MIL is 80 and lives alone. I think she suffers from depression, but her DC don't seem to feel able to discuss it with her. Her DD describes their family approach to things as 'sweep it under the carpet'. She is very isolated; won't try join groups or meet people. Gets very little exercise or fresh air. I learned recently that she uses her car now to drive one block from her house to get milk, because she gets out of breath walking that distance. She is overweight, but not massively I don't think. I never think of her in those terms but DH worries she is. I talk to DH about this but would never interfere with her DCs relationship with her.Â
Anyway, we live in a rural village and MIL lives in a city about 45 mins drive from us. I have a 1yr old and a 4 yr old - both born after I turned 40.Â
Last year I learned MIL was considering selling her city home (a ground floor property, no stairs) and buying a new build double storey home in a village maybe 5 mins from us. No one told me about this, including DH, until she was viewing plans and 'deciding '. Apparently she'd like to live near a field and not a street.
I panicked. I have a number of  concerns. Many of them selfish which is why I'm not sure if IABU.
First, she's 80 and I think stairs are an issue. Even DH and she see this as temporary before she moves into her 'old age' type home where she'll get more support. Problem is, I think she's at that 'old age' age now, especially hearing she can't walk one block.
The re-sale value of the village house later won't translate into funds she can use to move back into the city later. I'm worried she'll be trapped here, next door to me.
Bus service to town is very infrequent and unreliable. I don't think she should be driving much longer. She's already hazardously slow on the road.
Nearest hospital is an hour away in a car, so 2 hour round trip. And she's 80.
And this is the selfish bit. I suspect she thinks she'll see my DCs more often. I am craving spare time. I want to re-train and start working again. I don't want to accommodate expected increase in regular visits when I'm struggling for time already and they are unavoidable when she'd be so close. I feel my freedom closing down already, and it feels bloody unfair. DH takes them to see her weekly at the moment.
DH works in town and all her family are there too. I don't want to be the point of call to check on her or give her lifts or any of the myriad things, just because I am near-by. And at her age and her health, I really expect that to happen pretty soon.
My gut feeling us her DD wants to move away, and is trying to pass care on (they are close and see each other all the time). I can't fill that gap. We're not close. FIL was toxic, and although he has died and she isn't toxic, it still affected our relationship because I kept my distance. I know she thinks I should have tolerated him regardless, and she is silently disapproving, and always always finds a way to bring me down. Whenever I'm with her I wait for the comment and almost feel relief that she's made it and hopefully it's out the way for the rest of the visit.
AIBU to want her DCs to dissuade her from this move. I feel ill about it. I feel it could really ruin my life. There. Selfish.
AIBU?
To be worried about MILs plans
have2nc · 17/03/2016 08:39
Really feel for you. How soon is this happening? Realistically, you won't be free to take a breather before retraining til your kids are 3 and 6, right? Unless you have childcare funds in place. Also assume she cannot take the kids at her age to give you some time off/start retraining.
I would start off working out what your plans are for the next five years...if you are continuing as a SAHM totally unfairly you are going to be seen as available. Having got kids of similar age (5 and 2) I am well aware of what you currently do and what you crave.
Here, have some choc and a cuppa. 
I think you need to tell DH to stop ostriching: one friend in a village is not going to cut it. Has the sister who is close to her got kids? Does she feel it is now her brother's "turn"?
OP
I could almost have written your post, slightly different family details, but the gist is the same. PP have given really good advice about boundary setting and being clear with your DH and his family about what you're prepared to do and not do.
However, I'm sorry to sound negative, but none of that will really matter if she makes this move and you're the only one to hand. If she rings you cos she's had a fall, or locked herself out or forgotten where she's parked her car or any of a thousand other mini crises that will happen to an elderly person (never mind the dementia) are you realistically going to be able to hang up and tell her to ring your sil or your DH who might be ages away? Even if you were prepared to do that and stick to your guns, how long before your dh is calling you heartless and arguing with you because he's stressed and tired and doesn't understand why you can't help out more? You of course can remind him of the discussions you're having now, but really, when his mother is deteriorating, and he's having to deal with it, your relationship with him is going to suffer and you will end up in exactly the position you don't want to be. Either as a part time carer or with mil living in your house/granny cottage.
It's not being cruel to be realistic about who you are and what you can handle. Spell out to your DH that they need to explore other options, or he could be looking at being divorced or with a deeply unhappy spouse in a few years. If he cares less about your happiness than about his own inability to talk to his own mother and sister, then you have a big DH problem.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I feel like I can see exactly where this is going and you're going to get shafted. When it comes to unpaid care work, it's always women who end up doing the lions share, and in this scenario you really shouldn't have to.
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If the plans are on hold until autumn, that is the thin end of the wedge 
Make the most of it. Moving is usually easier in spring/summer anyway so it may not happen in the winter............. If she is not so sprightly, ideas may change in that time. It is probably the 'sweeping it under the carpet' way of dealing with it.
Does DH realise that if he is going to drive to DM's at her bidding, take her to hospital appts etc, that it will mean he does not have time with his family (and you will have to pick up the slack here). This may go on for years.
I would be researching private 'sheltered' housing (some of it is not so sheltered, some of it more communal), health services, all the financial ins and outs of care packages etc (complicated) and dumping it on DH.
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