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Would you/has anyone send their parents to care home

(130 Posts)
Fabmum24 Mon 14-Mar-16 16:03:01

The reason I ask is I'm a mum, and spend my entire day running after them, so I'm thinking my mum did the same for all of us and never complained, and now that she needs us, should we send her on her own to be looked after by strangers. What would you do or have done, I appreciate it.

curren Mon 14-Mar-16 16:11:26

My grandad went into a home earlier this year.

I and his three daughters (my mum and aunts) did all we could. He is a drinker, diabetic and showed signs of dementia.

We all work and I have young kids as well. It wasn't help that his fourth daughter was supplying his booze. He kept falling over drunk. It was decided that he needed sectioning after finding him in the street trying to get into someone's car in his pants, again.

Before they came to remove him from the house he fell over drink and was taken by an ambulance and sectioned at the hospital. He never went home.

Honestly he is far better in the home. My aunt and cousins did make an attempt to bring him drink but that was firmly squashed by the home. He is sober and more sociable.

There is no wrong or right. We couldn't keep doing it between us. It got too much. My mum is also disabled and the toll on her was awful.

It also depends on what they want, are they aware and how much help they need.

Personally I would judge anyone for putting their parents in a home. Most of us would do what we can. But doing enough isn't always possible.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 14-Mar-16 16:12:43

I probably will if I am in that situation, my mum has a personality disorder and I am very much the bad sheep in her eyes so I cannot imagine looking after her if she ever needed that level of care would be in either of our best interests.

ToastDemon Mon 14-Mar-16 16:15:09

We did. My mother got cancer and was incredibly frail and ill, she had been living with my brother but both he and his wife worked full time and the house was entirely unsuitable and miles from medical care (not UK).
She didn't want to go and the conversation was very upsetting but she'd have been dead otherwise. Well, sooner.

MatildaTheCat Mon 14-Mar-16 16:25:52

Its complicated. My mil is living in a nursing home and that was, ultimately, her choice. In fact, she could easily have stayed at home with very regular carers but my FIL made that impossible due to his severe anxiety. So very difficult indeed.

Very few people can or even should devote themselves to the care of another person full time in the long term. Ill health in old age can last a very long time. During that time the older person becomes more and more unwell while the family struggle more and more. The a crisis often happens forcing a decision to be made which might be better made when there is no crisis.

The fact that a mother looked after her DC selflessly does not, IMO automatically mean her DC should give up jobs, family life and even their own health to care for their parent. It just doesn't work that way. Better sometimes to select the best possible care facility and ensure that visits and contact are regular and kept regular.

There are usually options such as home carers before a care home is needed but with degenerative conditions one might as well be realistic and plan for this as an outcome.

Sorry. sad

iseenodust Mon 14-Mar-16 16:29:34

MIL is in a nursing home. The decision was taken out of our hands after a particularly bad spell in hospital.

Mrsnippycat Mon 14-Mar-16 16:29:34

My Gran spent her last few months in a home. She was so well cared for, well fed, encourged to keep moving and to join in with activities and she had company whenever she felt like it. She adored the care staff and they adored her. She had visitors every day, but it was reassuring to know someone was just a buzzer away if she needed or wanted anything. And her being there was an absolute godsend when she - and we all - had to deal with a tragic loss. Shortly after that, at the end of her life, the staff were magnificent and kept her so comfortable.

Care homes get a bad name, and I'm sure some deserve it, but if you find the right place it can be exactly the right thing to do.

DrDreReturns Mon 14-Mar-16 16:30:00

I agree with MatildaTheCat My Grandfather went into a care home at the end of his life. It was the right decision imo. I know it's called 'second childhood,' but caring for an elderly relative isn't the same as bringing up a child.

Buckinbronco Mon 14-Mar-16 16:32:43

Well it depends doesn't it? I couldn't send them to a home just because they were old but when people need specialist care there isn't much choice.
i don't have the skills and my home doesn't have the equipment to care for someone with medical needs. I wouldn't be likely to do a good job which I think is cruel.

Buckinbronco Mon 14-Mar-16 16:33:36

Or what Matilda said far better than i

MushroomMama Mon 14-Mar-16 16:34:28

My fil went into a home when he started going missing and breaking things due to his Alzheimer's. It improved all of our lives including his as he was able to partake in memory activities and be in a safe environment.

It's difficult but you have to be allowed to have a life as well. Care homes get a bad rep but finding the one that's right and fits everyone needs will help you all I think

expatinscotland Mon 14-Mar-16 16:35:39

It's not as simple as 'running around' after someone. People with dementia often don't sleep and can become violent. 24/7. It's not possible for one person to care for such a person round the clock in many cases.

CMOTDibbler Mon 14-Mar-16 16:36:12

When my dad can't cope any longer, my mum will go into a care home. She has severe dementia and mobility problems - and dementia doesn't mean she is cheery, enjoying seeing people. It means she doesn't have any language and is pretty scared by anything unfamiliar. And can be really quite unpleasant at times.
I couldn't care for her, quite apart from my ft job and looking after my 9 year old ds

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Mon 14-Mar-16 16:39:04

My grandad is in a care home due to dementia too. It's a massive weight lifted for my nan, who was struggling terribly with the havoc it wrought.

My dad will probably go into a nursing home at some point in the coming years, due to his gradual deterioration through Huntington's disease. Neither he or my mum want this, but the sad fact is that my mum simply won't be able to care for him at the level he'll eventually need, 24/7. It's no existence for either of them.

SecretSpy Mon 14-Mar-16 16:39:16

I would, if necessary.

I work in a nursing home. Most of our residents are unable to live in their own home for various reasons, a few could possibly manage but the risks may not be acceptable.

Many need frequent assistance to use the toilet or to eat and drink, have memory problems or other problems that would make them unable to get medical help if needed.

But, homes vary a lot. Age UK has lots of good information about how to choose one and what to consider.

Threesoundslikealot Mon 14-Mar-16 16:40:19

To flip it around, my daughter had to go into residential care when we were unable to meet her substantial, complex needs, even though we could care for her siblings perfectly well. It's about someone being in the place that best meets their needs, whether that's medical or even social (a good home will provide stimulation for someone who might otherwise be lonely a great deal of the time, particularly with mobility needs). It's often a very hard decision but struggling to cope with caring for elderly relatives in their or your home can damage everyone.

Andrewofgg Mon 14-Mar-16 16:42:00

MIL ended her days in a care home which we called Colditz although as they go it was not bad. DW and her brothers could not cope any more. Don't feel bad when the time comes.

Lweji Mon 14-Mar-16 16:44:13

It depends on lots of things.
My grandmother went into a care home because my parents are already too elderly and she was basically a bitch to them.
If you have relatively young children and are already running after them, then you can't be everywhere at the same time. Some degree of caring by other people should be ok.
It depends on the care home. My parents have friends that live in sort of assisted accommodation. They have their own small flat, but in a community and don't have to prepare meals or anything like that. I think my parents are considering the possibility of eventually joining something similar, should they need.

boredofusername Mon 14-Mar-16 16:44:19

My father has Parkinsons and has been in a nursing home since Christmas.

He can't walk and needs two people to lift him. So he either needs to be in a nursing home, or to have live-in care. His flat is too small for live-in care.

The other option would be for me (and as it needs two people) my husband to look after him. That would mean us both having to move and/or have adaptations made to our house, give up work and live off benefits/my father's savings. In theory I might be able to work a bit as I work from home, so I might be able to get some things done, but I would never be able to have a teleconference etc as I would never know when he needed me to go to the loo. Also should my husband have to give up his work and freedom that gives him? It's not his dad. It would also have an impact on my son's freedom and opportunities.

Or, should my father live in a care home with dedicated equipment and staff which he has plenty of money to pay for?

Also - parents look after children when they are small and portable and you know they will gradually need less and less attention. Adults are big and it's hard to lift them and transport them, and they can only get worse (unless they've maybe had an accident and will get better again in time but that's different).

I know in France and other countries there are laws about having to care for elderly parents. I wonder if there are carve-outs for if you've not spoken to your parents in 20 years, maybe because they were abusive?

CPtart Mon 14-Mar-16 16:53:40

My GM went into a care home for the last two years of her life because my DM was on the verge of a nervous breakdown trying to care for her...ended up on anti depressants and blood pressure medication herself. GM was incontinent with very poor mobility and eventually dementia. It wasn't sustainable or safe to keep her at home or practical to move her in with family.
I've been a nurse for over 25 years and if and when my DM needs care she'll be going into a care home too, with her full agreement!

gasman Mon 14-Mar-16 16:53:56

My grandfather moved into a care home about 6weeks ago.

My siblings and I are supporting our aunt (his only involved child).

It was really difficult as he didn't really want to go but could see (when it was bluntly pointed out) that keeping him at home was taking a massive toll on my aunt who is also her husband's main carer.

Short of my someone giving up work or going PT (which would be detrimental to our careers/pension etc) we couldn't make it work. He could potentially have funded a care team at home but none of us felt able to manage it and we couldn't find an agency to provide the number of hours he needed. It was also going to be massively expensive - my brother thought between 75-100k /annum....

Mentally the change in environment has rapidly accelerated his cognitive decline but at least he no longer has capacity to tell us he doesn't want to be there.

My aunt is devastated at his feline but finally being able to spend some time with her (dying) husband.

I'm cross tbh - my Grandfather is 93 and he had my Gran until last year when she died and they had so many adventures together right up until their mid eighties but because of his selfishness in refusing to initially accept outside care at all and latterly to move into a residential setting in a timely fashion he has stolen my aunts retirement time with her husband.

Admittedly my aunt hasn't helped herself - she never ever says no. I swear if he told her to do something illegal she would do it because he said so and this continues even now despite her husband asking her and us all telling her to prioritize her husband (they have a good marriage it isn't that she doesn't want to spend time with him.

My Uncle will probably be dead in 18months and is now so impaired (he has dementia as well as a cancer) that they have to be really careful about which activities they do.

GOK what state my aunt will be in when they are both dead.

alltouchedout Mon 14-Mar-16 16:59:24

My maternal grandmother was the only one who lived long enough to need care and my goodness she needed it (dementia). There is no way her needs could have been met at home. My parents categorically do not want to be cared for by me or my brother if they need it in later life. They don't want our relationship to be changed in that way.

Sirzy Mon 14-Mar-16 17:03:10

I think as tough as it is to make the decision sometimes it is the best for all involved. As a family we would have loved to be able to card for my grandmother at home but it would have been impossible to meet her needs for 24/7 care and would have most likely made us ill trying. She went into a fantastic nursing home where they could give the level of care and attention she needed.

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman Mon 14-Mar-16 17:04:36

Lweji, my great-aunt opted for the same sort of arrangement as your parents' friends. She put her name on the waiting list for a retirement home offering a wide range of support, and was delighted when a place come up.

At the beginning she was independent and it just lifted the burden of domestic jobs.

By the end she had dementia. But she had the continuity of being in the same place, chosen by her, surrounded by people she knew.

SweetAdeline Mon 14-Mar-16 17:07:13

My dm cared for her own mil. She has made me promise that I won't do the same for her. My dmil (who is older) has moved into a retirement community of her accord because she likes the security of knowing she won't have to move again. I looked after her after an accident and I know she found it very uncomfortable and would not like me to do it long term.

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