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To think it's my fault dp had affair?

(143 Posts)
Kez93 Sun 13-Mar-16 11:26:25

I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently.

Me and my partner were together for 6 years and we used to argue A LOT and there where times when I attacked him. I have anger issues from my childhood. Honestly I know it was wrong. I head butted him and three things at him, I would punch him and he would have to restrain me. To be fair he did wind me up to the point he knew I would get really angry and upset but he didn't ever get violent.

So then I got pregnant and when our DS was 4 months old I found out he'd been having an emotional affair for over a month. He then left me and our DS for the woman.

I was devastated and hated him for a lo g time. He is a good dad to our son and now I'm starting to feel guilty that it was my fault in the first place. Aibu?

VertigoNun Sun 13-Mar-16 11:28:44


In answer to your question he chose to cheat.

I am beyond shocked at the headbutting etc. What are you doing to address your behaviour?

MattDillonsPants Sun 13-Mar-16 11:29:34

Of course you're not unreasonable to feel guilty. You physically abused him. As you said, you've had a bad childhood and it sounds like you need counselling to enable you to move on. Have you spoken to your GP? If not, you should. Ask for help.

Eebahgum Sun 13-Mar-16 11:29:35

I don't think you can talk about fault - he chose to have an affair rather than ending the relationship. However, your physical abuse of him was absolutely wrong and I think it's probably for the best that you're no longer in a relationship - no matter whose "fault" that is.

AliceInUnderpants Sun 13-Mar-16 11:29:49

It's not your fault as he chose to have an affair but you certainly contributed greatly to his unhappiness, which may have led him to seek comfort elsewhere.
I hope for your son's sake you have sought help for your anger issues, and that your ex has had support for the domestic abuse he suffered. If this was the other way around, most people here would advocate him having residency of his son and you having supervised contact.

MattDillonsPants Sun 13-Mar-16 11:30:41

Beyond shocked at headbutting? Must have led a quiet life Vertigo I'm not thinking AIBU is the best place for your thread OP. Ask MN to move it to relationships perhaps.

Kez93 Sun 13-Mar-16 11:31:21

Well I was planning to get help and when I first found out about the affair I feel he should have given me the chance to get help and tried to save our relationship for the sake of our DS. He says he didn't want out Sonny to grow up in that kind of environment but it's no excuse to leave for someone else.

curren Sun 13-Mar-16 11:32:45

The affair isn't you fault. He did that.

However your behaviour is awful and needs sorting. You say you were wrong then say To be fair he did wind me up to the point he knew I would get really angry and upset but he didn't ever get violent

That putting the blame on him, so you haven't accepted full responsibility.

sofato5miles Sun 13-Mar-16 11:32:55

I agree with you and do not judge him one little bit.

Sort out your anger issues.

MattDillonsPants Sun 13-Mar-16 11:33:39

Kez with all kindness meant, he doesn't need an excuse to leave....for someone else or not. He was a victim of domestic abuse. It's always best to leave.

Kez93 Sun 13-Mar-16 11:33:46

He got a really hard time from family and friends about it and at first I was pleased but now I feel guilty.

VertigoNun Sun 13-Mar-16 11:33:52

He should have left, that's the behaviour of a healthy mind. I guess he has some other dysfunctional relationship with the ow.

He is right it's no good for any of you especially the child.

He and you need to work on yourself.

Didn't the headbutting hurt you too? confused sheltered life

AliceInUnderpants Sun 13-Mar-16 11:34:12

it's no excuse to leave for someone else

Really? REALLY???


He did the right thing getting support then leaving the violent relationship. It was the best thing for all of you, especially your ds who now gets to grow up without witnessing or getting caught up in violence.

Have you addressed your anger and violence problems? There is help out there.

BirthdayBetty Sun 13-Mar-16 11:34:38

I'm sorry you had a crap childhood but you really need to address your anger and aggression. Have you recieved any help, if not you need to.
Although it was wrong of your ex to have an affair, I can't really blame him for ending your relationship.

Savagebeauty Sun 13-Mar-16 11:34:46

I'd have left you.

curren Sun 13-Mar-16 11:34:47

He says he didn't want out Sonny to grow up in that kind of environment but it's no excuse to leave for someone else.

Actually I think he was right to leave. Not in the way he did. But it was the right thing. Tbh you are lucky he didn't take the baby too. I know you don't want to hear that, but I wouldn't leave my kids with someone who showed that level violence.

phequer Sun 13-Mar-16 11:35:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curren Sun 13-Mar-16 11:36:02

You still need to get help. For your child.

Do your friends and family know what you have done?

phequer Sun 13-Mar-16 11:36:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penfold007 Sun 13-Mar-16 11:36:46

The violence was your fault. He should have ended the relationship rather than having an emotional affair.

SaucyJack Sun 13-Mar-16 11:37:20

YANBU to think it was your fault that your relationship broke down.

Stop making excuses for your behaviour, and trying to push the blame onto him.

You will not be capable of a healthy relationship until you can face up to the fact that you are violent and abusive, and that a romantic partner deserves better than to your behaviour.

Best wishes for the future tho. I hope you can sort yourself out for your son.

VertigoNun Sun 13-Mar-16 11:37:33

I would think getting support in the bedroom is not the type of support recommended as it's swapping one dysfunctionality for another. Lies and secrets with op and lies and secrets with the ow.

phequer Sun 13-Mar-16 11:38:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 13-Mar-16 11:41:38

If this was a woman saying her partner headbutted her and threw things at her then I certainly wouldn't be advising she stay and "give him a chance" just for the sake of the child....

And if an abusive man wrote: "And to be fair, she always pushed me to the point where I'd get angry" there would be uproar!!!! Sounds like victim blaming to me.

And I doubt issues from childhood would also be accepted as a reason for domestic violence from a man towards a woman being more accepted.

Your post reads as though because it's the woman who was being violent towards the man then it's not such a big deal. Your DP absolutely did the right thing in leaving.

It does seem like you are beginning to realise you were in the wrong though which is usually the first positive step. For the sake of your son and future relationships then you definitely need to seek help to work through your childhood issues and address your anger.

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