AIBU to think my parents expect too much?....(25 Posts)
First post and I was interested to read a similar thread by a lady wondering if her partners Mum is a bit too involved...
Anyway, I have a similar issue. I'm 28 and DH is a year older. We recently moved from London (loved it) to semi rural Wiltshire. My parents live down the road. Now let e start by saying that they're wonderful - we're a very close family, parents go above and beyond for us and are beyond generous with their time and money. At the end of the day, they jus want to spend time with me and that's why I feel guilty even writing this.
Since we moved (early Dec), we've had 101 things on, what with being back in London (where we still work), having friends over to stay, going away to see friends etc etc that we haven't seen them as much as I think they expected that we would. For context, we've been for lunch on sunday probably 4 times since we have lived here. They have been to ours twice for dinner. I see my mum mid week sometimes and I have been to stay at theirs probably 5 times on nights where DH works away.
They've started to be abit snidey saying they never see me. We're awful piss takers in our family and they constantly make jokes about it. I take offence and disagree and they say "I cant take a joke" but it isn't meant as one. I do feel that im still treated like a child by them and im not sure how to balance my expectation. We've never been to DH's parents for xmas (always mine) and it came into conversation the other day. I said its about time we spent xmas at his pars and she got v shirty and said "the girl always goes to her mum's" and this is very much her attitude. I don't doubt that they love my DH but I do feel that my mum is sometimes jealous of him and likes to think that he is somehow not as en on seeing them al the time which is why we're not visiting them every 5 minutes. This of course isn't the case but I don't understand that she cant accept that my life doesn't revolve around her.
AIBU? Has anyone else ever been in this position and what did you do? I feel like I constantly have to justify everything I do since ive moved here.
sorry littered with typos - keyboard not working properly!
December, January, February, March. In four months you've spent the night at theirs five times, you've met up for lunch four times, you've had dinner together twice, and you also see your mum mid-week. That seems like plenty to me!
Are they really lacking in friends/hobbies/work activities?
Seems like they see you as their sun, moon and stars. A bit much, and I'm sure it's a lot for you to deal with.
Sounds like enough for me too to be honest, but I can imagine my parents' might react similarly to yours if we lived that close, and DH's mum literally thinks the whole world revolves around her and that we should spend every minute of the day at her beck and call. I think just let the jokes go over your head and ignore them. It's your life, you're an adult. I feel that my parents' (although my dad in particuler) and DH's mum both infantilise me and DH. We are younger than you but married and adults and have lived together and away from our family homes for a good few years now. I think it can be hard on parents' seeing their children grow up especially if they were like my parents' and DH's mum i.e. so desperately invested in everything their children did with little other life outside of them. Also, I am the eldest and DH was the first to move out of the family home, do either of those things apply to you? Because I think it means we get the brunt of that stuff to be honest, as parents have had time to adjust when it comes to the next set of kids moving out and doing things etc. Anyway, don't feel guilty, see them when you want to, it's your life, you do what you like, if they can't treat you like an adult that's their problem, you don't need their permission for anything, and all the same I'm sure they love you loads.
the girl always go to her mum's
Does she also say, by any chance, - a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life - ?
That's loads! So you have a ds? If so I think you should him as an example about Christmas, I think you have been a bit unfair in your dh family regarding christmas.
Your mum sounds like a very jealous person and I think you need to be a bit more assertive with her
How stifling. It seems you see them plenty. Why do you feel the need to stay with them when your DH is away? Isn't that reinforcing a childlike reliance on them?
I'd be a little concerned about this with regard for the future.
BIL and SIL live next door to PIL and after the novelty of free childcare on tap has worn off over the years as their DC get older, they are feeling increasingly resentful of the constant encroachment and over involvement of every aspect of their lives. How much more involved will your parents be if you decide to have children? And your poor MIL never having you both for Christmas.
I would try to withdraw slowly, and if you really are a close family as you claim, then you will be able to talk to them honestly about your feelings.
The thing is that as adults, you get to live your life as you see fit, but you can't then get other people to agree with you. So your parents may think you don't see them enough - so? Do you agree with them? Is it that you feel your dh or your dh's family pull you away from them?
If not, and it's really OK with you (and it sounds more than adequate from my point of view) then do start to take their comments as a joke. Preparing a few comebacks can help. 'whinge whinge whinge mum, have you written to the local paper about it yet?' 'think yourself lucky we haven't moved to Australia' 'if we were round here every two minutes you'd be moaning to all your mates about us freeloading off you'. If they expect you to stand up for yourself, do it.
Set your boundaries now OP, or they will think that they are more important than your in laws always, and as the mother of two grown sons It makes me sad to think that once they marry I may rarely see them again if my Dil's have parents like you.
Once kids come along they will only get worse.
YANBU. Nip it now. Tell them it's not funny, you're close enough to know they're not joking, and it stops now. They should be proud they raised a daughter who is independent and has a life of her own, proud. And that means letting go and acknowledging you're allowed to decide for yourself how you will be spending your time.
And tell your mom no more BS about their needs being more important than your ILs solely on account of the fact that you are their daughter, will be acceptable. It's untrue, unkind and unfair to think this way.
Seriously, nip it now and set some firm boundaries before you have children of your own.
I totally understand this! If I didn't see my parents (when they were alive) everyday or every other day then I got guilt tripping phone calls asking if I'd fallen out with them! I toes the line and visited a lot just to keep the peace, but now that they are gone I'm glad that I spent the time with them. Even if it did drive me to distraction at the time.
It does not really matter which set of parents are the most visited, the main thing is that both sets of parents should be equal.
Yes I understand this. My mum is the same with me. We can't spend Xmas without her. It's hard because my mum is single too. My brother has no kids so he gets off Scot free...I have no advice to give but will be following.
I agree with others...six dinners in 3 months is what ? every other week ? and staying over night. That's quite a lot, dont let them get away with sniping
I think you see them more than enough and need to take what they say with a pinch of salt. When we got married we decided to spend christmas day on our own (that way pissing off all of them), but we did spend christmas eve with my parents and boxing day with ils. Now my daughter 26yo has moved in with boyfriend and for the past 2 years i have told her to do whatever suits her but it would be nice to see her and bf, so no pressure and so far she has chosen to spend the day with us and her bf comes to us after seeing his family. Good luck with them.
Tell them to look for some new material if they want you to find their jokes funny. Honestly, I get it. DH's family is a bunch of pisstakers and that's fine, I love a good joke, but if the same jokes about the same issues are being made it's obvious they aren't jokes anymore (or never were). And your parents seem VU if they expect you to spend time with them at every opportunity just because you live nearby. Tell them to take up pottery or cross stitching if they're bored.
OP possibly my thread you spotted previously!
So not much advice to give but plenty of empathy
Funny though that the responses you are getting here are quite different to mine. Maybe because you are talking about your own parents.
Following out of interest...
Its time they adjusted their expectations. Next time they make one of their 'jokes' just reply that you are a married adult and have your own life now but will continue to see them at roughly the same intervals you do now if you can. I don't think it needs to be made into a big thing. Unless they are batshit
like many parents and I laws discussed on here, they will slowly adapt.
Re Christmas, drop it in fairly early that yes,nthis year you will be going to your I laws. Use this as a chance to ensure that nobody gets too fixed in routines because if you hang around here for long you will learn it never goes that well. .
I think you see your parents plenty enough!! I've pretty much always lived very close to my parents and we certainly never lived in each others' pockets! Do your parents have a life of their own or do they sit about waiting for you to visit? If the latter, you may want to encourage them to get out more.
And I think you need to make definite plans to spend this Christmas with your DH's family then start alternating years.
I was v v v lucky in that my parents and my iLs were both wonderful and they both lived nearby. Both sets of parents were included in holidays & birthdays. DH's family traditionally celebrated on Christmas Eve, mine on Christmas Day. The iLs invited my parents to theirs and my parents invited my iLs.
They're all gone now except for Mum, who has dementia & is in care. Every year (and every thread) I realize how very lucky I was to have family on both sides who were un-jealous and just anxious that we all got along.
You're seeing them plenty often enough. Agree time to announce Christmas at the in-laws - always best not to become stuck in some sort of
nightmarish Christmas rut.
The girl always goes to her Mum's
I really don't wish to be rude about your Mum but she sounds like a selfish narcissist.
If I were you I would
be threatening to move tell her firmly that her little digs aren't funny and remind her that you are an adult and can choose how to spend your time how you wish and with who you wish. Also ask her does she realise how lucky she is to have a DC live near her.
I think you will need it
then start alternating years.
Don't, because once you start, it's hard to get out of. Do what you want for Christmas: at home, on holiday, with the set of parents that provide decent food and drink, whatever you want. Don't feel you have to have Christmas where you don't want to.
Did your mum REALLY insist on going to her mums every Christmas when you were kids????
Aargh yes, tough to cut the apron strings with a mother like this. Sounds like you need some firm boundaries otherwise she will want to practically longer with you if you have children. Definitely the inlaws turn if you want to be with them - what does your other half think of this?
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