... to thinks this is a fair way to split the money? Will related.

(29 Posts)
FuriousFate Wed 16-Mar-16 17:29:24

Hi, have NC as this could out me.

DF passed away last year. The estate is to be split equally between me and two siblings.

In the past, me and sibling one had been given some money by DF, me towards my wedding and sibling one towards a uni course. For background, my money was a gift, sibling one's was a loan.

As we are in the process of settling the estate, sibling two has commented that we should try and even things out, ie me and sibling one give him the same amount as we have received before dividing the estate into three. This came about after sibling one said he couldn't afford to pay back what he owed (incidentally £5k, the same as I was given towards my wedding). In some ways, the simplest way to resolve this would be for sibling two to have £5K also before the estate is then divided between the three of us.

I'm quite happy to do this in principal, ie me and sibling one could both give sibling two the equivalent of a third each of the £10k DF has given out in total (the cash would all have to be transferred after the estate is settled in reality as the solicitor will only follow what the will says). However, when I told DM and DSF about this plan, they seemed to think it was a crazy idea and not for me and sibling one to even out (not that it is up to them!).

Extra info to avoid drip feeding... Sibling one is now in the process of buying his own place and wants all the money he can get his hands on. Sibling two is very well off and does not really need his share (tens of thousands in the bank). I'm a SAHM so the money would certainly come in handy for me/my family. DM and DSF have also just given sibling two money towards his wedding, and I suspect this is more than I was given by them to account for the fact that DF is no longer around to contribute also (hence their reluctance for me to try and even things out).

So, wise MNers, what is fair? FWIW, I do think this will lead to a fallout if sibling two doesn't get what he believes to be his fair share.

VimFuego101 Wed 16-Mar-16 17:33:08

I would do it the way you're thinking just to avoid any bad feeling, TBH. It does seem a little unfair otherwise.

curren Wed 16-Mar-16 17:37:18

My dbro has had 50k out of my parents in the last 10 years. Personally I couldn't imagine asking for my extra 50k out of the estate.

What's happened in the past is gone, imo.

lunar1 Wed 16-Mar-16 17:38:18

I think what you suggest sounds fair.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Wed 16-Mar-16 17:40:21

You disperse the estate according your DF's wishes; i.e. in three equal shares. If the loan and the gift of $5k to each of you and your brother is not itemized in the will then there is no reason to adjust the disbursement to account for them. Your DB is being an arse.

FuriousFate Wed 16-Mar-16 17:41:25

It's such a tricky one. Meant to add that the amounts we will all receive ultimately will be relatively small - perhaps £25-£30K? If we were talking millions then this would all be irrelevant. The money I was given was ten years ago too - how far back do you go to settle old scores?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 16-Mar-16 17:42:55

I think evening it up sounds fair. Pay back the 5k each then divide it.

If you went the other way and made sib 1 pay their 5k back first and then divide it - it would feel massively unfair as sib 2 would be rich as Midas.

The whole point now he's dead and can't argue about why he gave sib 1 a loan instead of a gift is irrelevant - you have to be able to move on and live (metaphorically) with each other.

curren Wed 16-Mar-16 17:43:19

Did the sibling get married?

Would your dd have given them the same if they had?

If so its just tough.

FuriousFate Wed 16-Mar-16 17:44:10

Annie - nothing is itemized. I'd feel aggrieved too if I felt that I was losing out somewhat (for want of a better term) like sibling two does. I know DF would have contributed to his wedding if he had been alive. However, the irony is that sibling two is certainly not poor. Sibling one and I are arguably much more in need of the additional funds.

ChicChantal Wed 16-Mar-16 17:45:22

I think what you are doing sounds fair and reasonable. Indeed, honourable.

CheeseAndSprinkleys Wed 16-Mar-16 17:46:15

It is very kind what you are offering to do and it is the sort of thing I would do BUY after what you added I would go with what your DM said. If your sibling is quite well off anyway and not in any financial need they won't miss it.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Wed 16-Mar-16 17:48:05

You are a far nicer person than me, Furious. Absent a repayment clause in the Will, I would be telling greedy DB to pound salt.

BombadierFritz Wed 16-Mar-16 17:49:43

I wouldnt do it. Sibling 2 sounds a pain in the arse. If you do it, tell him your mum is going to put a note in her will about giving you 2 extra to even up for the amount paid to his wedding. Fairs fair after all.

BombadierFritz Wed 16-Mar-16 17:51:25

Did your dp never do anything for db that you didnt get? Car? Holiday? Uni?

FuriousFate Wed 16-Mar-16 17:51:39

Sibling one is not married but had the loan. Sibling two will marry later this year. Both would have been given the same as me (I imagine) when they married, had DF lived, and sibling one would have repaid the loan.

I just want to do the right thing. Sibling one agreed to the evening it all out school of thought until he found out how much stamp duty was. He's starting to waver. He was quick enough to not want to pay back the loan though so I don't think that's right. It will also cause upset all round if I give sibling two some money and sibling one doesn't.

Trollicking Wed 16-Mar-16 17:53:20

I think you should do it as you have suggested. You could do a deed of variation so that DS2 gets an extra £5K

I imagine your DF would have wanted to even things up in the future.

SushiAndTheBanshees Wed 16-Mar-16 17:53:35

I think the sticking point is that sib 2 is getting his wedding money from your DM/DSF's pot. Did you DDad and DM divorce before you were married? Or rather, did the 5k contribution to your wedding come out of your DDad's/DM's pot? Or just your DDad's?

Sib 2 could actually stand to get twice as much as you did towards his wedding (through, seems to me, greed) whereas poor old sib 1 only got a loan (which is now written off, but still).

If I were you, I would give sib 2 what he's asking for with your DM's approval, if forthcoming, as this would keep the peace. Worth it for 2.5k. But I wouldn't forget that he's basically taken money from your DC. If your DM's approval is not forthcoming, I would insist upon a family meeting where everyone agrees, face to face, what to do. It's very easy for people to hide behind texts and emails and passing on of messages. But it's take true balls for sib 2 to say in front of everyone that he wants this money because he feels it's fair, despite what the will says, especially if he's already getting money from you mum.

Money does awful things to people, it really does.

ElsieMc Wed 16-Mar-16 17:56:12

This sort of thing is very difficult. My DF was left a house by a maiden aunt he and a friend cared for until she died. She left it to my dad and friend. But my dad felt guilty about a distant nephew who was moaning and let him have a third share. He felt he may have been accused of helping out for her money, when that was just the way he was with everyone.

I don't think he should have done it because it was not what my great aunt wanted at all as per her will.

If your df had wanted to "even" matters out, then he would have made a codicil to his will. I think you are very decent to offer to forego some of your inheritance but I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I wouldn't and that you should follow what your DF wanted. I wouldn't even have asked.

Your sibling 2 has clearly been helped out for his wedding by your DM so he has certainly not done without parental assistance and I think he is being a bit greedy. Sorry.

BombadierFritz Wed 16-Mar-16 18:04:25

Are you all going to note down monies your mum gives you too??? Starting with his wedding contribution i hope

FuriousFate Wed 16-Mar-16 18:04:44

Sushi - and that's a very good point. Sibling one and I don't know how much sibling two has got from DM and DSF towards his wedding. DPs were separated a long time ago. If it is more to account for less from DF, then he really does have a cheek asking. But then he will feel aggrieved that sibling two got a loan he didn't. But then neither did I! Where does it stop?! Presumably when sibling two marries, DM and DSF might step up again. Which means that by evening things out, by that logic, both siblings will get 'more' than I ever will have done. Seriously, where does it stop? It doesn't help that I'm a natural people pleaser and feel bad upsetting people. Though - would I rather that money went to my kids than my brother? Yes, actually. Neither brother has children.

BombadierFritz Wed 16-Mar-16 18:07:15

Just stick with the will. Bet your sibling is a general pain in the bum and this wont make him any more satisfied. Or get your mum to withdraw her offer and finance the wedding via your dads legacy

FuriousFate Wed 16-Mar-16 18:10:09

Sorry, got my sibling numbers mixed up above but you get the gist.

Dellarobia Wed 16-Mar-16 18:10:40

I agree with Sushi. Your suggestion sounded fair until you got to the bit about him receiving extra from your mum and step dad.

Trollicking Wed 16-Mar-16 18:19:25

Is there any chance of a sit down and chat. It's so much better if everyone discusses it and comes up with an agreement.

Sixweekstowait Wed 16-Mar-16 18:23:24

OP - you are behaving very generously and i hope you enjoy the money you do get and that it helps you - you will enjoy it more for behaving well. i do have to say that i do not as a general principle agree with the notion that the wishes in a will should always be followed. Some wills are drawn up thoughtlessly, carelessly or updating is forgotten. In some cases , the will has been drawn up maliciously to settle scores without thought to the damage that might be done to the relationships of those still living. Also, when a lot of money is involved, its very common and legal to vary a will after death - the cases i know is where money is left by a parent to their adult children who then arrange for some of the money to go directly to their children (grandchildren of person who died). The reason for doing this is to avoid it counting as part of the inheriting parent's estate when they die and so avoid some inheritance task. My PILs inherited £10,000 about 25 years ago and passed it on through this arrangement to the person who they thought deserved it more ( nothing to do with IHT - not rich enough). Whenever they were driving me mad, I always remembered this about them and how honourable that was.

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