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to have had enough now and just give up?

(13 Posts)
ciabattav0nbreadstickz Sat 12-Mar-16 21:48:28

ExH has not seen DC's since November.

His gf recently had his baby (Feb) and he has not communicated with me or the DC's since then (over a month).

In the months before the birth his contact was sporadic at best, now it seems to be non existant. I realise he probably has a lot on with his new baby and all but I had a horrible feeling when the pregnancy was announced that it would be the beginning of the end of his already shaky relationship with his existing children and so far it appears that I was right.

I also realise that it has only been a month with no contact and he may still decide to be more actively involved but I don't think that is going to happen sadly.

Aibu to have had enough and just refuse to chase him anymore with regards to him having contact with the dc's? Obviously I wouldn't actively refuse him access if he wanted it unless I had a good reason but I just don't have to emotional energy to keep chasing him and getting ignored sad

CurlyWurlyCatcher Sat 12-Mar-16 22:08:28

That's a really tough position for you to be in. Ultimately though, he is a grown man and is able to make his own decisions. There is no excuse for his behaviour - new baby or not. I think you should leave the door open if he wants to get back in contact (if only for the benefit of your children), don't bad mouth him to your children but I don't blame you for not chasing him anymore either.
How old are your DCs? Are they old enough to understand whats going on and who is at fault?
I only ask because a friend of mine had this problem with her ex husband and their 5 year old daughter. In the end, she wrote her daughter a letter explaining that she tried everything she could but that ultimately it was up to her father, she did her best etc. She is keeping it for when her daughter is older, in case her ex husband gets back in contact and tries to blame my friend for the lack of contact.
I hope he comes to his senses soon!

VertigoNun Sat 12-Mar-16 22:11:42

The poor baby will be in the same position as your child soon enough.

The ex got fed up of our dc when they got a mind of their own. I understand he is struggling to cope with the next family for the same reasons.

Unless these feckless dad's deal with their shit they are a broken record.

holeinmyheart Sat 12-Mar-16 22:14:08

I think you should actively give up chasing him ( what's the point of distressing yourself) but make it clear that the channels are open to visit the DCs at all times. That way you are perfectly in the clear and on the side of reasonableness.
I would also keep a diary from now on, of the times when he does appear, so that you have some hard evidence to show in the future, as to his behaviour.

Otherwise, I would just get on with your life. He will lose out big time if he doesn't step up to the mark. Children are not stupid, they soon come to realise who is there for them.
You however will be repaid in shedloads for not slagging him off and not making the DCs choose between you both and being a kind caring person. Ie the adult in this relationship.
He is a major letdown, good riddance.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Sat 12-Mar-16 22:41:46

Unfortunately curly they are old enough to understand, they are 8 & 9.

ExH was a SAHD from when they were born until the day we broke up, then he moved away and didn't see them for 6 months sad

I try very hard not to say anything negative about their dad in front of them because I don't want my opinion of him to impact on their relationship with him, ultimately I know that no matter how I feel about him he is still their dad and they love and miss him.

Its very hard because DS asks about his dad often and I don't know what to say to him. The worst bit is that exH made a big hoo-ha about the new baby to get DS excited about having a new sibling....then just disappeared. He hasn't even bothered to call and let dc know the baby's been born (I only know through FB) so I now have a 9yr old with a lot of unanswered questions. I worry that he will feel like he's been replaced.

FlyingRussianUnicorn Sun 13-Mar-16 00:31:36

If want to tear an absolute strip off him OP. And his new woman too- especially now she is a mother and will be realising how much she needs your ex for support and that her DC needs a Dad.

Obviously he is his own man with his own mind but I could never be with someone who neglects their own children. Ever.

She needs a kick up the arse and a reality check as much as him

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Sun 13-Mar-16 12:15:01

Thing is flying, she was already a mother! She has 2 older children so you would think she would know what its like!

To make things worse she's been posting stupid stuff on FB like a hoody with 'world's best Dad' on it and tagging exH, then sharing posts that say things like 'I can't understand how anyone can abandon their children' etc etc. I don't know if she genuinely doesn't see how that looks or if she does and doesn't care.

ImperialBlether Sun 13-Mar-16 12:20:17

I would write him an email he absolutely wouldn't forget.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 13-Mar-16 12:52:09

Your poor children. Your Ex sounds like a total bastard, how can he just walk away from his existing children? It's so cruel, I really can't understand how some people can do that sad

holeinmyheart Sun 13-Mar-16 16:32:26

I wouldn't write to either of them, however you feel, or however you would like to machine gun the pair of them, please don't. You then reduce yourself to their level.
Please maintain a dignified silence. I know it is hard but there is a lot of satisfaction to be gained in maintaining the moral high ground.

The best place to be, is to be indifferent to your Ex and his partner. So indifferent that you can walk past him in the street, without a backward glance.
You could look at it as a blessing that he hasn't turned up as it enables you to get on with making a life for you and your DCs. You have nothing to reproach yourself with as you did your best to maintain contact.
The ball is in his court now, entirely.

MrsAmaretto Sun 13-Mar-16 16:41:43

Wow, what a shit of a man to do that to his children.

I think you have to stop chasing him, he knows where you & the kids are and how to contact you both. To not bother to see them since November is awful and it seems even more heartless since he was the SAHD.

Is there a single parent charity you could contact to get advice on how to explain his behaviour to the kids?

So sorry they and you have to deal with this

Trollicking Sun 13-Mar-16 16:46:41

Is it possible something else is going on? Depression, regret, abuse from his new wife or whatever. It seems such an extreme thing to have done. sad,

I'd be honest with your DC and tell them you don't understand what he is doing.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Sun 13-Mar-16 18:09:54

It is very extreme. I know he probably is depressed and was for the majority of our 8yr relationship but tbh that just isnt a good enough excuse for him to do what he is doing. He has had many many chances to get help, I supported him fully while we were together but he was just never interested in getting better and would rather self medicate with cannabis

I'm just so fucking pissed off because its like he is just trying to wipe the slate clean and start over again, forgetting that we all exist. It isn't good enough for the dc's, they deserve so much better!

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