to be really pissed at BFF's DH

[ivebeengrassed]

I've NC for this so I don't out myself. Also my first AIBU!

Background: My BFF 'Mary' is married to my DH's BFF 'Bob'.

I just found out that 'Bob' has been reading 'Mary's' email. How you ask? He called my DH and told him some of the things I've said about him when Mary & I have emailed each other and done the usual venting with each other (as friends do) when we're angry at our spouses. Mary and I can really make 'digs' at our DHs and be extremely sarcastic but we know that we don't mean them, iyswim. Nothing vile or cruel. Just the usual 'can you believe what an idiot…' kind of thing. Apparently he was angry at her for something and rather than talk to her, he decided to print some of her 'venting' emails and pin them to their bedroom door. Then he decided that my DH 'needed to know' what I've said and called him. AND he's told DH he's going to forward my emails so he can read them for himself. He apparently wasn't home when he called DH and Mary has told me she's deleted them all. Hopefully before he's had a chance to forward them to his own email account! I'll also add that Bob until recently had a huge alcohol problem and was violent to her and some of the emails he saw were probably ones in which I told Mary to LTB and what I thought of his drinking. He's no longer drinking, and I was happy for her and thought things had been much better. Now, I'm not so sure!

Anyway, DH is upset that I criticized him to Mary, saying he wouldn't do that to me. Bob has put his own 'interpretation' on my words to DH. Needless to say this has caused some 'words' between DH and I, but I expect we'll get over it.

I'm really furious at Bob, not so much at Mary. I had no idea he had her email password and she had no idea he'd been reading her emails, as far back as two years, as she never reads his. DH says I should be angry at HER because she never told me her email wasn't private and that I should realize that Bob was only being 'a good friend'. My opinion is he did it as revenge for my telling Mary to leave him and to try to 'break up' Mary's and my friendship as I made it very clear that she shouldn't put up with his drunken abuse. The thing is I know quite a few of the really mean things he's said about her/her family because he's vented to my DH, both drunk and sober. I've kept quiet about them as DH relayed them to me under 'marital confidence'.

I told DH that I feel like telling Mary every mean thing Bob has said about her when he's been 'venting'. DH says it's different because I 'put it in writing' and if I told Mary I'd just be repeating Bob's 'verbal remarks'. I said the only difference is that Bob would have plausible deniability where as the emails are 'proof'. I've kept quiet about them as DH relayed them to me under 'marital confidence'.

I guess here are my AIBU;

AIBU at being mad at him, not her?

AIBU to want to tell her all the things he's said about her and her family when he's been drunk and/or 'venting' to DH? (Perfectly willing to be told AIBU on this point as DH told me in confidence)

[ivebeengrassed]

Oh, it's bedtime where I am and I'll check on this when I get up.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

Bob is a prick. It sounds to me like they have marital problems and he's trying to take your relationship down with theirs. I suspect that you'll get a lot of people saying this is an example of emotional abuse too (though I have no exp of it so I couldn't say).

I would expect my DH to be hurt but to tell Bob that he had no right to try and cause problems in our relationship and to stfu basically.

YANBU-I'd be having words with Bob myself if I were you.

[VegasIsBest]

Life lesson here. Never ever put things in an email that you wouldn't want other people to see - whether that's the person you've written about or a third party.

Emails aren't like a conversation - you never know who they'll get forwarded to on purpose or by accident. Or who could sit down at the family computer in all innocence and read them.

[Pollyputhtekettleon]

Bob is the total dick here.

I would hope however you didn't say anything truly off about your dh. Beyond the normal.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

And don't tell her the thugs he's said (though YANBU for wanting to). Don't stoop to his level. However if you confront him I'd make it clear you know he has said things.

[curren]

It all sounds very petty. Except their marriage sounds awful.

Did Mary know he had access to her email? Dh is welcome to look at mine, but I haven't ever given him the password. I am assuming she did as you said you had no idea he was looking but that she had no idea.

If she knew he did have access and kept all these emails, it would suggest she wanted him to know. Then all the stuff her has done its sounds very unhealthy.

Personally if I was your dh, yes I would be pissed off with you and Bob (and Mary if she knew he was looking at them). You have allowed yourself and your marriage to be pulled into this unhealthy situation.

I can see why you are annoyed at Bob, but you were daft to email things you wouldn't want your dh to see.

Feel free to tell Mary what Bob has said. But why do you want to do that? Revenge? Why would you stoop to his level? You can't really be mad at him if you are tempted to do the same.

[Janecc]

"Bob" sounds like a real prick. Hopefully your husband realises this. Especially after what he confided to your DH about his wife. Looks like you need to centre on your relationship. Forget them for the moment. Small gestures, grand gestures to you husband about how much he means to you. Note in his briefcase, delivery chocolate/flowers at work perhaps? Then if dh gets to read the mails, he will know you love him.

[leelu66]

YANBU. Bob should not have talked to DH about your emails. They were between you and Mary.

I probably would tell Mary what Bob has been saying to your DH. Although there is a risk that Mary may be annoyed at you for discussing her with your DH.

Also, why is your DH best friends with a man who has been violent to his wife? I would not be able to socialise with someone like that. Alcoholism doesn't excuse domestic violence.

Sounds like going off the booze hasn't improved him, as he has printed her private emails and stuck them on their door, and disclosed them to your DH.

Can't help thinking Mary would be much better off without this arsehole.

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

Bob is a prick but your husband's take on things is a bit odd. Hopefully he's just reacting out of hurt after being told the mean, sarcastic things you say about him in emails. I'm not sure that's ever a good idea to be honest.

[Pseudo341]

YABU to slag your husband off behind his back, that's incredibly disloyal, I've never understood people who do it, you're supposed to be a team. I'd be fucking furious with you if I was your DH.

Bob is clearly an utter tosser, and I'd be questioning why your DH is friends with a man who is physically abusive to his wife. I think Mary is innocent here, my DH could check my emails if he wanted, and I could check his, we don't, but neither of us would be hiding nasty messages about the other.

[teacher54321]

I can't imagine slagging my dh off in an email to anyone. (We're not perfect at all, but I am loyal to him-he's my husband!)
The other husband sounds like a tosser but you are by no means blameless if you've said lots of horrid things about your dh.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Bob is a twat who's taking revenge on you.

DH is allowed to think whatever the fuck he wants about me. If venting to a friend by email about my many inadequacies helps him to vent and keeps us (mostly) happily married, then that's fine. Obviously I'd rather not see the emails, but I can cope with the theoretical possibility that they exist.

I've never understood the whole 'You're allowed to think your spouse is a complete cunt as long as you never commit this thought to paper' thing. You can't help your feelings, and talking it out with a third party may help you get past them. That’s my feeling anyway. When I suppress expression of my feelings then I become monstrously resentful, I'd already be divorced if I didn't bitch at people!

[leelu66]

Hasn't slagging our menfolk off (and vice versa) been a time-honoured bonding tradition since time began?

Men do stupid shit. Women talk about the stupid shit men do. Venting to friends has probably saved a good few marriages.

DH refuses to tie the black bin bag before throwing it out as rubbish in the huge communal bin.

He puts large empty containers in the bin without flattening them first so the bin is full in a day.

That's just the least of what he does. I wouldn't post the worst here, but I would tell my friends and expect them (and their husbands) not to tell my DH.

[curren]

lacontessa I rarely feel the need to slag any off. Definitely not on email and definitely not my dh. May be I am unusual.

If I have a problem with dh I tell him.

If both people are happy and comfortable with this sort of thing, great, crack on.

No one is saying you aren't allowed to do it, but don't be shocked if it hurts your spouse when they find out.

[Capricorn76]

Well you've learned a lesson about writing down nasty things about people. However, Bob's being a knob.

[Dellarobia]

YANBU to blame Bob rather than Mary - he is entirely in the wrong IMO. I would be furious with him!

YABU to tell Mary things Bob has said in the past - don't stoop to his level.

Leave them to it and concentrate on sorting things out with your own DH. And be careful what you say in emails in future!

[squashtastic]

Absolute bollocks that no one ever complains about their husband Mn would implode.

"Loyalty" means having someone's back when they need you, it doesn't mean never having an outlet to discuss your feelings about when they've been an arse. The relationships section is proof that it's necessary sometimes.

Op, Bob is a massive cunt, I'm not sure I would tell your friend what Bob has said as she hasn't left him over the much more serious physical abuse. You'll only make her sad.

[MudCity]

Have been in a similar situation so do empathise.

Bob is totally at fault here. He is trying to show you both up in order to paint himself as the reasonable person. It is what abusers do.

It is fine to vent to a friend by email. For some friendships, email is the best / only way of keeping in touch so you use it as though you were having a verbal conversation. As a previous poster says, venting about your partner to a trusted friend probably saves a good few relationships. People vent all the time on Mumsnet to people they don't even know!

[curren]

Absolute bollocks that no one ever complains about their husband

I don't think anyone has said no one does. What the fuck would mn do if that was the case?

[claraschu]

You don't read other people's emails or letters or diary. That is a huge breach of trust and common decency. My husband and I have each other's passwords and complete trust, but would never read private messages.

You also don't tell people what you have found out by reading private messages.

[mamas12]

You are absolutely right
He sounds like a classic emotional abuser, gaslighting all of you.
You need to sit your dh down and let him know that this is serious, you no longer want any contact with this man and you will do all you to support the wife with dealing with his abuse and help leaving him when she is ready.
Show him some research re gaslighting and emotional abuse.
These kind of people are so manipulative and plausible it will be hard for your dh to realise what price his friend is but he will get there
Good luck

[mamas12]

Hmmm prick not price !

[Pseudo341]

If you have a genuine problem with your husbands behaviour and need to confide in a friend that's different but this

Nothing vile or cruel. Just the usual 'can you believe what an idiot…'

actually sounds pretty nasty to me. I can't for one second imagine saying something like that about my husband behind his back, or about anyone else for that matter.

I appreciate I may be in the minority here, but just because lots of other people think certain behaviour is okay doesn't mean all of us do.

Though, as to the main point of the thread, I think MudCity has perfectly hit the nail on the head here

Bob is totally at fault here. He is trying to show you both up in order to paint himself as the reasonable person. It is what abusers do.

Does your DH plan to continue his friendship with this wanker?

[Pseudo341]

It has occurred to me to explain. I was a victim of a lot of nasty bullying at school. Lots of teenage girls saying really cruel things about me behind my back. i ended up having to change schools because of it. So I may be a tad over sensitive about this subject.

[Gobbolino6]

Not Mary's fault at all. Don't tell Bob, it'll make things worse for her.