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To ask partner to prioritise us

(75 Posts)
octobersunshine Thu 17-Mar-16 08:53:17

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my first baby. The pregnancy wasn't planned and it was a very difficult decision for me as my boyfriend and I live in separate cities. I will be moving to where he is, giving up my job and life in London. My boyfriend hasn't acted wonderfully and his natural inclination isn't to consider other people's feelings. I thought we'd been getting past this and he's assured me he's committed etc. Then I find out he's booked a 4 week road trip in America with his mates when the baby is 10 weeks old. He's already got a ticket for Glastonbury which is when the baby will be possibly about 2 weeks old. I've asked him to consider not going as its a week away when the baby is so young plus then recovery time. He basically told me to get lost. I want him to understand that his baby is only 2 weeks old once and he can go to Glastonbury any time, and he's been the past 5 years. I want him to put me ahead of drugs and partying for once. Everyone I've spoken to said they thought he'd cancel it without being asked, or that any normal father would do. Am I being unreasonable to ask for this?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Thu 17-Mar-16 08:55:41

No, but you would be unreasonable to give up your life in London now you are armed with this knowledge

ctjoy103 Thu 17-Mar-16 08:56:21

Well the sensible thing to do is not give up your job and financial independence to go live with him. That would be really stupid of you to do. He doesn't sound like he'll be a supportive partner let alone good father, don't go running after him. And don't make the mistake of thinking he will 'change' once the baby is here.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Thu 17-Mar-16 08:58:55

What Mum said. Don't move to be where he is - unless it's a much better place to live, with good employment prospects, you'll bitterly regret it.

curren Thu 17-Mar-16 09:00:31

Yanbu. But don't move.

You shouldn't have to ask him not to do these things. Some people wouldn't mind him going away, but he should be speaking to you even if you were fine with it.

Glastonbury when the baby is two weeks? What if you go two weeks over due?

You should not move for someone you have to ask to put your child ahead of drugs.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 17-Mar-16 09:02:06

The good thing is he's shown you who he is very early on, so you know that he's not going to be considerate and supportive and will have to make your own plans on that basis

Don't leave your job and life in London for this twat

Penguinepenguins Thu 17-Mar-16 09:02:30


he needs to grow up quick smart and support you.

Are you sure you want to give up your life in London? It's difficult moving away from friends/family and if he's going to be like this your going to be on your own a lot anyway?

I moved from London to a smallish town to be with DP & his DC (has full custody) and have felt incredibly lonely at times I knew nobody it's been difficult to meet new people and my DP is incredibly supportive! All my friends in London disappeared on me, it's like once your out your out.

I'm not trying to upset you and your friends/situation might be very different to mine and you might know people where your going but it was hard for me with a supportive partner - so really consider if it's the right thing for you...

But you are certainly not being unreasonable you should be supported and no he should be going off to friggin sit in a tent when that baby is 2 weeks old.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Mar-16 09:03:19

Stay where you are. This relationship sounds like it isn't going anywhere.

Penguinepenguins Thu 17-Mar-16 09:04:10

And whatever you do don't give up your job... You do not want to be dependant on this person, and he won't change when the baby comes along he would have already changed if he was going too.

suspiciousofgoldfish Thu 17-Mar-16 09:05:07

Gaaah!! Don't move OP!

YANBU in the slightest. This man will more than likely be a terrible partner to have a child with.

Sorry. Do you have any family/friends near?

SparklesandBangs Thu 17-Mar-16 09:06:18

Will you be receiving maternity pay and leave?
Are you in a financial position to keep the place you are living in now and is it suitable for a baby?
Do you like your job/career?
If you can answer yes to these the yanbu to ditch the boyfriend or at the very least to move to his town for a period to see if he wants you and the baby in his life. Right now that does not appear to be the case. Sorry if this is a bit harsh.

ctjoy103 Thu 17-Mar-16 09:06:37

He basically told me to get lost.

I want him to put me ahead of drugs and partying for once

He's telling you loud and clear that he has no intention of being a good father or partner. Please don't run after him trying to get him to change. You can expect that he should contributes financially to the baby, but forcing him to do what you want is going to make you miserable.

SchnooSchnoo Thu 17-Mar-16 09:07:01

Do not move in with him! You will end up resenting the fuck out of him. He is not expecting to change his life at all. You will be the one accommodations all the baby's needs. Don't do it.

expatinscotland Thu 17-Mar-16 09:07:20

What Mum said. Do not give up your job and financial independence to live with this man. That would be a very poor move.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Thu 17-Mar-16 09:08:17

What all the others have said..don't move! thanks

Birdie85 Thu 17-Mar-16 09:10:15

Sounds like he's not interested in actually being in your lives; at least he's made it clear now rather than once baby is here.

I wouldn't be giving up my life in London to move to be with him. Look after yourself and maintain your independence. Do not settle for a loser who can only think about drink and drugs rather than his responsibilities. Glasto when baby is 2 weeks old?! Not a chance. The baby could be overdue... would he stay home if you were in labour on the day he's due to go away? Would he bring you home from hospital and bugger off for his lads weekend and leave you to care for a tiny baby on your own?

DaggerEyes Thu 17-Mar-16 09:10:30

I'd consider simply cutting him out of your life. Don't put him on birth certificate. You will honestly, honestly be better off alone.

TheCrumpettyTree Thu 17-Mar-16 09:22:20

He is not going to give up the drugs and partying, this is not going to happen.

Don't move, don't give up your life. You'll regret it and feel like you are trapped when you have a newborn and a selfish bf who won't give up his party life style. Don't put yourself in this situation.

MiniCooperLover Thu 17-Mar-16 09:25:08

The message is very clear. He does not intend his life to change one bit. And if you move to be with him you will be stuck there once the baby arrives. Do not leave London and do not resign from your job!

maydancer Thu 17-Mar-16 09:28:50

When people tell you who they are, LISTEN!!

acasualobserver Thu 17-Mar-16 09:29:57

his natural inclination isn't to consider other people's feelings

People's natural inclinations are very difficult, some would say impossible, to change.

elementofsurprise Thu 17-Mar-16 09:31:05

Echoing other posters - do not move for this man. (And why are you the one expected to move? Why doesn't he?)

If you're hoping he'll change, clutching at straws for evidence he really cares/will be a good dad, hoping you can be a family together... sorry, it sounds like that is never going to happen. Better to go it alone from the start, surrounded by people you know, in the place you call home, than chasing after this idiot. You'll want to enjoy your new baby, not deal with his crap - don't let him ruin this special time. If he wants to be involved, let him take the initiative.

Do not give up ANYTHING for someone who thinks partying is more important than their newborn.

Good luck and congratulations flowers

Bunbaker Thu 17-Mar-16 09:32:28

If you weren't pregnant would you still be with him?

CigarsofthePharoahs Thu 17-Mar-16 09:36:40

I'm going to join in with the others - DON'T move, DON'T give up your job. He's shown you quite clearly what he thinks, so please pay attention to that.
It will be tough on your own - though there's a massive support network of women on this website - but I predict that it will be a whole lot tougher if you try and stay together with him.
Please op, call time on this relationship as it sounds like he already has.

Ouriana Thu 17-Mar-16 09:38:22

Of course you qre not being unreasonable to ask, but you have asked and hos reply was to tell you to get lost.
You cant change him or make him put you and your child first so now you need to decide what to do next. Do you really want to move away from your home, work and friends to live with a man who is showing you how little he prioritises you?

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