arrange lunch to be supportive. You need to be looking after yourself for now, until you're feeling much less fragile. Then you may have the energy to be able to support others. Are you able to look for support from any other friends or relatives?

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