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My dad is making me look wealthier than I am (long)

(389 Posts)
dazedandconfused17 Sun 13-Mar-16 13:15:48

I know my diamond shoes are too tight and in the big scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky.

When I was 22 I inherited a house and some land from my grandparents. It came to me as my mother had died when I was little. It isn't Blenheim Palace or anything, but it had been in her family since 1693 and parts of it date back to the 12th century. My DF thought at the time I should sell it, as while it is gorgeous, it has always been a lot of work to maintain etc. In the end (after a couple of years of faff), DH (then DP) and I decided to move in and try and keep the place going.

We're now in our late thirties and it's still here. It's been a rough ride, but so far we have kept the place standing and our family going. It has, however, been really financially tough, especially the last couple of years, due to a bunch of unexpected expenses, specifically massive issues with the roof. Last year in a real pinch, DH borrowed £2000 from a friend to cover vets bills for our dog. At the time, he was meant to be starting a new contract (he works freelance to help support the family) and thought he'd be able to pay back in a couple of months. The job fell through at the last minute and we've not been able to repay on time. Currently I'm paying it off at a rate of £400 per month, which is very hard (we have zero spare income at all right now) but it is getting done.

The friend in question has been, quite reasonably, annoyed with us and said she was only able to spare the money for a couple of months and needs it all back. Last time I saw her she had a massive rant about how we clearly could afford to as the kids went skiing after Christmas and we have a nearly new car.

The thing is this comes from my dad. He has always said that he won't loan us money (which is fair) and he doesn't want us to rely on him as we're grown ups, but does like to sometimes give random gifts. So, for example, he and my stepmum took the kids away, along with my half brothers (who are both much younger than me - closer to my kids age) for a skiing holiday. We could never afford it. And when he wanted to get a new car last year, he gave us his old one, which was a decent three year old VW Passat (I know! I know!). But this is all coming together to make us look super rich - we live in a huge house (even if currently we can't heat it) and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments.

DH is working, but only part time as a postman as he hasn't been able to get a new contact like the one that fell through. I am working, part time out of the home and part time on our business which is meant to get the place a bit more profitable and a bit less of a drain. I did try and explain that we don't have money, just a gift from my dad, and she said that if he could afford to give us a nearly new car, he could definitely afford to give us the money we need to repay her.

Is she being U? I am pretty certain that DF won't loan me the money if I ask, and if he does he'll be really unhappy about it, even though he can afford it. Is he being U? Should I ask anyway?

We have tried to get a bank loan, but after a bunch of financial hiccups last year they pretty much laughed in our face at the suggestion of an unsecured personal loan and we can't take a loan through the business and spend it on a personal debt, I don't think. Loan should be paid off start of May, but it's just getting there.

petergriffinmeetsdeath Sun 13-Mar-16 13:17:40

I don't think you can afford to live in that house can you?

Organon8 Sun 13-Mar-16 13:19:07

and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments

There should be no skiing and buying of a car until you have repaid your debts

PurpleDaisies Sun 13-Mar-16 13:20:18

To be honest I can understand why your friend is a bit annoyed. £2000 is a lot of money.

Are you paying her back at the rate you agreed? I think that's the deciding factor in whether she's actually being unreasonable or not. I'm surprised you haven't asked your father for a loan.

AYD2MITalkTalk Sun 13-Mar-16 13:20:45

Sell the car.

MatildaTheCat Sun 13-Mar-16 13:20:51

Your friend is very much NBU. She very kindly made you a loan with a time frame in place for repayment and you have recinded on that agreement. Have you even asked your DF for a short term loan?

No idea quite how you find this cash but you need to, she's told you she's not happy and that puts her in a really awkward situation.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Sun 13-Mar-16 13:20:54

I think you need to look hard at the situation your in

Yes theres history in the house but you clearly can't afford it.
Your dad shouldt have to bail you out.
Time to sensible and live in a house you can afford to kerp

Bettydownthehall Sun 13-Mar-16 13:21:02

Get a log book lain on the car. Yes it is high interest but if you pay it off at a rate of £400 a month, shouldn't be too bad.

You really should have to shoulder the cost to repay your friend.

Donatellalymanmoss Sun 13-Mar-16 13:21:25

No I don't think she is being unreasonable you said you could pay it back within 2 months and you haven't.

You should ask your Dad to borrow the money to pay her back until May.

If money is really tight then have a serious think about whether you should move to a house that you can afford to live in.

JustABigBearAlan Sun 13-Mar-16 13:21:31

It's tricky. I can see why she's annoyed but also I understand that you don't actually have the cash. Could you sell the car?

RudeElf Sun 13-Mar-16 13:21:40

Sell the house, pay back your friend, release the money from the house and buy something you can manage with no expensive upkeep.

You cant afford your house.

PurpleDaisies Sun 13-Mar-16 13:23:05

It doesn't sound like your current lifestyle is sustainable though. You need to take a long hard look at your finances and consider what needs to change. Either you need more income (full time work for your dh, part time work for you when he's off) or reduce your outgoing a.

CitySnicker Sun 13-Mar-16 13:23:15

You could have sold the car.

NNalreadyinuse Sun 13-Mar-16 13:23:43

I don't think you should ask him as you think he won't do it and if he did, he would be resentful. All you can do is make sure you pay back at £400 per month and then get pet insurance so you are not in this position again. You haven't done anything wrong imo and are trying to pay back the friend as quickly as you can.
I would not borrow from friends or lend money as there is always a risk of something not going to plan. I feel for your friend though - doing you a favour is biting her on the arse. I do think your dh should get some bar work to pay back the debt more quickly

CaptainMarvelDanvers Sun 13-Mar-16 13:23:45

Considering the car was a gift, you should have sold the car and bought a cheaper one to pay off the debt to your friend.

It sounds like you can't live in this house.

DixieNormas Sun 13-Mar-16 13:23:48

so the op shouldn't take gifts off her father untill the debt is relayed Organon what good is that.

how much do you owe the friend now? I think I would speak to my dad about it if I was you

fuzzywuzzy Sun 13-Mar-16 13:23:52

Ask your dad for a loan and pay him back at the rate you're paying your friend currently tell him the loan will be settled in May and make sure you do. It's only roughly two and a half months worth of loan left.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 13-Mar-16 13:23:52

You cannot afford to live in the house but you are in a catch 22 if you do not maintain it then you will struggle to sell it.

But you really can't afford to keep animals that require those levels of vet bills

PegsPigs Sun 13-Mar-16 13:24:00

She didn't pay for the skiing trip and she didn't buy a new car. Her dad did. Read the whole OP! I know it's long but if you've got the time to copy and paste you've got the time to read it properly.

Have you explained to your friend that everything you have that makes you look wealthy was given to you i.e. house, holiday and car?

DixieNormas Sun 13-Mar-16 13:25:24

I would probably try to take a loan out on the car, don't think I'd sell it unless your dad agrees

NNalreadyinuse Sun 13-Mar-16 13:25:53

Im not sure you could sell the car without angering your dad, who gave it to you to use, not sell

jbee1979 Sun 13-Mar-16 13:26:38

I see where you're coming from. I would ask your dad as a one off, rather than risk spoiling the friendship any more. Offer to pay him back £200 a month to give you some breathing space. Get insurance for the dog too! Don't borrow from friends again either. It's never going to end well. Your house might be a sentimental millstone round your neck , but it probably makes friends quite envious .

dazedandconfused17 Sun 13-Mar-16 13:27:01

We can't sell the house. We just can't. It was left to me in trust for the next generation (not a legal trust, but that is how my grandfather thought of it). It would feel like a massive betrayal to sell it.

The log book loan on the car is a good idea. And yes, I've been paying it back at the rate I say. I've not missed a payment since this got passed to me (it was originally DH's deal with her. I didn't get involved for a while).

My dad hates giving loans. He will probably say "no". But I'll ask, but last time I asked him for a £50 loan he said "no".

We didn't spend any money on the skiing. That was my dad. He took the kids away, not DH and I. We should say "no" in future for appearances sake? I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Alwayscheerful Sun 13-Mar-16 13:28:24

I would not sell, the house, I would try and generate an income from it.

It would be rude to sell the car as it was a gift and you would still need a reliable car.

If you have been paying the loan back at £400 per month and you might already have made three payments, so £1200 which only leaves 2 payments.

I would probably ask my Dad or draw the cash on a credit card and continue to repay at £400 per month.

PurpleDaisies Sun 13-Mar-16 13:28:31

We can't sell the house. We just can't. It was left to me in trust for the next generation (not a legal trust, but that is how my grandfather thought of it). It would feel like a massive betrayal to sell it.

That's a horrible position to be in but you clearly can't manage as things are now. Something had to change.

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