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AIBU to actually believe my mum, over my daughter?

(189 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

AdamsAppleAA Sun 13-Mar-16 20:30:06

Hi all, this just keeps playing around in my head and I'm not sure who I believe now.

I'm not too familiar with the site, so not sure how many responses I'd get, but I'll answer you all after my shower.

My daughter is 12. She has a long past of mental health disorders. She is on medication and has recently been released from an eating disorder clinic. She's doing well though.

My mother is an older woman and has a few heart conditions and is in and out of hospital. Last night, my daughter told me that she makes her feel uncomfortable and goes on to describe inappropriate touching. I was horrified.

I began to talk to her and she described things, etc. However, she said one of the main things was on a certain date when my mother was in hospital, so it was either a mix up, or a lie? I have been trying to juggle my time between the pair of them and there was an appointment I had to go to with my mum, but I also had a time to go and visit dd. I rearranged. I'm wondering if it stems from this?

Who would you believe? WWYD?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 13-Mar-16 20:32:26

How inappropriate? Criminally inappropriate?

TattieHowkerz Sun 13-Mar-16 20:34:37

Poor you. How incredibly difficult. Maybe speak to your daughters mental health team?

Is there anything else at all, now or in the past, that would make you doubt your Mum?

It's very hard but I don't think you need to rush to declare a "side". Or even to question your daughter right now.

Arfarfanarf Sun 13-Mar-16 20:35:04

I would say put things in place such as not having your mother alone with your daughter while you work through this. Perhaps go to the gp and ask for cahms referral since your daughter has mental health issues.
I don't think you can or should dismiss your daughter based on a 'wrong' date. People can confuse dates when they are traumatised.

Get your daughter some help, make sure all is ok with her. Err on the side of caution by supervising her with your mother and get help for her. Either she is telling the truth in which case she needs your love and support or she is unwell and needs your love and support.

tigermoll Sun 13-Mar-16 20:35:18

My instinct? Believe your daughter.

I'm sorry, I know it must be horrible to think that your mother could be doing anything inappropriate and harmful to your child, but this needs to be taken seriously.

WonderingAspie Sun 13-Mar-16 20:35:58

I can't say who I would believe because I don't know your mum or your daughter. It could be attention seeking from your daughter and a way to keep you away from your mum and more focused on your DD. Is she generslly attention seeking? Hell of an accusation to make if its false though and it would mean your DD does have some serious issues.

On the other hand, could there be some truth in it? What do you think your DDs reaction would be if you pointed out your mum was in hospital one of the alleged times?

PurpleDaisies Sun 13-Mar-16 20:38:08

Give the Nspcc a ring for advice. You have to take this seriously regardless of your suspicions-if it isn't true that will come to light. If it is, the harm you will do to your relationship with your daughter by not believing her might never be undone.

WhataMistakeaToMakea Sun 13-Mar-16 20:39:40

Only you know your daughter and how her mental health issues affect her, but as a Social worker who has heard lots of allegations I can say that I have never come across a child who has made up being sexually abused. It might not always be the person they say did it or the time etc but sometimes children test us out with bits of information and see what happens before they actually tell us everything.

You can't just ignore it. You need to talk to her about it again and let her know this is serious and if she tells you that it really happened then you will have to do something about it and tell the Police.

Catvsworld Sun 13-Mar-16 20:42:56

I think only you no your daughter

It's very difficult because we always want to believe our kids and wouldn't like to think they would lie however teenagers do lie teachers face false allergations.

Personally I would be not leaving your mum vunrable to allergations or any other adults tbh makes sure she is dealt with in pairs

Until you have sorted it

theycallmemellojello Sun 13-Mar-16 20:49:40

I think you have to treat it seriously - I wouldn't accuse your mother (yet), but I would support your daughter, assume she's telling the truth, and not allow your mum to be alone with her. Also, I'm no expert, but could abuse explain the MH problems?

KayKayKK Sun 13-Mar-16 20:50:17

Hmm, it's such a difficult one! She's probably under CAMHS? I'd talk to them about it

TheBouquets Sun 13-Mar-16 20:51:11

This is very difficult for you as both your mother and your daughter are your closest biological relatives. You can only be worried out of your mind about this situation.
It is interesting that a PP has said that as a Social Worker she has never had a child who lied about being abused but has been wrong about who did the actual abusing.
I think it is good advice that you should not leave your poor mum vulnerable to allegations.
What a dreadful situation for you. I hope that you get to the truth of it all.
I am watching with interest because there is something worrying me along similar lines and I am not sure what to do about it because I am sure there are lies from the adults involved. I am sure that there is something not right about the child.
Good luck with it all. I hope that there is a satisfactory outcome.

TrinityForce Sun 13-Mar-16 20:52:25

Holy shit sad

Keep them apart and believe your DD - I think even if she's lying, visibly disbelieving her could do far more harm than good to her mental health.

Poor little girl

WonderingAspie Sun 13-Mar-16 20:52:35

whata, yes I did this, to,d a relative about what was happening to my 'friend', then when I saw they thought it was bad, I confessed that I was actually talking about myself.

PiperChapstick Sun 13-Mar-16 20:53:59

You are absolutely obligated to believe your daughter. Research the mumsnet "We Believe You" campaign

1manwent2mowWent2mowameadow Sun 13-Mar-16 20:54:36

Abuse is a complicated thing, I would believe your dd to an point, but suggest there may be a lot more to it and would get help from professionals. Good luck!

ProfessorPickles Sun 13-Mar-16 20:57:29

Mellojello- I thought the exact same, could this be where the other mental health issues have come from, if this has happened who knows how long it has been going on for.

I feel if it was a man she'd accused nobody would have a doubt but I know a woman who sexually abused her best friends son when babysitting him. People don't seem to see women as capable of doing such things.

lookingforafriend Sun 13-Mar-16 20:58:25

Honestly...
I don't think it is the sort of question that you should be asking here!!

Talk about it together as a family....decide the next step forward as a family and Hopefully it will all be sorted one way or the other as a family......

Your daughter quite obviously needs you now as her mother more than ever....

PaulAnkaTheDog Sun 13-Mar-16 21:02:21

Your daughter's MH issues are relevant here, does she have previous for lying?

powertotheparslaii Sun 13-Mar-16 21:07:10

This is an awful situation to be in. Believe me, I know. I've been in similar.

I spoke to the NSPCC and they said that because of the nature of the disclosure they need to inform the police with or without my blessing. They explained that if I didn't report the accusations to the police, and it turned out that it was in fact true- that I could be seen as negligent/accomplice/ failing to protect a minor.

So, it was reported to the police my both myself and the NSPCC. The school by myself and the police forwarded on to social services. I had to avoid any form of communication with the possible perp during this period.

The police came to speak to me to decide whether or not to speak to the possible perp at this point, and the social worker came to discuss the disclosure with my DS (without me there) as a (apparent) standard she then looked at my son's bedroom and in the bathroom (the final report discussed his living conditions- a little boys bedroom with plenty of age appropriate toys and clean bedding)

After discussions with my DS the social worker decided that it was a miscommunication and was satisfied that what he suggested (inappropriate photos) hadn't happened. She was satisfied to close the case, as were the police.

The potential perp never ever knew this was reported.

Just wanted to let you know my story so you know it can be investigated without your mother knowing- only if they suspect there is something will they involve her.

I would also suggest you have this moved to relationships as I got some fantastic advice there.

PM me if you would like any further advice

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Sun 13-Mar-16 21:09:11

Support your DD, allow only supervised visits with the two of them for now. Definitely seek help earlier rather than later, particularly with your dd's MH issues, don't try to deal with this on your own (not saying she's lying, but the two could be linked or being disbelieved could affect her other issues etc etc)

BrieAndChilli Sun 13-Mar-16 21:14:44

It could be that this is the cause of her eating disorder and Ther mental health problems.
I think you should never not believe a child and that it needs l be investigated.
Worst case is its true which will be devastating for your family and best case it's false and die to mental problems in which case your DD will get the help she needs.

Thornrose Sun 13-Mar-16 21:20:38

She's only 12 and has a long past of MH disorders. What MH issues does she have other than an eating disorder?

antsypants Sun 13-Mar-16 21:20:46

It is an awful thought to entertain, however, it sounds like your DD is screaming for help here, a long past of MH issues at 12, eating disorders, it all sounds like there is something at the heart of it, it could be that this has been misplaced towards your mother because of DD's resentment at how she interprets not being put first, or this could all stem from a trusted adult betraying her.

It seems to me this needs a supportive and measured response, she needs to know you have faith in her and that she will still be loved and cherished regardless of truth or lie, she sounds so very vulnerable.

I wish I could give you the answers sad

TheBouquets Sun 13-Mar-16 21:22:57

The poor mother/grandmother! It would make a real bad world if people had to mind out for being alone with child relatives.
There was a post about a male nursery worker being exceptionally close to 2 girls. He was not condemned as this grandmother has been. He was seen too close to tiny girls this grandmother has not been seen doing anything. Just to be sure I am going to re read

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