to ask about depression, pnd or whatever this is....

[cjt110]

[Have posted in chat but posting here for traffic]

So, finally I have plucked up the courage to go to my GP and tell him I need help. That I am not me anymore. I'm angry at the world for no reason, take everything as a critism and feel like I'm fighting the world. I love my son but I dont feel like I love him enough. I havent got that burst of love for him and there are days I'd give anything to be on my own. I have no desire to do anything. I go to work because I have to, not because I want to. I have grown a sense of not giving a fuck about things that really matter - like today, my appointment is at 1.50 but am tempted to just go home afterwards - and making the smallest things into a huge incident - like being in tears because I want DH to drive us to the airport in June and he said he's prefer to go on the train.

I just dont know what to say. I know how I feel but how do I tell someone. I only told my husband yesterday that I feel lost and not me anymore.

I already suffer from depression but this I am going through now has changed. I am constantly wound up and cross, losing interest in stuff, feel alone, numb, lost, taking things the completely wrong way then they were meant (FIL made a harmless joke yesterday which I took as a criticism of my parenting skills and caused huge tension and a row for me and DH which resulted in him pretty much saying if I carry on as I am I'm likely to lose him, my job etc).

[Gizlotsmum]

Hugs. Are you on medication for your depression? It may be you need to review the dosage.. Good luck

[cjt110]

Gizlotsmum I am on citalopram but only a low dose of 20mg.

How do I even tell the Dr how I feel? Do I write it all down and take a "shopping list" with me?

[Gizlotsmum]

I would write it down and then just say what you have written here...

[cjt110]

I dont even know what to write down....

[cjt110]

I dont know if it's just my depression or if its something like PND - my son's now 19m so surely it cant be pnd? Im too proud to talk about it, even though its probably pretty obvious from the outside I'm not right. Even though my Mum herself suffered depression and pnd when I was born.

[Nicknamegrief]

IME a doctor will only call it PND of your child is under 1.
It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is going and talking about it and getting the correct medication/dosage and the relevant talking therapy and support.
Depression, as far as I am aware has peaks and troughs. Be proud for being brave and starting to talk about it.
I hope you get the support you need.

[cjt110]

I just hope I can say how I feel, fully, and not gloss over it or forget what to say

[breezydoesit]

Uhhhhhh hugs for you. I often feel like this and my DC isn't much older than your. It's a strange mix of anger, frustration and sadness that I can't quite shake from time to time. You recognise that you need help and I think you've articulated yourself perfectly on here. Worst comes to worst hang the doc what you've written and let them read it. Also, I find social media made me feel much worse about myself. I've come off Facebook and it has helped massively as I'm not bombarded with people's highly staged perfect lives. take each day as it comes and accept that how you're feeling won't last forever and there will be help out there for you. I wish I could meet up with you, give you a hug and let you know you're going to be ok

[breezydoesit]

*give the doc, not hang! 🙈

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

to you OP. How long have you been on the citalopram at that dose? It's possible a change in dose or medication would help.

Well done for deciding to speak to the gP, that's so hard when you're depressed. Write it down in bullet points if it feels easier, and just hand them the list if you can't stand to read it out / talk about things aloud.

Are you getting any support other than meds? Does your husband know how you're feeling? His comment that you'll lose him if you stay feeling like this seems a bit over the top.

[cjt110]

I just want to know that it is something that I'm feeling and it can be sorted. I already take antidepressants so I dont know what else the Dr can do. All I know is that I just don't feel much anymore.

Voldys I've been on that dose perhaps 15m or so. I was on them before I had my son but came off because I felt better and also didnt want to risk any problems when we conceived but started to get angry and cross after I had had him so asked my GP could I go back on them.

In some ways he is right about losing stuff - Ive already had words said at work with how I can be, and him sayign about losing him - perhaps it was a shock tactic. But yesterday we were 150 odd miles from home, his did made a comment which I took the wrong way, snapped back, DH and I had a row and I said to take me to the train station and I'd make my own way home. He actually drove me there and I was ready to get out of the car and he said to stop being silly and to listen to what he was saying and that I needed to get help because things will start to go downhill if I dont.

[cjt110]

his Dad made a comment not did*

[LizKeen]

Just write out your OP and take that.

They might not call in PND but that is what it most likely is. Even after this long. I had bad PND after DD2 and I only sought help when she was 18 months. The GP did say it was PND.

It is likely that once you start explaining the problem the GP will ask some questions.

[cjt110]

I have copied and pasted my OP onto a word document. I can feel myself getting anxious right now and a panic attack rising just thinking about going to the appointment.

[StarlingMurmuration]

I really just wish I could reach through my laptop and give you an unmumsnetty hug. I feel much the same way a lot of the time - I have a 16 month old, and I'm not enjoying him nearly as much as I should be for all the same reasons. I'm being treated for depression but I don't feel like it's "working" - I'm just staggering along going though the motions most of the time.

I wish I knew what to say :(

[cjt110]

StarlingMurmuration I knew parenthood woul change stuff but I never realised I'd feel like this and I totally get the "not enjoying them as much as you should"

[LaurieMarlow]

cjt, so much of that sounds really familiar. Big hugs. I think this is much more common than than society admits.

So much of this (for me at least) is an overwhelming reaction to the responsibility of having a child, feeling insecure & powerless in the face of this. The constant anxiety is very hard to handle.

I hope talking to the GP is helpful and upping the meds sounds worth exploring.

I will get utterly flamed for this on MN, but I am feeling a hell of a lot better since I started paying attention to my solar plexus chakra. Sounds very woo, but I've found it helpful - unblocking feelings, helping me feel more secure & powerful, happier in myself.

Good luck.

[cjt110]

So, I went to see the GP. He said he suspects my depression has worsened as the info I gave him (My OP) was typically depressive symptoms. He has told me to up my dose from 20mg to 30mg of citalopram and see him in 4 weeks. He said the max dose of citalopram is 40mg so we can work upto that if I need to and if that doesnt work he can swap me to something else. He also gave me a leaflet about IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) and said he thinks I may benefit from it. Iornically there was a poster in the waiting room for a session in May for dealing with Anxiety and stress which I think I will go on.

You can also self refer to IAPT for sessions, which I think I will do.

Its a small step but one forward anyway.

[StarlingMurmuration]

That's great. Well done on going to the GP!

[Gizlotsmum]

Fantastic. I hope it helps

[LaurieMarlow]

Good news OP. Good luck.

[cjt110]

Have booked onto a 6 week stress course at IPAT starting 24 March. Have also printed some info from their website too.

[PageStillNotFound404]

That's an encouraging start OP, and well done for booking onto an IAPT course so promptly. I hope things improve for you.

[cjt110]

My heart is pounding and my head is whirring. I feel anxious right now and am trying to be positive and get things moving.