To un-invite someone never formally invited to DS birthday party?

[centigrade451]

A few years ago I hit it off with a mother at the playgroup when DS1 was there. She is a really nice person, and we have great conversations and we have met up for coffee over the years and I was there for her when her marriage fell apart. She is a friend.

The problem is her four kids are completely feral. She doesn't have a clue how to discipline her children and doesn't even want to. For me, I like her as she is and I am not going to interfere with her child rearing skills, or lack thereof. We have other friends in the same social circle, but her kids don't go to the same school as DS1&2.

We had them over one time (about four years ago when there were just 3 kids). To be fair, one of kids punched DS1 causing a bloody nose, the kids broke some of his toys, kept taking food from the fridge, damaged some breakables on display and then tried to steal souvenirs we got from Disneyland. DH categorically banned them from every coming back and I agreed. My friend was very apologetic. She kind of got the message and never came to the house with the kids again. She only visits during school hours.

I recently visited her house with DS2 and he had a great time. DS2 is having a birthday party at home a couple of weeks ago and whilst I was at their home, DS2 went to my friend and said 'I'm having a birthday party on 19th March, can your kids please come'. Her kids got all excited about it, and I just mumbled something like 'we aren't sure if he is having a party yet'. I hadn't mentioned the party because the kids weren't invited.

The kids are just as feral as they used to be - if not worse, so I knew it would be too much to handle them for the party.

The problem is my friend called me up this morning and said a mutual friend told her the party was this Saturday and she wanted to know what time it was and what kind of present DS2 would like and that the kids were so excited about it. I pretended I was driving and said I couldn't talk and would call her back. I never officially invited her kids - she clearly mistook DS2's excited invitation as a proper one.

I told DH and he is having none of it. He has said, he won't allow those feral kids in the house ever again, especially as it will upset DS1. DS1 refuses to go to their house anymore, because he ends up getting hit. DH has told me to just call back and say there isn't any space for four more children.

I don't know what to say to her and how to say it.

[Lweji]

The problem for me here would be that it was DS2's party. Does he want them to come?
But I think it's reasonable to call and apologise and say that despite DS's enthusiasm, unfortunately there is no space for the four extra children.

If it was only one, I'd invite and watch him/her like a hawk for the benefit of DS1, but four is almost impossible.

[CosyNook]

Say you are really sorry, that there has been a misunderstanding and unfortunately there isn't any more room/places etc, but perhaps you could meet up at soft play another day instead and bring some cake.

As she has 4 kids I think you could get away with this.

It will be chaos without her kids, so do not have them round.

[ctjoy103]

I would just say you have limited numbers and you are also having family over. I do feel a bit sorry for the kids however you are hosting and don't want there to be any problems.

[BertrandRussell]

How old is everyone involved?

[MunchMunch]

I'm a complete soft touch so I would probably say can she come round for whatever time the party starts but after last time (breakages etc) she MUST watch her kids as ds1 is still very upset about the last incident where they hurt him. IF at the party things go wrong - well you tried but she and her kids will have to leave.

I think I'd have to put my big girl pants on at the party.

Good luck!

[Herewegoagainfolks]

Tbf of course she mistook it for a real invite - you didn't correct it at the time.

Why not just be honest? I'm very sorry DH is concerned that there isn't enough space for four more children especially given the various incidents last time you all visited.

It's going to be very awkward but I don't see that you have any choice.

I'm not sure how old DS 2 is but you need to have a word about issuing invites without Mummy's permission.

[centigrade451]

DS1 is 11, DS2 is 7

Her kids are 10, 8, 7 and 4.

Thank you - great advice. I will just bite the bullet and say there was a misunderstanding and that there isn't enough space for four more.

[nocabbageinmyeye]

What ages are her kids, is there one close in age that your ds2 gets on best with ir is closest to that you could call and say they were invited but not all 4?

[GrumpyOldBag]

agree - you should just invite the 7 year old.

One feral kid isn't as bad as 4.

[3luckystars]

I think this will end badly if you say they are uninvited.

If your DH is the one not allowing the children come to your house, then he has to help you out here. Would one of her children be allowed attend? The one that your ds likes?

You could say honestly that your DH doesn't want too many children at the party, so could she just drop the one child over.

I think that's a fair compromise, because your friendship is over if she knows there is a party and they are not welcome.

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

For one reason and another, I genuinely ended up with more kids than I could fit in at one Birthday party, so I rang a couple of mums and say that I was splitting the party, explaining I'd ended with bigger numbers than was ideal - usual house party for one group, outing/soft play thing for the others. Can you dress it up a something like that?

My neighbour has two separate parties every year, one mainly for cousins etc. and older kids.

[centigrade451]

DS2 gets on with the 10 year old the most and the 7 year old is his least favourite.

@firstwetakemanhattan - you have given me a gem of an idea about 'splitting the party'. I will just invite her separately to one of those playcentres where kids turn feral as soon as they walk in the door!

[Italiangreyhound]

I am afraid I would sadly have to say that although ds loved seeing her kids that time that there just isn't room for four more kids.

If she pushes it I would have to say that ds1 was still upset by what happened in the past and it just wasn't what you wanted. It is his home, so although it is his brother's party it is just not fair to include children who hit and steal. Hitting really could come under bullying behaviour and to knowingly invite a bully into a child's home is just not on, for me.

I think in a way by not telling your friend how difficult her kids are, you are being less of a friend. I would want to give her the home truth that while I really like her as she is, and enjoy her friendship, I couldn't cope with her kids in my house.

I think your friend is failing her kids by not bringing them up to be able to be sociable with other kids.

If the kids get on you can meet in the park together or even go to her house if she agrees and your kids get on well, (at least the younger one). You could even have a birthday meal at McDonalds if that would float everyone's boats!

We had an issue with dc's birthday and not wanting to uninvite a friend already invited. We ended up including the friend after I made every attempt to make it all work out well. It all looked fine before-hand and party went well but the one person who caused issues was, you guessed it, said friend!

[Italiangreyhound]

Which one gave your older child a bloody nose? was there provocation and how did it all end? (nosy, I know).

[IdealWeather]

Tbh you should have said something when your ds 'invitted' them. I don't know at the very least, something about the fact there is some space issue and y need to review when you are back home who he wants to invite (or not) and tell your friend you will let her know what is the plan.

I would have taken your DC invitation as an invitation and tbh would have been minted not to receive an invite (or would have asked you at what exactly it is, just like she has done).

[ManneryTowers]

As children we were told to never, ever mention a party to our friends until invitations had been sent out. I remember this being a strict family rule. I couldn't understand why until I had children! May be worth mentioning to your DS not to talk about parties to people unless they are invited.

[BertrandRussell]

There seems to be a lot of "DH says" going on.......

Do you have room for them? Will it cost you anything to have more children?Is it a mixed aged party?

If yes, no,yes, I would say "look, it's a bit awkward, but things got a bit out of hand last time yours came round, and ds1 is still a bit upset about being hit. And a lot of stuff got broken and damaged. They are welcome to come, but you'll have to come too and supervise them because I won't be able to and run the pasty as well."

[pleaseplease]

I think it was a bit unfair of you to take Ds2 to her house. To me, if you never wanted them to darken your doors you shouldn't have taken your kids to hers. There is an unspoken implication that kids at each others houses from now on is fair game. She may have thought you were ready to let the past be bygones.

As well as this you didn't correct ds2 at the time, so I think you have to suck it up. You could suggest meeting at a soft play but I can see why she could get upset about it. Are you prepared for a falling out? Having said that it was cheeky of her to mention it to you knowing that she hadn't had an invite. I imagine that they don't get that many invites hence her chasing this up. You can see why...

[theycallmemellojello]

I get why you don't want them there, but I'm not convinced they haven't been formally invited! they were! Sorry...

[StuffEverywhere]

Very awkward but from what you're saying I can't see how you can accommodate four more kids. I would hate to do it, but I would apologise profusely and un-invite. Unfair on the kids though. Correcting your son there and then would have been the right thing to do - hindsight is a wonderful thing....

[Jinxxx]

I agree you needed to jump in when DS originally made the invitation and say there and then that it simply would not be possible to add another four to the small and mainly family you had planned. You could then suggest a trip to soft play or whatever instead. As it is I think you just need to apologise for DS getting carried away in the heat of the moment, but say that invitations had already gone out and been accepted and you can't manage four more, hope she understands and suggest an alternative outing. She will probably be a bit upset, but if she is not completely blind to her children's poor behavior, will probably be relieved to be given a face-saving excuse.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Wow, your dh enjoys calling children 'feral', doesn't he?

To be clear; did your 11 year old get punched once, three years ago?

I'm not saying you should invite them but it all sounds very dramatic.

She knows there's a party now and she will know it's not a 'split' party when it's just your dc and hers at the soft play.

I would just tell her it's only the 7 year old as space is limited. If she can't make it without the others then she can either drop and go, which I would expect at 7 anyway, or decline.

[Jinxxx]

..PARTY you had planned...

[DinosaursRoar]

I'm not sure you should be calling a child "feral" - they're not cats.

I'd say that you are sorry, all of DC2's school friends have accepted and there's just not space for another 4 DCs, your DC2 put you on the spot by asking them and you assumed not everyone would accept so there'd be space, but unfortunately not. That you couldn't fit in all 4 and don't think it's fair to only invite some, so thought it best if you do something together another time. (out, something like soft play so you can leave if her DCs start being badly behaved).

However, after that, bring back your rule of your DCs not being exposed to hers. No meet up with the DCs, which frankly your decision to take your DC2 to play with children who'd injured your DC1 has caused this problem and if they aren't safe to be in your house, then it wasn't safe to take DC2 to see them. That was an odd choice.

[breezydoesit]

Yeah there are some children is call feral.

What's wrong with telling the truth? Your son has been assaulted by one of her children before

Honestly, don't dress it up. Just tell her exactly why and perhaps she might get the hint that she needs to start working on disciplining her brats children