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more of a wwyd

(58 Posts)
Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 08:58:19

Posting for traffic.

What do you do when your child comes to you with a request/demand which you can't fulfil , then - because they don't like the answer, stand in front of you repeating it over and over. My dd does this, arguing and arguing for whatever it is she's asked for, then when I eventually crack and tell her to go away or leave the room, she refuses. I find that the only way to handle it is to leave the room myself to get away from it. She then follows me around the house , screeching.
She is 9.

thewavesofthesea Thu 17-Mar-16 09:16:03

I would do exactly as you do, ignore and walk away. Don't engage at all, even at the start, explain clearly once why you cannot fulfil the request then ignore. Works with my 6 year old (boy) most of the time. No point in arguing.

It is really hard though, but while they are begging/screeching then remind yourself that the more you stand firm, the less likely they are to do this again.

My 4 year old is more challenging, both because he is younger, and because he is more determined then his brother! Even so, not giving in to him gets through eventually.

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 09:23:19

Thanks. It's the refusal to move that gets to me. She even blocks my way. I hate that she forces me out of my own room sometimes because a she's made it impossible for me to stay there

goldierocks Thu 17-Mar-16 09:24:04

My cousin whips out her mobile and gives her DD (age 12) gets a 10-second warning....if she doesn't stop, her behaviour will be recorded and shown to her friends/first boyfriend/at her birthday party/wedding.....

She's never had to record hersmile

MammaTJ Thu 17-Mar-16 09:31:02

I ask my children to remind me of when the last time their nagging got them their own way! They always reply 'It hasn't'. I then tell them the only thing they are going to achieve is making me cross and that a cross Mummy is not a good thing. They might ask once more just to make sure but they usually stop!

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 09:48:22

When my dd is that mode though, it's less of a nag and more of a screech, it's really relentless as well so could literally go on forever and I end up feeling so so stressed.

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 09:52:43

I think I need to find a way to get out of the cycle we are in, because as soon as she starts screeching , I tell her to leave the room and screech elsewhere. This is becomes a power struggle as she won't move. My DH then gets involved and tries to argue with her about what she is doing. What ALWAYS ends up happening though, is that it always ends up being about Dd's behaviour around the argument, rather than what she did in the first place. So for example , she ends up causing so much upset by the refusal to move/screeching/screaming and shouting, that THAT is what we focus on. DD is a master manipulator as well and my DH falls for it. He allows himself to get drawn into it. I end up flabbergasted as how well she can tie him up in knots.

FauxFox Thu 17-Mar-16 09:56:11

What kind of things is she asking for?

biscuitkumquat Thu 17-Mar-16 10:01:48

My DS is a master at this.

I used to have a pair of headphones that were close by, and just plug them into my laptop, put them on, and just pretend I couldn't hear him. Obviously I could still hear him, but because he was getting no attention at all, he used to get bored. Then after he'd finished his tantrum (because that's what it was), he would get punished for acting in that manner.

He still does it occasionally now, but he's getting better.

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 10:04:36

It could be anything from a playdate at our house on that day, to a hair braid that I can't do due to time restrictions. She's prone to using emotive language, such as ' so you don't care about me then? Or for example, she didn't want to have her hair cut recently (it was badly split) so she said all sorts , such as 'why do you want to cut all my hair off? ( it was a trim!)
She will really really exaggerate or downright lie about what I've actually said or explained to her

MangoBiscuit Thu 17-Mar-16 10:17:28

When DD1 pesters/wheedles/bargains etc and refuses to accept a no, I push back the other way. Wants sweets for pudding when we're having yoghurt? After too much pestering, one warning, then she gets no pudding at all. Whining for a sleep over after a play date? Play date cancelled, or shortened.

I also explain why I've said no, once, clearly but briefly, then just repeat that I'm not changing my mind on this. We don't get to the warning part too much anymore (although I fully expect to have another bout of it sometime)

Buzzardbird Thu 17-Mar-16 10:20:55

So what are the consequences for this behaviour?

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 10:32:52

I guess I've tried early bedtimes, removal of television and iPad time, . She doesn't do it often enough for it to be weekly or anything but it's certainly formulaic. I haven't probably been consistent enough either .

FauxFox Thu 17-Mar-16 10:33:27

Has she always done this or is it recent? It's hard to understand exactly what's happening...with the haircut did you tell her she was having x amount cut off or ask her how much she would like cut off? It sounds like she might be trying to take some control (in a really annoying, ineffective way) over her life.

If she wants a hair braid and you don't have time to do it so refuse how is there time to hear all the screeching? Can she learn to do her own braids?

With the playdate requests can you agree to arrange it for a suitable time instead of a straight 'no'?

I am not saying you should dance around doing everything she wants, not at all, just that picking your battles will make life more harmonious. Sometimes agreeing stops the fuss and they don't even want the thing anyway - DD used to go on about getting her ears pierced so I said 'NO problem - we'll do it at the start of the summer hols' That was about 3 years ago (she's 11 now) and she's not asked since grin

Buzzardbird Thu 17-Mar-16 10:35:21

If you are not being consistent though she has learned that if she keeps on at you that you will eventually cave. It's not too late though to be more thorough with the next consequence.

Set a period for consequence day/week whatever and stick to it.

BathshebaDarkstone Thu 17-Mar-16 10:36:02

Send her to her room to read for 20 minutes. It resets their mood.

Seeline Thu 17-Mar-16 10:39:03

You've said no, she asks again.
"I've said no, will you behaving like that change my mind?"
Then ignore - just carry on with what you were doing. Don't speak about it again.

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 10:44:07

My dd will NOT go to her room. I'm ashamed to even type that out. She just stands there crying and screeching her POV on a loop. I issue warning after warning that she has xyz seconds to go upstairs , but she doesn't go until after maybe the 7-8 minutes have passed and even then, she only goes as far as the last stair outside her room. She absolutely needs me to hear her indignation , and that won't do if she's tucked away in her room.

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 10:51:35

In reply to the question about what she's asking for - some of it is RIDICULOUS, as in, she's old enough to know that while it might be unfair - nothing can be done about it.
A while ago it was about a pair of school trousers she wanted to wear, but they were in the washing machine. There was absolutely nothing I could do at the time but she just stood in front of me, crying, sobbing and flailing about the pair that I had made available, insisting that they were too small/not nice/uncomfortable/the wrong ones.
I literally could not provide a solution to that problem, and the truth was - there was absolutely nothing wrong with the trousers I provided- she just wanted the ones that she couldn't have.
That, to my mind is the logic of a very very you child, yet somehow my dd , at her ages is still engaging me in these kinds of arguments. In that instance I tried reasoning, then saying she could wear what she wanted, then asking her to leave the room , to then having to walk away myself as she refused to go. In these episodes she will act like a teen, with a stock of phrases such as 'did I say that though? Why am I doing wrong? Why don't you want to want to help me get dressed for school? Why don't you care about how I look? Why haven't you done any washing? Why are you putting words in my mouth?
Ad infinitem

Buzzardbird Thu 17-Mar-16 10:57:11

Does she get a lot of attention when she is behaving acceptably?

guerre Thu 17-Mar-16 10:59:03

Mine will do that - swear black is white. I think it's a vestige from earlier childhood, whereby children think that if they say something aloud, it makes it real, thus they do it a lot.
I'm sure her behaviour is hormonal, and thus will pass one day.
Keep reiterating your expectations of behaviour and how people in your home treat one another. She'll get it eventually.

RoganJosh Thu 17-Mar-16 10:59:46

Mine would be on the bottom of the stairs for two minutes. If she refuses to go then it's a longer time. If she still refuses then it's a privilege removed - brownies, going to grandma's.

Chippednailvarnish Thu 17-Mar-16 11:01:49

You sound like you have totally lost control of her behaviour. I would sit her down when she wasn't arguing with you and explain that the next time she misbehaves you will take a black bin bag and start emptying her room.

Then if she does it again, follow through. No arguing, no backing down. She only gets her stuff back when she apologies and does what she is told.

springydaffs Thu 17-Mar-16 11:03:31

If you keep talking to her you keep it going.

Castasunder Thu 17-Mar-16 11:04:22

Chipped- my dd isn't interested in 'stuff' . Honestly . That's why it's hard to find something that will actually mean something to her.

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