AIBU to feel sad about this(17 Posts)
DH and I have 2 dds, age 5 and 3.
I have felt for a long time (pretty much since dd2 was born) that our family is not yet complete. I really thought we'd have had another dc by now. Dh is less convinced and has been having some health issues which has put him off the thought of another dc as he's unsure if/how it would affect his condition (with the sleeplessness etc).
Anyway, we have been going around in circles. Dh doesn't like talking about it as he says it always feels like it's me vs. him and that I'm just waiting for him to change his mind.
I decided a couple of months ago to drop the idea and to pursue a different career direction, as this is something that had been put on hold in my head whilst the possibility of more dc was still there. And I've come to realise that just because we're not having more dc now, doesn't mean that we won't further down the line. And even if we don't, I love our 2 dds very much and feel so lucky to have them. But the feeling that someone is missing just won't go away.
Sorry, that was quite a rambly bit of background.
My current issue is that both dds have suddenly started saying that they want us to have a baby. Dh went away with work 5 days ago and they have mentioned it every day since he went. Dd2 won't stop going on about it, says she will give the baby lots of cuddles and help me change the baby's nappies etc. I know it's ridiculous to think about having another dc just because the older siblings request it, and obviously I would never entertain that thought. It just upsets me that I really would like another and I'm having to deal with these conversations without the support of dh while he's away.
AIBU to be sad about this? And what the heck do I say to dc? At the moment I've just said that it's not always possible for people to just decide that's they're going to have a baby. They don't understand how baby-making works yet
At that age they don't want a sibling and all that entails, they want a little doll they can dress up.
Your DD's have picked up on you discussing another baby or are you subconsciously encouraging it?.
If your DH has health issues I think you need to respect his situation. Your family is complete, if you have another or not. I would suggest you move on - sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
Don't transfer your thoughts over to them by overthinking the whole thing.
both dds have suddenly started saying that they want us to have a baby
Did they overhear you talking?
You'll have to explain firmly that there will not be another baby because babies are too tiring. If you given them any inkling that nagging Daddy could work, or that you really DO want another child, it may backfire.
Lots of friends are having babies at the moment. I think they're starting to wonder why we're not!
I think I do respect my DH's situation (even though I don't fully understand why an eye condition would prevent having a baby) which is why I had started pursue the career thing instead.
And I realise that the dc have no idea what having a new baby would entail. I have started to gently point out the cons to them. It's just difficult to suddenly have to talk about it with them every day without the support of dh while he's away.
For the DDs, you treat it like they've asked for a pony. As pp said, they don't want a sibling/feel like something is missing, they want what someone else has now
I have been telling them that we're not having a baby. It's just hard to have to say it.
Don't point out the cons, just tell them it's not going to happen and they are to stop going on about it.
It's OK to be sad about it though, just don't let it show.
It's hard to say it because you want another baby. They will get over it - and they have each other. There must be other families with two or fewer children, you can point them out if it helps. I don't think you need to explain why you won't be having a baby, just say you and daddy are happy with the children you have, and you don't want any more.
I'm sorry you can't have the baby you want.
I desperately wanted a third child but my DH was adamant he wanted us to stop at two. I had no good reason for wan
Sorry - I had no good reason for wanting a third and he had sound economic and practical reasons for stopping at two I did not want to give birth to a child that one parent didn't want so in the end I gave in and he had a vasectomy. That was over 20 years ago. It cast a shadow over our marriage that lasted many years and I still grieve that unborn third child. Not much help I know.
When DDs were old enough we got them kittens (one of which is still with us) and that seemed to ease their desire for a baby, even if it didn't work for me!
I am sure they do want a baby. A baby is often exciting for kids.
They aren't the ones doing all the leg work. Ds wanted a baby brother. I pointed out it could end up being a girl and he would have to share his room for a while. He dropped the idea straight away
Thanks everyone. It's really helpful to get some different perspectives.
I feel like I'm coming from a weird place in that it's not necessarily that I want a third child as such, I just know that there is one more yet to come
Even writing that we are not having another child, my inner dialogue is saying 'but we actually will one day'. I just know that there is one. Difficult to explain.
If you want another, have it. How old are you?
As soon as I had children (quite young) I realised how important a career was. After working hard to get that career with the battles of fitting it around children, I've realised how important having more children is.
At the end of the day, you have a limited time to have children, but you can still have a career when they're grown up. Plenty of women I know have joined (for example) quite demanding nursing/midwifery careers in their late 40s and even 50s, once their children are grown up and have more freedom to do so.
At present, both my children have finally got to school age, I have a ton of freedom again... but as my clock is ticking, I'm thinking that career plans come second.
I think what changed my mind was seeing my wonderful nan on her deathbed, surrounded by children and grandchildren and realising that family is all that matters, really. I have friends who are almost too old to have children now, and I'd hate to be in the position when I'm old and have no one there for me. And the same for your children - personally one of mine is SN, and I'd like to think that there will be people there to look out for him once I'm gone.
Fortified I agree with everything you said in that post. Just to communicate it to dh without it feeling like I'm putting pressure on him or belittling his health concerns...
It must be hard when you feel your family isn't complete. My dh would have dc3, l'd love another baby, but l don't want all the hard work (have a 6 month old so I'm still living it!).
Time is ticking away for me but most importantly deep down l do feel as though we are complete so bar a very unexpected surprise we will stick with 2 dc.
My cousin accidently got pregnant with dc 2 and her marriage is struggling and they may separate as her dh just isn't coping.
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