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To not chip in for BILs gift

(56 Posts)
PiperChapstick Wed 16-Mar-16 16:53:07

BIL (DHs brother) is a lot a bit of a twat. Won't go into chapter and verse of why, but he's a mysoginistic, rude, ungrateful, selfish and all round unpleasant person.

He never buys cards or presents for birthdays/Xmas, not even for DH and DD, or his sister and nieces/nephews. Even though his mum lost her own mum a few days before Mothers Day, he didn't get her a Mother's Day card (things like that mean a lot to MIL).

The only time we've ever got cards and presents is when he's had a GF and they've clearly made the effort on his behalf. Because most of them have run for the hills before long, we haven't received cards or presents in about 3 years (DD is only 2.5 so has never had one). He has a DD, who we always buy cards and presents for, and last few years BIL has got a card but no present. At Xmas, we opened gifts at MILS and we'd got DNiece (his DD) a tricycle. She loves it and rode it all day, but BIL "couldn't be bothered putting it in the car" so left it. It's still at MILS angry

It's not a cash flow problem with him - he works 40 hours a week a £20ph. His rent is only £400pcm and he only pays £40 a week child maintenance, plus regular bills (before anyone asks, he has told us this before when he's moaning about paying "too much" child maintenance to his ex). Plus he smokes weed like it's going out of fashion, God knows how much that costs. So he's not skint, he's just selfish and thoughtless.

Anyway, he is 35 next week - which DH says is a 'big birthday' hmm - and DH wants us to get him a card and £50 voucher like we did when his sister turned 35.

I've said he can do what he wants, but it's not coming out our joint money, it can come out his own. I don't see why I should fork out for someone who has ignored us and DD for years in the present stakes.

DH says I'm being mean and didn't appreciate my joke that drug dealers don't do vouchers and that's it's only fair as SIL got the same - but SIL is actually a nice person who makes the effort with us all.

AIBU to begrudge BIL and make DH pay for all the voucher - I don't suppose BIL will ever know (or care) that this is how we paid for it. I just get sick of everyone pandering to him when he shows no appreciation back.

EverySongbirdSays Wed 16-Mar-16 16:58:01

Looks like you are stuck in an etiquette situation of having to do for one what you did for the other.

YANBU to not WANT to do it, but I think you know deep down that though he is a twat you kind of have to.

Like you say, he won't know how it was paid for, if you genuinely loathe him so much you really don't want to give him a gift, stay out of it and let DH pay, it's up to DH it's his brother

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Wed 16-Mar-16 17:00:53


AStreetcarNamedBob Wed 16-Mar-16 17:02:31


Xmasbaby11 Wed 16-Mar-16 17:06:07

Yanbu. He sounds like a proper twat and you shouldn't make the effort.

And 35 is not a big birthday!

Oooblimey Wed 16-Mar-16 17:10:17

YANBU and he sounds like the kind of person who really wouldn't notice if you did or didn't get him a gift. Possible comprise to keep DH happy of a £20 voucher?
Also I've never heard of 35 being a "big" birthday.

SouthWesterlyWinds Wed 16-Mar-16 17:11:40

Since when is 35 a landmark birthday?

Oooblimey Wed 16-Mar-16 17:11:41

gringrinXmas Sums it up "he sounds like a twat"! Made me lol!

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad Wed 16-Mar-16 17:12:06

I'd buy a voucher for his DD.....

HazelBite Wed 16-Mar-16 17:14:22

Sorry but you will have to treat his siblings the same (Unfortunately)

I know how you feel each Xmas I send wine , home made Xmas cake and various other bits a bobs to my two SIL's via DH. They both live near each other, one 'phones or texts her thanks, and always sends a little family present back with DH, the other SIL has never even mentioned,thanked, or otherwise or recipricates (not that we want a present back)
But each year I do the same thing, because I'm sure she would be the first one to mention that DH hadn't been round that year with their present but he had been to other SIL round the corner.

AyeAmarok Wed 16-Mar-16 17:15:02


Whatdoidohelp Wed 16-Mar-16 17:18:15

Yanbu at all.

Arfarfanarf Wed 16-Mar-16 17:18:36

I bloody wouldnt.
Why treat a crappy person the same as a nice person?

Give him what he gives you. Hell, give him twice what he gives you.

There is absolutely no reason in the world to continually bend over backwards for someone who doesnt give a shit.

Family clearly means bog all to him.

But then, he's never had to see how that feels, has he?

AndYourBirdCanSing Wed 16-Mar-16 17:22:11

I wouldn't- he can't be bothered with you or your child so I don't think he has to be treated equally at all

OnlyLovers Wed 16-Mar-16 17:24:12

YANBU. There is no 'have to'.

What really decided me on this was that he "couldn't be bothered' taking his own DD's new tricycle home in the car for her. I mean WTF?!?!?

SouthWesterlyWinds Wed 16-Mar-16 17:24:58

How old is your DH and what did BIL buy him for this landmark birthdays?

Timri Wed 16-Mar-16 17:27:23

Nah, fuck him.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge Wed 16-Mar-16 17:28:07

There is no need to treat your DH's siblings the same because they are not the same.

Allalonenow Wed 16-Mar-16 17:28:43


I've never heard of 35 being a special birthday. Stand your ground and let DH buy something himself if he wants to, and he will be able to do it all over again for his brother's 40th birthday, which will be nice for them both. grin

JolseBaby Wed 16-Mar-16 17:29:36

I presume it's being treated as a 'landmark' birthday in the sense that it's the tipping point of closer to 40 than 30?

YANBU. I don't agree that because you did it for SIL you have to do it for BIL. You don't have to buy a present for anybody, it's not compulsory. Gifts are an expression of love, or admiration, or thanks, or apology.

Personally I'd buy him jack shit and if he asked, then I would be quite frank about why. However if your DH feels compelled to buy him something out of duty (which feels like an utter mockery of the whole premise of gift giving), then he can dust off his own debit card and use it accordingly! It's surprisingly easy to say 'no' once you get past the whole obligation issue.

Rafflesway Wed 16-Mar-16 17:31:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JanetOfTheApes Wed 16-Mar-16 17:32:59

Sorry but you will have to treat his siblings the same (Unfortunately)

Looks like you are stuck in an etiquette situation of having to do for one what you did for the other

This is just bollocks, I'm afraid. There is no etiquette that says you must treat people the same, when they don't do the same for you. There is no rule that you have to buy a present for an asshole because you bought one for someone they share genes with who is not an asshole.

If anything you are only encouraging him in his asshole-ness by giving him gifts, and thereby validating his asshole existence.

ChicChantal Wed 16-Mar-16 17:37:32

I wouldn't. 35 is bollocks a landmark birthday. I'd be more inclined to get his little one a £50 gift!

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Wed 16-Mar-16 17:37:35

Yanbu... He sounds like a spoilt brat and since he's turning 35 and not 15 tbh I'd not bother my bum!

StDogolphin Wed 16-Mar-16 17:39:34

Simple, just give him a gift to the same value as the gift he gave you for your last birthday...

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