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AIBU?

DP's ex is taking his DS and moving away...

45 replies

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 08:59

DP and his ex were together for 4 years. She was physically abusive, not just scratching and slapping but punching and throwing heavy things in his face/at his head.

He left her when their DS was a few months old.

We were friends and started a relationship shortly after. His ex was really angry.

She then moved 300 miles away with DS. This broke DP's heart.

She came back after 8 months as she had to return to her place of work.

18 months later and I am pregnant. DP told her last week and she has just informed DP she is now moving away again (300 miles) and going next week...

DP is devastated. He works full time and DS every weekend, they are very close.

She is on anti depressants and has mental health/anger issues stemming from her childhood. She says she isn't coping but DP feels she is punishing him.

I don't know what to do to support DP, he's in pieces.

She is bu isn't she?

OP posts:

Report

curren · 15/03/2016 09:01

Are you the poster that fell out with him over film?

If so, he suggested it didn't he as he knew she was struggling?

He shouldn't have done that, if it is you.

However he can seek legal advice.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/03/2016 09:03

Can't he apply for an order that stops her moving that far away, especially when he has such regular contact? He needs to go to the CAB or see a lawyer ASAP.

MaudGonneMad · 15/03/2016 09:04

This sounds like the other side of a thread over the weekend

Arfarfanarf · 15/03/2016 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:07

He can apply for a PSO which is a prohibited steps order. This would mean she would have to stay put for 6 months, but he's concerned she isn't very well mentally.

He doesn't want to force her to stay and for her to be unable to care for DS properly.

OP posts:

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:09

He has considered applying for sole custody in the grounds of her violence (she also has a conviction for GBH) and her mental state but feels this would be a bit extreme. He wants his DS to grow up with a mother and a mother who can meet his needs.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 15/03/2016 09:10

If she was abusive and now isn't coping has you dp explored whether the child can live with him the majority of the time? I don't think any child should have to stay with an abusive parent.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/03/2016 09:13

I think it's more important that a child lives with a stable parent. It sounds like it would be better for him to have DS full-time and his mother can have supervised contact if she's violent.

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:13

Yes he could potentially take the case to court. The problem is he doesn't want to put his DS through the trauma of being separated from his mother, or forcing her to stay and DS having to live with a mother who can't cope.

He's trying to put his DS first but it's breaking his heart.

She appears to be a good mother, the violence was aimed at DP and his genuinely believes she poses no risk to DS otherwise he would have stepped in along time ago.

OP posts:

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:14

a long

OP posts:

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:15

What is most upsetting DP is he really feels she is doing this out of spite rather than a genuine reason.

OP posts:

juliej75 · 15/03/2016 09:15

Why would she be better able to care for DS properly if somewhere different? Presumably she has something of a contact network near you if that's where she works - and she'd have far less respite if your DH was no longer looking after their son every weekend.

A similar thing happened to my DH (not the abuse, mental health etc though) and his DS ended up 200 miles away. He always regretted not applying for a PSO, but didn't have time to think it through as he also was only given a few days notice.

If your DH applied for a PSO, at least they could then explore properly what's best for the boy, and how and when contact would be facilitated. Once they're at a distance, you're over a barrel.

Northernlurker · 15/03/2016 09:17

x posted. I can see why your dp would think that but if she cant meet their son's needs then she just can't. A constant father who can plus a stepmum who is committed to the child is a hell of a lot better for the child's life chances than a mother who cannot parent adequately and moves the kid around on a whim.

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:18

She will be moving to be with her family and friends.

She has told DP she doesn't have a support network here....

OP posts:

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:21

Does anyone know how to apply for a PSO with such short notice?

OP posts:

curren · 15/03/2016 09:23

So he doesn't want him to go and doesn't want him to stay?

He needs to make a decision about what he wants.

Are you the same poster? Why did he suggest her going (like you said in your last thread) if that's not what he wants?

SilverBirchWithout · 15/03/2016 09:24

It does sound like her plan is the best for her and the DC then. I suspect your pregnancy has highlighted how isolated she is and the need to move on and rebuild her life away from her ex.

RidersOnTheStorm · 15/03/2016 09:42

Curren, what makes you think this is a previous poster? OP hasn't said she is.

curren · 15/03/2016 09:44

Because the exact situation.

Ex who was violent, moved away for a few months, had to come back for work, is a good mother but is struggling. The father has the child every weekend.

All the details are exactly the same.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2016 09:44

Don't get it. Surely if he was that worried (especially considering DV) why hasn't he gone for custody?

And if her problems stem from her childhood, why is going back to her family a good thing?

BertieBeats · 15/03/2016 09:54

I get the feeling from your posts that going for sole custody isn't an option. If my children was with someone so volatile with mental health issues I wouldn't trust them with my kid (please note ,I said volatile with mental health issues. I believe you can have mental health issues and still be a good parent). Just seems like an excuse not to have his child with you full time.

Mango5000 · 15/03/2016 09:54

What an awful situation & heartbreaking for you all.

However, a couple of years ago during a horrendous time in our relationship I was all set to move back home to my family & friends with ds. 350miles. I was suffering from depression and desperately sad & isolated. We live in DPs town & although I'm more settled now I still don't have a great support network. I'm very close to my family & extended family & quite regularly wish I'd gone through with the move back home. It was never to take ds away from his dad but as the main carer I wanted to feel comfortable and support in order to be the best mum I could be
Didn't go through with it & although through the worst times I still feel sad & lonely with only a few acquaintances here

There will be no ideal solution that will suit everyone. I hope your DP & his ex are able to come to the best agreement for the child though & that may be her being near a decent support network
sorry for the ramble

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:59

He is concerned about her going back to her family, but at the same time knows she'll be happier and therefore a better mother. It does mean him losing his child though.

He doesn't feel she's in any way a threat to DS, apart from in that she isn't coping living here.

I don't think there is a correct answer. She can either live here unhappily, DS can live with us and be separated from his mother who will be in an even worse state, or she can move away and be happy and a better mother but break DP's heart and his relationship with his child at the same time.

OP posts:

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 10:01

Thanks Mango, it must be very hard for you.

He does feel that he primary reasons are spite though, although she won't admit this.

OP posts:

IdealWeather · 15/03/2016 10:35

Tbh she has no hesitation to move away and make a life where her ds will have no father.
Whatever way you look at it, if she moves 300 miles away, either his ds will see very little of his mum or of his dad. I'm not sure one is better than the other and in particular, esp in this case.

Now the question is what is best for the child?
Is it better for him to be with his mum, knowing she has plenty of issues (in particular, if she has a history of violenec and MH issues, is he sure that this will not have some detrimental effect on the boy, eg him being the witness or the victime of said violence or violent outbursts?)
Your posts feel like your DP thinks a child HAS TO be with his mother and that his dad isn't as important which is sad tbh.

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