AIBU about h(elp-to-buy ISA/DP being a douche

(22 Posts)
pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 22:08:48

Long time lurker, first time poster.

MN advice much appreciated!

I've been with my DP for 6 years. We live in London, and have always rented, but the dream (ha) is to eventually be in a position to buy a (skanky tiny) flat and stop renting. To that end, I opened a help-to-buy ISA a few weeks ago. Before I opened it I spoke to DP about him doing the same, and he agreed it was a good idea. Weeks later, and despite my nagging, he still hasn't done this.

I asked him about it again tonight, and he basically backtracked on everything we discussed. Says he knows nothing about it, needs advice, doesn't see the point yadda yadda. I am now pissed off. We had a pretty big argument about it. I thought we'd discussed this and were on the same page about trying to get on the property ladder, but apparently not.

He said he doesn't see the value, and wants to keep his cash ISA (I'm assuming he has actual money in this, he's pretty shit with saving/bill paying etc so ???). I said we need to plan for our future, and I feel like I'm the only one doing that at the moment, and he basically gave me a load of crap about pressuring him and not giving him time to deal with it. I'm very keen for our ISAs to come out around the same time in case we buy, and I don't understand why he keeps putting it off. We both work full time, but it feels as if he thinks that his job means he doesn't have to deal with any of this because he's "busy". This is particularly annoying because I've recently taken a job with much more responsibility than he has, and can can still ensure I deal with money/paperwork issues that affect us both in a timely manner.

So as not to drip feed, I deal with all bills, shopping, vet arrangements for our poorly cat etc. He does bugger all - I am definitely the "adult" in the relationship.

AIBU to expect him to pull his finger out of his arse and sort this one fecking thing out?

Madelinehatter Fri 11-Mar-16 22:17:03

Not sure I would have dealt with this in the same way but if I am honest I don't think that is appropriate behaviour for a nursery worker. Of either gender. Yes cuddle the kids etc but having them lie on top of you ? Just odd. It oversteps the boundaries. I would be interested to hear what nursery staff think.

Madelinehatter Fri 11-Mar-16 22:17:24

Whoops wrong thread

pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 22:20:32

I got all over-excited for a minute thinking I had a reply ;)

blublutoo Fri 11-Mar-16 22:20:47

How old are you both? I'm nearly 24 and honestly, until a few month ago, I was still in my overdraft from uni, struggling to get out of it and was very much lacking in savings. I just didn't really think of buying houses and thought well I will deal with that when I'm ready to buy. Then a few of my friends (late 20s) have been buying houses and it shocked me into saving. I realised that I need to start saving as much as possible because even though I won't be buying for at least 5+ years, it's the money I save now that will go for deposits. And houses are getting more and more expensive. I guess if he's young he will learn it in time. Just concentrate on your own saving for now.

blublutoo Fri 11-Mar-16 22:22:45

That doesn't help you much. Do you have any mutual friends buying houses that you could chat to together? I can't explain how laid back I was about money and then something just clicked one day and I panicked. I'm now well out the overdraft and going to open up a help to buy.

SecretRed Fri 11-Mar-16 22:24:41

Has he paid into his ISA in this tax yr? He can't pay into a new one if he has. There's nothing stopping him opening a new help to buy ISA after 6th April though

pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 22:26:30

We're 32, which is why it's starting to feel like we have to plan. He has no pension scheme either. I'm a little bit worried about the extent to which I will be supporting us in our golden years - I have a pension set up, which he doesn't, and also separate savings to go towards fees related to buying. Just feels like I'm the only one preparing for the future, and he's relying on me dealing with it all.

pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 22:27:41

Hi SecretRed - his ISA is so old - not paid into recently at all. I tried to explain that he could transfer it, but he didn't want to listen.

TendonQueen Fri 11-Mar-16 22:31:01

Not given him enough time to think about it? You've been together 6 years, does he not know how he feels about buying a place with you yet? This sounds crap, sorry. Tell him you'd like to be in a relationship with a grown up who takes responsibility for their life, and that's looking less like him.

blublutoo Fri 11-Mar-16 22:32:33

okay, 32, in that case... yes you need to have serious words with him!

tinkerbellvspredator Fri 11-Mar-16 22:33:20

So you're with someone who doesn't pull his weight (does bugger all), might not be committed to you (not keen on buying a house, not married), bad with money (no pension). You have no kids and are not tied to him , cut your losses before you have kids and end up doing everything for everyone including your man child.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 11-Mar-16 22:35:35

He doesn't sound like a partner. Yanbu.

CocktailQueen Fri 11-Mar-16 22:36:48

^ what Tinker says!

What do you get out of this relationship? If I were you, I'd leave him. Life's too short.

pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 22:38:00

To be clear, the marriage thing isn't an issue - he's proposed, but I'm not that fussed about getting married so we haven't planned that yet (got engaged 6 months ago).

Def agree with all the money stuff though. I think that he thinks we'll just magically sort out getting a house and security (he keeps talking about inheritance he thinks he might get), whereas I want us to plan based on us being dependent on just ourselves, which I think is sensible and safe.

Cabrinha Fri 11-Mar-16 22:53:01

Hmmmm. Different attitudes to finances is given time and again as a big reason why relationships fail.
Do you really want to tie yourself to him buying a house together?

Trills Fri 11-Mar-16 23:04:54

he doesn't see the value, and wants to keep his cash ISA

Sounds like he does not intend on buying a house in the near future.

And he doesn't want to discuss it with you because he does not want to buy a house with you.

pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 23:09:35

Some harsh truths here - not that I don'tdon't appreciate them! Just had another stinking row, so gone for a walk. He immediately texted to apologise. He's not a shit about anything other than money.

pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 23:13:14

Oh crap, sorry, am inadvertently massively drip-feeding, but he did have huge debt issues that he resolved while we were together, so it's not like we haven't talked about, and resolved money issues. It's just such a site point with him - possibly because of difficult conversations in the past around resolving debt issues.

PastaLaFeasta Fri 11-Mar-16 23:21:44

I just do it all for DH. I've had to set up the access to his ISA online - he doesn't even know the passwords. ISAs, apart from help to buy - if you buy (I'm not sure if there's a time limit etc), are rubbish. I've just rearranged some of our savings out of my ISA into current accounts with much better rates. Because I'm a SAHM I pay no tax so have all the accounts in my name - although the new PSA (personal savings allowance I think) is worth looking at if you exceed your ISA and can't get him to do something. As long as he trusts you he could agree to you taking control, if I hadn't set up a savings account we'd never have saved so much, so it benefits both parties. Once married it doesn't make much difference as its all shared assets and he should be trusting.

But it's shit and facing it alone doesn't help - I'm a similar age and thankfully we have a flat (in outer London, an okish area) but we need a house for the two kids (almost both school age now) and it would be impossible despite having a lot of equity in the property - and it would be me doing all the leg work even if we could afford it. If you can face being the grown up for finances etc then just do it, otherwise run away. Luckily I enjoy it - trying to start a career in finance soon.

pinotnoirismyjam Fri 11-Mar-16 23:33:19

Thanks pasta. He texted to apologise for being a dick in quite a lovely way, but I'm still a bit too annoyed to go home. It's frustrating that my job's more difficult and stressful than his, and I'm treated like the loon!

HeddaGarbled Fri 11-Mar-16 23:37:53

This is not a good dynamic for the future. It's almost like a parent child relationship.

You say that you do all the shopping, bills and vet arrangements. Park the help to buy thing for the moment (it's free money but not massive amounts tbh so won't make a lot of difference to what you can afford to buy). Sit down and have a discussion about how to divide these responsibilities up more equitably.

If he can't manage this day to day stuff, he's not a keeper.

Keep squirrelling away your savings but don't buy a property with him until he proves to you that he is a keeper.

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