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Everyone says 'how lucky, what an opportunity' but....

(164 Posts)
Mothpop Tue 15-Mar-16 21:16:45

I may get shot down for how ungrateful I appear...

DH's job is moving to Australia for 2 years in a few months time and we (myself and 2 DDs) are all moving. DH works away during the week and so this will be the first time I have lived full time with DH for 14 years.

We have to pack up our newly renovated home that I love and take some stuff with us whilst leaving the rest in storage. Our lovely cats and chickens will be heading elsewhere. I have always worked full time as a quite well paid, professional and I have had to give up my job. I am giving up everything - my home, my career, my few very important friends. I really feel very down about this.... but in truth I have felt down for much longer.

At the moment all DH and I seem to do is row about the move. He is tired of my misgivings and has basically given up listening to me. He's home for the week ATM but I have barely seem him as I am continuing to look after our DDs whilst he busies himself doing tasks he likes outside. At the same time he constantly goes on about the jobs that I have to do - but clearly can't as I am the childcare. Tonight we're not talking.

I can't help but think this move will be quite literally be make or break for our relationship .... what happens if it's break and I'm stuck on the other side of the world with DDs and have no support network.... ?

AIBU? Am I just a very ungrateful person?

MidnightVelvetthe5th Tue 15-Mar-16 21:20:37

Did you have a say in the original decision to go? Why do you have to be grateful when you are sacrificing so much?

AnyFucker Tue 15-Mar-16 21:22:04

There is no way I would give up my career to do this unless I was 100% behind it myself.

I assume you won't be able to work out there. So stuck at home with no friends/support network while he networks like crazy and has an exciting time doing it ?

I have spent a year in Australia and if you are not happy/completely on board with your situation it will be a same shit/different wallpaper situation. It's not a magical land that soothes all.

Don't break all your bridges back home is my advice at this juncture (since you clearly must have decided you are going along with this whether you want to or not)

Chillyegg Tue 15-Mar-16 21:24:39

Any problems you have at home are going to be magnified abroad, you'll be spending all your time together untill you set your self up. .
It doesn't sound like your on board? Do you actually want to go?

WonderingAspie Tue 15-Mar-16 21:26:37

In your situation I'd have reservations too. Especially as you aren't used to living together anymore. You are giving up a hell of a lot for this move!

We're you ever interested in doing it or was it a case of you felt you had to? Did your DH talk you into it?

Donthate Tue 15-Mar-16 21:26:50

You are right that it will be make or break. We lived in Asia for three years, there were a lot of divorces amongst the expats. It's a case of same shit, different bucket. Only no support network.

Mothpop Tue 15-Mar-16 21:44:25

I did agree to go - and without any pressure from DH. Previous families that have been out for the same reason have really enjoyed themselves. The reality of the move is something else. I theoretically could work part time out there - my qualification is easily transferable - but my career will effectively be over. DH & I have always been very sure that our careers matter equally - and here I am giving mine up and becoming financially dependant upon him. I HATE this idea.
Our relationship is definitely my concern. I don't think we've got a clue how to communicate - he talks to me like I am someone who works for him. - very direct and without much (any?) consideration for my feelings.
This all sounds terrible - I love him - he's working his backside off for his family. I just fear that whilst he's doing this it's all crumbling and this move is going to push us over the edge.

Harriedharriet Tue 15-Mar-16 21:45:15

OP I have moved a lot in the past 8 years with DH and the children. It can be very lonely. Your experience as a couple will be very different as he will be welcomed and celebrated as a new member of the team etc. He will be thrown into a new and exciting professional and social life. As the trailing spouse, regardless of what you did before, of who you were, what you accomplished you are now..... mother. My life shrank to an extraordinary degree. I found it extremely difficult, struggled with my new position/persona and missed having people who knew me. Ironically it is a time when you most need your support network but it will not be there. It put enormous strain on our relationship and we struggled for quite a few years.
However, I think we have crossed the mountain now, we look back at it with a "phew, we survived". I think if you know in advance and accept that most of the sacrifice will be yours, you will be half way there. I would also advise my younger self to get working ASAP, even in a coffee shop. Just to get out and own a piece of it. Good luck, not easy but can be done.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Tue 15-Mar-16 21:54:21

Moth you might want to seriously re think moving to Australia in a marriage that is going through a rough patch - if the worst happens and you do actually break up, you will not be able to bring your DDs back to the UK without his permission. You will then be in a very difficult position if you are not working.

Try posting in living overseas - there will be more people on there currently living in Australia.

HolgerDanske Tue 15-Mar-16 22:06:29

^^ My first thought too, sadly.

theycallmemellojello Tue 15-Mar-16 22:14:58

Why on earth are you moving? I really don't think you should. Can your DH look for a different job? Or will you be able to work out there? This does not sound like a good idea to me. And no you're not selfish - worrying that your DH has made you feel like that.

Lweji Tue 15-Mar-16 22:21:38

I can see his point of view if you changed your mind, but in your place I don't think I'd move.
Why is he going for 2 years? Can't he find elsewhere at home?

Don't become dependent on him in any way.

Phineyj Tue 15-Mar-16 22:21:43

I think you have got a bad gut feeling about this for a reason.

cdtaylornats Tue 15-Mar-16 22:27:29

It's only two years and it might be great. At the worst it'll be warm.

Mothpop Tue 15-Mar-16 22:28:34

I have this fear that I am questioning the move because I'm self-centred and I just don't like it as none of this decision is based around me.
There is no going back on the decision of DH going for the job. If I pull out it'll be marriage over (sooner rather than later?)

lynniep Tue 15-Mar-16 22:30:37

What happens after 2 years OP? Does his job transfer back to the UK, or will you have a big decision to make in Australia?

Footle Tue 15-Mar-16 22:30:53

Do take note of the posters above - you will not be able to leave Australia with your children, without his permission.

Maudofallhopefulness Tue 15-Mar-16 22:32:28

Would his career be in jeopardy if you didn't go? I wouldn't ask my spouse to sacrifice a good career unless they were absolutely sure about it. In your position I wouldn't go and I think he's unreasonable to try to make you.

I've moved somewhere far from friends and family for my DH. I didn't sacrifice my job as I'd been made redundant anyway but I did move hundreds of miles away. I have friends here now but I still regret it 5 years on. I'd move back in the blink of an eye if I could.

ExitPursuedByABear Tue 15-Mar-16 22:34:18

No way would I go.

Scooterloo Tue 15-Mar-16 22:34:35

He is tired of my misgivings and has basically given up listening to me.

This wont get any better thousands of miles away. Feel for you.

Maudofallhopefulness Tue 15-Mar-16 22:35:59

Pull out sooner then. Don't go. Tell him to go and try it on his own. You already live apart some of the time anyway. Do not sacrifice your career for two years of his.

DitsyAndTheGang Tue 15-Mar-16 22:36:43

This may not be a great option, but is there any possibility that he could move out there on his own for those two years, and you and the girls stay put, you continue your job, keep the house, chickens etc.? He could visit every few months, which isn't that different to him working away during the week at the moment. OK, it is different, but you may not miss him as much as if you'd been living together full-time up til now. If you're not getting on well at the moment you may not miss him at all! It wouldn't have to mean the end of the relationship necessarily - it sounds as if you've got an equal chance of it ending if you DO all move together.

It seems to be you who is making all the sacrifices. And it's an upheaval for the children too, though they will probably adapt fairly quickly in new schools, with new friends etc., depending on their age. Are they looking forward to it or not?

But you are the one who may have most trouble finding new friends etc. I once knew a woman who moved abroad as "the wife", and she found it lonely, missed family and friends, and ended up coming back with the children. Her husband returned at the end of his contract there about a year later, and they are still together as far as I know. But their relationship was very strained while they were there because she was unhappy. She is a sensible, intelligent, practical person, so it wasn't just her being pathetic or feeble. She didn't get a job though, for various reasons. If you find a job you have more chance of being happy, as someone said.

Duckdeamon Tue 15-Mar-16 22:37:29

Why on earth would you WANT to give up your career and economic independence for this; and risk legal problems with bringing the DC back should you wish to?

It's not selfish to not go.

neonrainbow Tue 15-Mar-16 22:37:50

Don't go. You sound like you don't want to go.

lynniep Tue 15-Mar-16 22:38:43

I'm asking because the treaty. If after 2 years he wants to stay and you don't, you are up sh*t creek if he won't let you bring the DDs back to the UK. He is holding ALL the cards.
I do understand his side of things. He's exasperated because as far as he's concerned, the deed is done, whereas you are questioning it. Understandably, because it seems you are the one sacrificing everything and he nothing.
So he is huffing and puffing whilst shirking his responsibilities (his children) because in his head, you are unemployed, and therefore now a 'housewife' and therefore your duties include 'looking after the children. worryingly you have said yourself that he speaks to you like an employee.
There is NO compromise with Australia. I returned to the UK 10 weeks pregnant and with no clue if my husband would return as well (he did, 3 months later, but it took him about 8 years to drop the subject) You can't flit between countries (well not unless you're made of money)
I don't envy your position I really dont.

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