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or is this guy actually not worth it

(110 Posts)
dandydesmond Fri 11-Mar-16 16:56:42

Mumsnet jury - opinions wanted!

I am fairly new to dating, having come out of a very long term relationship a few months ago.

I started seeing a guy about 6 weeks ago that I think is a good laugh, generally nice and really interesting. He's good looking and the sex is amazing so that's a major bonus. When we started seeing each other, he texted a lot, always looked really happy to see me, wanted to go on dates and was generally absolutely lovely - said all the right things and we had a great time every time we met up. He also spoke in a kind of "middle-term" way - ie talking about meeting each others' friends and doing specific things in the medium term future. he asked me a few weeks ago to be exclusive (ie don't date or sleep with anyone else) - and I said that was fine.

This has changed massively in the last couple of weeks - he's not really listened to me, texted very little and generally been a bit aloof and cool for the majority of the time. When we are together, the sex is still amazing and he is very affectionate, but he just doesn't seem to be as into it as before.

Last week, when I went to watch him do an activity he does as a hobby (he asked me to), I oversaw him texting someone he had previously told me was a "friend" that had got him a referral for a new job he starts next week so he must've known her a while. He was saying that he wasn't sure about me as I am "high maintenance" and "stroppy" and that he thought she was hot and "he didn't date people who weren't". She said "maybe she'll relax" and he said "maybe, but i'm not hooked on the idea so maybe ill meet some hot blondes at [new place of work]". Just to clarify, I am not high maintenance. I have text a lot because that's how he started off and I just followed his lead.

I haven't said anything because I shouldn't have overseen and, to be honest, we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, so I don't think I can really, but it made me feel crap. I was just going to end it, but he came up and acted like literally nothing had happened and was all affectionate again, asking me out on a date this week and this weekend. I couldn't decide whether he was actually thinking those things or whether he was just posturing to this other person. I decided just to play it cool. However, couple this with the major change in tone and affection which hasn't actually got any better over the week and I am confused.

I want to keep seeing him because I actually do like him and he has never actually told me that he doesn't like me or given any outward indication that he wants to stop seeing me. However, the above issues are eating at me and I cant decide whether IABU to carry on with this...

BooAvenue Fri 11-Mar-16 16:58:47

I would end it. Life is too short to put your time and effort into someone who's not 100% into you. You'll find someone who is, I promise.

TwentyCupsOfTea Fri 11-Mar-16 17:01:04

Please don't let it go any further. Boyfriend or not those things are disrespectful. Honestly, he's just not that interested and I would leave now before you get hurt later.

VoldysGoneMouldy Fri 11-Mar-16 17:01:58

He's a twat. Move on.

Chrysanthemum5 Fri 11-Mar-16 17:02:02

Are you saying he asked you to be exclusive but he's feels free to see other people? Dump him you sound lovely he sounds like an arse. You will find someone who appreciates you and where the sex is amazing grin

Vintage45 Fri 11-Mar-16 17:02:34

It sounds like for him it was a "conquest" thing, he's had sex with you so now isn't interested any more.

Everyone is entitled to have sex when they want but unfortunately a high percentage of men do think this way.

I equate sex with emotion as you might so I'd get to know a person first for a good while before sleeping with them.

SaucyJack Fri 11-Mar-16 17:02:43

Dump him before he dumps you.

Oysterbabe Fri 11-Mar-16 17:07:01

I don't understand how you came to read his text conversation.

OurBlanche Fri 11-Mar-16 17:08:17

And you can legitimately pander to your inner child...

Text: So sorry, XX. But I am finding this far to much like hard work. Many thanks for an enjoyable few weeks, I wish you well in finding some lovely hot blondes to massage your ego. Love Dandy smile

OK, maybe only in your head, but you could ....

Mellowautumn Fri 11-Mar-16 17:08:21

Twat - love on before it gets messy and you start to care about his opinion

dandydesmond Fri 11-Mar-16 17:10:16

Oysterbabe - I was sat above him while he waited for it to start - bent down to wish him luck but noticed the conversation and just read it

OurBlanche - love it.

hellswelshy Fri 11-Mar-16 17:10:32

He may have been showing off. But. I'd probably dump him if I were you, I regret so many times in my past letting good sex override good judgement!

littleleftie Fri 11-Mar-16 17:12:04

I wouldn't let on I had seen his text.

His vast inflated ego will take much more of a bashing if you just text him saying you have gone off him/just not feeling it any more/sorry, met someone else.

Fuck him - how DARE he!! I am furious on your behalf OP.

Dump him - cockwomble!

magpie17 Fri 11-Mar-16 17:14:02

I wouldn't say I had seen the text but if you've got any self respect I would dump him. If he wants a reason just tell him he's a bit 'high maintenance' for you wink

Icanseeclearly Fri 11-Mar-16 17:14:04

Sounds like you are a "placeholder" he doesn't want to be single and you are good fun until he finds someone he really wants to be with.

Yes he may have been posturing with the message but do you want to be with someone who will behave like that behind your back to save face?

BedTimeNow Fri 11-Mar-16 17:15:01

Dump him, he sounds horrible talking behind your back like that.

How can you still see him after you know what he thinks?

AdoraBell Fri 11-Mar-16 17:17:36

I'd dump him today, pronto and by text.

ctjoy103 Fri 11-Mar-16 17:18:35

Why are you even asking? Off course you should dump him. He didn't know You saw the messages, so it gives you a clear idea what he does 'behind your back'.

dandydesmond Fri 11-Mar-16 17:21:24

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I think you need people to tell you things you don't want to admit to yourself. I was terrified of getting back out there and now I have I feel just as crap as I did at the end of my last relationship.

I guess it was hard to judge because on one hand I saw all that and know he's gone cold but on the other hand he's still being so affectionate in person and asking me on dates etc. It's a difficult one to work out.

XiCi Fri 11-Mar-16 17:23:52

You can either dump him or spend the next few months getting fucked around by this wanker before he dumps you. I can't imagine even speaking to him again after seeing that text. I would have left there and then. Why on earth are you thinking staying with him

XiCi Fri 11-Mar-16 17:26:20

Sorry dandy, x post.
It's not even worth trying to work him out. Just count yourself very very lucky that you have found out what sort of person he is early on!

molyholy Fri 11-Mar-16 17:32:16

Twat at worst. Immature and disrespectful at best. You can't stay with him knowing he is talking about you like that surely!! Dump him.

Justaboy Fri 11-Mar-16 17:35:29

This has changed massively in the last couple of weeks

So sad but by this bit onwards it was all rather predictable:-(

Move on Miss, decent blokes are out there!

Stratter5 Fri 11-Mar-16 17:37:37

Dump him.

If you have to ask, he's not worth it.

eddielizzard Fri 11-Mar-16 17:38:52

he wants to keep shagging until he finds the next. don't be the fill-in. don't reference what you saw, it weakens your position.

text back ' sorry it's not working for me anymore. best of luck.'


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